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News & Updates Sexual Assault Violence Against Women

Let’s Unite! to end violence against women

Every act on every level counts! #16DaysSG

 

You might be wondering after #MeToo, #NowWhat?

Through the recent online movement, #MeToo, thousands of women around the world – and in Singapore – came forward to have open and honest conversations about their experiences of surviving sexual violence. #MeToo has not only foregrounded the prevalence of sexual violence in Singapore, but also the silence surrounding the issue. At the end of the day, a hashtag can only go so far: the onus lies on us to take action every day.

We Can! Singapore invites you to be a part of Let’s Unite, a 16-day campaign* to end violence against women. Start taking action these 16 Days, between 25th Nov – 10th Dec 2017 so we can galvanise everyone’s efforts and show that we are building a strong community of support.

If you start saying ‘violence against women happens in Singapore’ → More people will learn about it → Others will say it too → Perpetrators’ behaviours will not be excused → More survivors will seek help → State and social support for survivors will be improved → Violence against women will be on its way out

Tell others that you want to end violence against women – and encourage them to join you!

Start your #16DaysSG journey below.

 

 

 

 

 

*16 Days of Activism is a global campaign that calls on individuals, groups and organisations to stand together against violence against women by pledging their support and taking action from 25 November, the International Day of Elimination of Violence against Women, to 10 December, Human Rights Day.

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Blog Body Image Feminism News & Updates [email protected]

Comic Launch: Celebrate Every Body! (Online Version)

Women receive messages on how their bodies should and should not look like throughout their lives. Messages from the media and even our peers and family constantly pressure women to aspire to unrealistic standards of beauty or to “improve” their bodies through practices, like hair removal, wearing makeup and dieting. It is not uncommon to hear people say things like:

“You would look so much better if you lost all that weight!”

“Wah! You still want to eat so much!”

“She shouldn’t be wearing that – she’s too fat.”

“You’re so skinny, you look like a bamboo pole.” 

While seemingly harmless on the surface and sometimes in the garb of well-meaning statements, messages that women have to “improve” their bodies or meet a certain “ideal” standard can lead to body dissatisfaction and eating disorders in women and girls. It is important that we shift our societal attitudes to be inclusive of the diversity of bodies and reject the culture of body shaming.

As part of this effort, AWARE Youth and Rock The Naked Truth (RTNT) collaborated on a series of body positive comics with the affirmation that no one should ever have to prove that they are healthy enough, pretty enough or muscular enough to deserve respect. These comics acknowledge the painful reality that not all bodies are accepted or viewed equally in society. The comics explore three different aspects of body image issues. One comic discusses the issue of body shaming and how problematic it can be when individuals are judged or made fun of because they don’t meet certain “ideal” standards. Another comic touches on the topic of eating disorders and the importance of seeking help. It also emphasises supporting friends and family members who are going through them. Even though the pressure to fit a certain ideal of beauty impacts girls and women more, one of the comics also depicts the unique experiences of men and boys who are not immune to body image issues.

On 28 October, printed copies of the comic were distributed at AWARE’s Free Market. Here, we are proud to present to you the online version of the comics. Please take some time to view the hard work that has gone into the production of this comic, and do feel free to provide feedback on our Facebook pages (AWARE Youth and RTNT)! We hope you enjoy the comic as much as we did creating it!

AWARE Youth is a newly formed group comprising of youths who are passionate about gender equality. They aim to provide a space for youths to share their experience and provide a platform for them to bring their ideas to life. Their first chapter focuses on the issue of body image.

RTNT is a body image movement to inspire others to find confidence in their bodies, as well as to encourage them to take care of their body well.

