by Vincent Pak, Change Maker
The problem with gender today is that we don’t realise there is one. We don’t notice the things we say or do: did you tell someone to “stop being a girl” or decide on a Barbie doll set for your adolescent niece just because she’s a girl? It’s true that gender equality in Singapore is more practiced than other countries around the world, but should we settle for the status quo? Sexism isn’t discernible all the time; it’s often the ignorance of our actions that perpetuate violence against women. When we are not aware of the underlying sexism that accompanies our language and actions, we unwittingly encourage it.
Feminism begins with awareness, and here’s how men can demonstrate that they care about gender equality and become better allies.
Recognise your privileges as men
As men, we are given privileges that many women around the world are denied. We are generally physically stronger; we are linguistically favoured (e.g. ‘mankind’, ‘freshmen’); we are socially and culturally preferred (male babies are more popular in many cultures, even in Singapore); our salaries are fatter (in Singapore, women earn 77 cents for every dollar men earn); our sexual freedom is celebrated (‘stud’ vs ‘slut’); we are overrepresented in almost every institution, including politics, media, religion and business. The inexhaustible list goes on.
These privileges are often overlooked, but recognising them is the first step to realising the imbalance of power as a result of gender. Know that these privileges are awarded to us simply because we are men, and they are denied to women, simply because they are women; only then can we start to understand sexism. Denying them is akin to denying the woman’s experience, something we should seek to learn about.
Watch your language
I’ve heard men tell me they aren’t sexist when I talk about gender issues. The same men who call other men “pussies” and tell them to “man up”. I suppose they don’t realise it, but it is no excuse that we utter and echo misogynistic language because we don’t know better. We communicate more than just words when we speak; we convey emotions and intentions that can marginalise and objectify women. Before you make an association between weakness and femininity, before you slut-shame a girl because she has numerous male friends or sexual partners, before you call someone a ‘lady doctor’ or a ‘woman lawyer’, think twice. Opt for gender-neutral language like ‘chairperson’ and ‘firefighter’, and respect women’s lived experiences, choices and liberties.
Chivalry is, in its most literal sense, medieval
It’s 2014. We are Singaporeans, not Knights of the Chauvinistic Gentlemen Order. There is no need to take it upon yourself to protect the damsel from, ironically, the harms of other men. You don’t have to bring home the bacon whilst keeping your wife at home in an attempt to take care of her. Don’t take ownership of a woman because you feel that’s your responsibility as a man. Women deserve, and have repeatedly proven, their economic and political independence. Look at Ho Ching! The next time you hold the door open for someone, do it out of goodness from your heart, not because she’s “easy on the eyes”.
Cease the censorship
We teach and expect girls to cross their legs, to hide their bra straps, to conceal their sanitary pads in a “feminine hygiene carrier”. We cringe at women who discuss their sexual habits, and police them by telling them to shave parts of their bodies to look appealing. As men, we need to ask ourselves: why do we teach girls shame for the same things that we celebrate in boys? If you believe in equality, stop imposing double standards. Realise that they can and should live without censorship, like many men do.
Feminism isn’t about men
If you recall the recent #NotAllMen saga where men who felt attacked by women calling out misogyny and violence against women in society hijacked the issue and made it about them, that’s a clear example of what not to do. It really isn’t about how feminist outcries hurt men who don’t rape or mistreat women, because defending yourself in a conversation about sexism silences women. We are all part of the problem that is gender – join the discussion instead of exempting yourself while you continue to enjoy your male privilege.
These are five ways to demonstrate you believe in gender equality as men, but don’t just stop there. It is a gradual effort to eradicate sexism, and we can start by altering our daily habits as we interact with each other. There is much to unlearn, but that makes learning a whole lot easier.