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Social Media, Fad Diets and Body Image

By Akhwinder Kaur Chahal

I was 20 when I first came across the hashtags ‘#fitspo’ and ‘#fitspiration’ on Instagram. Usually, they were accompanied by images of toned, skinny social media celebrities in Lululemon leggings, Adidas sports bras and Nike Roshes posing with their meticulously crafted acai bowls. Upon checking the follower lists of these social media celebrities, I realised they had large followings of youth, particularly teenaged girls. Even now, when I come across such images or messages on social media, I feel sadness and a twinge of anger. I’ve seen my sister weigh almonds for dinner. I’ve had my best friend call me at 2 in the morning because she was unhappy with her body. Both disguised their eating disorders with eating clean and exercising regularly.

At what point do we draw the line between a healthy lifestyle and an unhealthy obsession? Seeing my loved ones being slaves to their bodies and their minds made me feel helpless, but realising that there were thousands of impressionable teenagers who were in the same situation made me angry. The convergence of social media and the health and fitness industry has normalised and supported an unhealthy lifestyle, raising serious questions over the seemingly beneficial influence of a healthy lifestyle on youths’ body image and well-being.

With 71% of teenagers using more than one social media platform, these websites have revolutionised the manner in which we construct and articulate our identities. On social media sites, the ‘eating clean’ movement has become synonymous with adopting a highly restrictive vegan and gluten free diet free of processed food. While substituting processed foods with fresh fruit and vegetables is undoubtedly healthy for the body, issues arise where skinny and fit social media celebrities without proper backgrounds in nutrition carve out entire careers for themselves by supporting and profiting off pseudo-science fad diets at the expense of their audience.

 

Freelee the Banana Girl is one such social media celebrity. She has over 200,000 followers on Facebook, and at her peak had over 500,000 followers on Instagram. She claims that a raw vegan diet, similar to the diet prescribed in the food pyramid she created (as shown above), has cured her of depression, chronic fatigue, irritable bowel syndrome, and has aided in her weight loss. On her website, rawtill4diet.com, she sells her ebook where, living up to her moniker, she advocates eating up to 30 bananas daily. In a YouTube video garnering more than 1,000,000 views, Freelee eats 51 bananas within a day. However, medical experts have linked the ingestion of large amounts of potassium found in bananas to heart ailments such as irregular heart rhythms and cardiac arrest, and have denounced this diet.

Interestingly, Freelee herself has openly admitted to her battle with anorexia and has attributed overcoming her eating disorder to her vegan diet. That being said, fad diets such as this have not only been used by those with eating disorders who mask their unhealthy eating habits under the guise of ‘eating clean’, but have also triggered eating disorders in previously healthy individuals. According to Steven Bratman, M.D., M.P.H., raw food vegans in particular have a high potential of developing Orthorexia Nervosa, an eating disorder where individuals adopt a highly obsessive and restrictive diet free from ‘unhealthy’ foods. While motivated by health, poor self-esteem and the desire to be thin also underpin this eating disorder.

About the Author: Akhwinder is is a caffeine-fuelled sociology major from the Nanyang Technological University. She dreams of a world without walls, where everyone is treated equally. Until then, she will continue to challenge gender stereotypes.

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The Tyranny of Villainy: How Animated Villains Reaffirm Our Ideas of Ugliness

By: Clare-Marie Koh

Growing up, I have always enjoyed watching animated films. Their catchy soundtracks, enchanting plots, and heartwarming characters were all appealing to the bright-eyed, bushy-tailed consumer. It is no wonder that both children and adults alike, are drawn to these films which frequently deliver the message that good always defeats evil.

However, where there is praise, there is criticism lurking in the corner. Every image portrays a message, and these messages are neither transparent nor neutral. These visual images and verbal texts are projected onto us, leading us to categorise them as good or bad, right or wrong. Most of these messages we internalise happen at the subconscious level, and call on our feelings, fears, desires, and loyalties – emotions that we do not really take the time to question.

This interaction between consumers and texts is not a one-way street; messages that the media convey do not exist in a vacuum and are not hermetic. Societal culture, too, influences the signs and symbols that appear in visual cues, where the personalities of animated characters reflect the norms and beliefs that reside in contemporary society. As a result, the representation of animated characters either reaffirms certain beliefs and norms that currently exist, and/or influence the way we perceive the world around us, including the way we see ourselves and beauty.

There is plenty of literature that explores the relationship between the visual personalities of animated protagonists and perceptions of body image. However, in my mind, visual personalities of the antagonists have a larger influence on our perceptions because it is easier to internalise what not to be rather than what to be.

via GIPHY

Antagonists from animated films often embody visual cues that are visibly different compared to the other characters. Their morphed bodily features mark them as isolated from the rest of the cast. These visual cues are subtle yet impactful in making the distinction between good and bad. Hence, viewers tend to associate bad personalities with the physical attributes that villains embody, and eventually internalise these physical traits as undesirable. This is most prominent in the visual representations of antagonists from animated films because creators have the freedom to come up with the worst possible aesthetic that matches the villain’s evil personality, thereby reaffirming our ideas of undesirable traits.

Of all the evil villains in animated films, there is none that embodies the typical idea of a villain more than Ursula from The Little Mermaid. The half-human, half octopus evil sea witch from the animated film embodies everything that is not socially acceptable in terms of one’s body image – purple and blobby.

via GIPHY

Ursula’s most noticeable feature is her skin colour. Unlike the rest of the characters who have the likeness of Caucasian skin tones, Ursala is abnormally purple. This immediately sets her apart from the other characters, helping viewers identify the villain very quickly. The difference in skin tone highlights the strangeness and exoticness of skin tones that differ from societal norms. This sets the stage for labelling Caucasian skin tones as good and attractive and others as bad and unattractive, thereby feeding into the idea that certain people with conventional skin tones are viewed as good and conventionally attractive while others are shunned from the communities they live in.

This use of skin colour as a distinction between good and evil is not solely limited to the tentacle-legged villain. Villains such as Cruella De Vil from The Hundred and One Dalmations and Yzma in The Emperor’s New Groove, among many others, are coloured in with non-humanistic hues that are distinctly different from their protagonist counterparts. It is for this reason that even though these protagonists have recognisably humanistic features, they are put in a position that delivers the message that some skin tones are kinder, more attractive and thus superior than others, reaffirming classical ideologies of race and human worth.

via GIPHY

Another mechanism that is often used in differentiating antagonists in animated films is the size of their bodies. While abnormal skin colour alludes to idea of racial inferiority, the grotesque and manipulated figure implies that there exist certain body shapes that are not ideal in contemporary society. In fact, villains are often either overweight like Ursula or rail thin like Cruella. These extreme body figures are often given personalities that are viewed as unacceptable, undesirable, unhealthy and troubled.

Cruella, the fur-hunting, dog-kidnapping nutjob, is the size of half a chopstick and is portrayed as evidently troubled. Other villains that share the likes of beanpoles include but are not limited to Yzma from The Emperor’s New Groove and Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty. Pudginess is the other extreme that makes villains easily identifiable, as seen in Ursula who is so fleshy to the point that her character is amorphous. The half-octopus evil sea witch has fat folds spilling out of her bustier and tentacles for legs, which seem to move around in a disorderly manner. This sets her apart from the other streamlined, sleek and slender characters, which isolates her from the society she exists in.

via GIPHY

According to a study that analysed animated films for 9 decades, characters that are given goth and bully roles are more likely to be portrayed as having body figures that do not belong to the lean and slender ideal. Overweight characters were also more likely to be characterised as less smart and less competent. These visual cues not only reaffirm certain ideas of what an ideal body shape should look like, but also bring across the image of a non-ideal body type. Both bony and overstuffed figures are deemed undesired, thereby fostering unhealthy body policing practices such as fat shaming.

Villains are also often illustrated as older women with white or greying hair, as seen in Cruella and Ursula. Wrinkles are also another physical trait that are given to villains such as the old evil witch in Snow White and Yzma. While there have been positive representations of the elderly, these representations seem to solely pertain to characters who are not villains. King Triton, for instance, is an elderly but is depicted as conventionally attractive despite his white hair. The image of King Triton’s fit body points at the favourability towards youthfulness and the maintenance of one’s body through leading an active lifestyle. Hence, this reinforces the notion that fit and young is good but wrinkly and old is bad. It is no wonder that women growing old seems like a “moral disease,” as if growing old is the same as catching the flu rather than a natural process, compared to men, as Susan Sontag pointed out in The Double Standard of Aging.

via GIPHY

Animated films may be seen as harmless entertainment, but it is important to reiterate that images are neither transparent nor neutral because of how culture is constantly shaped and reshaped by its characters and cultural context. In decoding the visual elements of antagonists in animated films, it is evident that the portrayal of cultural beauty norms is linked with characteristics of evil. Whether these visual elements are influenced by culture or vice versa, it is important that designers and producers start questioning their shared responsibility in how they influence the way society views itself and its people.

About the Author: Clare is a conflicted media enthusiast. She enjoys food, yoga and art (in that order). Her skills include biting off more than she can chew, making tea and falling asleep within 90 seconds (not in that order).

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Blog News & Updates Sexual Assault Violence Against Women [email protected]

Mental Abuse

By Amy* (name changed to protect her identity) 

There are many signs of an abusive partner. They don’t always hurt you 24 hours a day, seven days a week, it could happen once a week, or once a month, but when you do get hurt, it isn’t a matter of how often it occurs, but rather, how it has affected you.

Mental abuse is just one of its many forms of abuse, it changes you internally, leaving you in utter fear, it affects the way you think, behave, speak and act. A very serious and complicated process which leaves you questioning your self worth, shattering your self-esteem and confidence.

An abusive partner takes away your friends, leaving you alone, with no one to turn to but your partner. Preventing you from speaking to your friends or meeting them. Wanting to consistently know and read the conversations which you had with others. They alter the way you dress, constantly telling you that your favourite dress or jeans looks ugly, insisting you never wear it again. Critising the way you look, noticing the little bit of weight you’ve put on or the way you style your hair or wear your make-up,  insisting you alter yourself to their desires. As a good partner yourself, you believe that your abusive partner is merely keeping you in line, “its the culture,” you may think. But these are beyond culture, these are the steps to wrapping their finger around you, and you hadn’t even noticed.

A mentally abusive partner affirms you that everything you do is wrong, he was angry at you because you made him mad. He’d flirt with the opposite sex, because you had an innocent conversation with the opposite sex. He didn’t come home the last two nights, because you defied him. You constantly believe that whatever had happened was your fault, so you keep mum about these events, because you believe that everyone else thinks the same about you.

More often than not, being in a mentally abusive relationship requires you to sit and think about what and who you have become. Losing yourself is one of the many signs of being in an abusive relationship. When you no longer dress the way you want to dress, no longer speak the way you speak, lose close friends because of your partner, or no longer recognize the person staring back at you in the mirror.

Mental abuse is a slow creeping process which ultimately changes who you are, how you behave in situations, being afraid to speak to others, being scared of your partner, constantly ensuring you do not do anything to upset him, or keeping urges of wanting to defy your partner in secret.

But when you do get the chance to speak to a friend or family member, you worry about the things you say to them, because despite loved ones telling you that your partner is unhealthy for you, you’d find yourself making excuses for his behaviour.

These unfortunately signify a mentally abusive partner. And sometimes, it feels impossible to get out of an abusive relationship. There are support systems out there to help, but in order to receive help means to accept the help.

Don’t let yourself believe that there would be no one else out there for you other than your abusive partner. Never feel alone because you aren’t alone.

What you go through happens a lot more than you’d imagine, but it doesn’t mean that you deserve to be mistreated. Nobody deserves to be abused, and that includes you.

If you or someone you know has experienced similar situations, reach out for support through the AWARE Helpline at 1800 774 5935. The AWARE Helpline is run by women, for women. Find out more information here.

About the author: Amy is a survivor of intimate-partner violence. After going through 8 years of mental, physical and verbal abuse, she has managed to live peacefully for the past 4 years and has since moved on with her life. She now hopes to make a difference by raising awareness and sharing her experiences.

 

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Winning the Impossible Fight

By Deborah Wee

“Life must be easy when you look that way.”

This thought used to cross my mind while watching the willowy, impossibly stunning bombshells of the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show strutting across the runway and swaying their hips with confidence.

Model Cameron Russell in Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show 2012 Source: Jamie McCarthy/Getty Images North America

I was aware that it was physically impossible for the vast majority of women to ever achieve that tall, hourglass frame. But I had always assumed that the 5 per cent who were blessed with the type of body glorified by the media would have nothing to be insecure about.

Little did I know how wrong I was.

According to a 2007 study by the City University in London, it turns out that fashion models are more likely to have lower self-esteem than people who are not models.

American model Cameron Russell made a similar revelation on TED Talks in 2013, when she confessed to being insecure about her body. “I’m insecure because I have to think about what I look like everyday,” she revealed, adding that models are possibly the most physically insecure women on the planet.

I used to think that women like Russell never worried about looking “inadequate” because they already had that “ideal” image.

But it seems as if even the most conventionally beautiful women in society are not spared the intense scrutiny that women often face about their looks, and dealing with this scrutiny is a never-ending battle that chips away at their self-confidence. The message seemed clear: when it comes to women’s bodies, “perfect” isn’t perfect enough. There is always some “flaw” that everyone else is eager to point out.  

In other cases, body types perceived as “ideal” or “desirable” still end up becoming associated with negative stereotypes. Last month, American actress Ariel Winter spoke out on Refinery29 against body shaming after enduring a long history of social media backlash for – you guessed it – her body. Running a quick Google Image search, I quickly concluded that the Modern Family star fulfilled mainstream standards of physical attractiveness – she’s voluptuous, shapely and simply sexy. Didn’t society favour that kind of body, epitomised by the iconic fictional character Jessica Rabbit, whose desirability is consistently highlighted in Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

Ariel Winter for Refinery29, May 2017 Source: Danielle Levitt

Yet, it seems that society still finds ways to shame women who have been encouraged by the media to show off their curves. That was the case for Winter, who does not shy away from posting pictures of herself in bikinis and small dresses. “When I first got my curves I was so excited, but then people on the internet made me feel bad about it,” she told Us Weekly last October. Her large bust size has continued to draw negative attention – when Winter wore the same bathing suit alongside a thinner and lankier friend, she was still singled out and branded a “slut”.

It is already problematic that women are pressured to conform to narrow standards of physical attractiveness. I barely need to illustrate what such beauty standards do to the majority of women who cannot attain them. In fact, it has been found that women with normal body mass indexes and overweight women have lower self-esteem after looking at comparatively thinner models.

But what is baffling is that for the women who do meet such standards, “sexy” is still considered “slutty”, and willowy models are still judged for the smallest imperfection every time they step out in public.

The pursuit of the “ideal” female body is an impossible fight.

Feminist scholar Sandra Lee Bartky pointed this out in 1990 when she argued that prescribed and “ideal” standards of femininity are a “set-up” in which every woman will fail in some way. She argues that this is because the bodily transformations women must go through to achieve the “ideal” female body are too “radical and extensive”.

But, it seems that failure is also inevitable because it has long been determined that a woman’s body will never be free of criticism. When it comes to beauty standards, women can never win. The only way we can triumph is to reject such beauty standards and scrutiny altogether.

I understand that this is easier said than done; the peer pressure to conform to such standards is high, even without the media shoving them down our throats. But I realised not long ago that attempting to battle an unwinnable fight is just not worth it.

In the past, when someone commented on a physical “flaw” that I needed to cover up with cosmetics, I did as I was told. But when I returned with my supposedly “improved” self, they would quickly point out another flaw. Approval never came, and I’ve realised that it never will. So, I decided that I would no longer alter myself for someone else’s approval, and I’ve been happier since.

There is, of course, the grander and more onerous project of changing the general attitude that women’s bodies are eternally flawed and deserving of criticism. But until then, if society is always determined to find physical “flaws” in us, then why not just reject their criticisms and learn to see the beauty in who we are? If you no longer see your individual physical attributes as inadequacies, then you cannot lose.

About the author: Deborah is a popular culture-obsessed political science major who swoons over 1990s boy bands and holds solo jam sessions covering pre-2012 Taylor Swift songs. She is an advocate for gender equality and wants to promote a world where no one is or feels limited by their gender. She also gets a tad bit over-excited when given a keyboard and a blank Microsoft Word document, or when asked to share her opinion on, well, anything.

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Body Shaming: “Harmless” Teasing

By Jasmine Loo

When I was 12, I used to tease my best friend about her larger than average breasts. My nickname for her included adding the title “Big Boobs” at the back of her actual name. She’d tell me to stop, but I didn’t really think much of it – after all, it was just harmless teasing.

Back then, there was also a plump girl in my class. She was teased by everyone who called her mean names like “fatty”, “whale”, “fat girl”, amongst others. At that age, we viewed it as harmless fun… But was it really just that?

When I was 13, I started getting really bad breakouts. People started noticing and pointing it out. At first, I wasn’t really bothered by their comments. However, I started getting really upset when they constantly commented on my pimples. It made me feel very self conscious and uncomfortable in my own skin. I started getting pretty annoyed when people told me that I should “wash my face” or that I shouldn’t “eat peanuts or drink milk” because those food cause acne. Despite trying almost everything, my skin was still the same – disgusting, bumpy and damaged.

I really envied my classmates who had clear, blemish-free skin. I hated my own pimply and bumpy face.

Now, I’m 19 years old and still uncomfortable in my own skin. But, I’m learning how to love and accept it. I may not have clear skin, but it will not stop me from going out without make-up. The fact that I don’t have clear skin does not define who I am.

In retrospect, I should not have joined in on the “harmless teasing”. I should not have teased my best friend for having big breasts and making her less confident. However, I cannot change what has happened. The most I can do is to try and stop myself from making other people feel bad about themselves. I will strive to use my words to encourage others to embrace their flaws and be confident from here on out.

About the Author: Jasmine is an awkward teenager who wants to make a difference.

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Struggles with Body Image: It Begins with the Ones Closest to You

By Min Khoo

My struggle with my own body image began with the comments made by close family members and relatives.

I’m sure many Singaporeans have experienced the horror brought by family gatherings where, instead of talking about something mundane like the weather, conservations are started with comments like, “Ah girl, you’ve gain weight” or, “Ah girl, so many pimples why never wash face properly?” Instead of giving encouragements when we need it, parents tend to give what they call “tough love”.

Sometimes, it is difficult to delineate the line that separates “tough love” from bringing down your kid’s self-esteem. How many times do we need to be told that we are “fat”? How many times do we need to hear that our faces are full of pimples? Even when we’ve lost weight or managed to clear our facial acne, people somehow still manage to find a way to detect flaws.

As I grew up, I started to see the impact of my family and relative’s words. I had no idea how to handle praises given to me by others. I had no idea how to compliment others. I had no idea how to love my own body, let alone anyone else’s. It was really terrible when I reach adolescence. Along with other struggles in various aspects of my life, it seemed as if I had reached a low where I couldn’t spiral down any further… And I just snapped. I no longer wished to live the way I was living. I was tired of being uncomfortable in my own skin. I was tired of allowing others to feel like they owned my body. I was tired of it all.

At low points like these, most of us are able to find our own ways of channeling our energy into something more meaningful. For me, it was Harajuku Fashion. I decided that my body was no longer an object for others to critique as they pleased. My body became my own canvas, for me to paint as I wished.

As much as I could, I avoided toxic people who found joy in bringing others down. I surrounded myself with supportive friends who were capable of seeing others beyond their appearance. Even now, I remind myself that I look okay the way I am.

But of course, it’s not always easy. Sometimes, you fall back into that dark world full of self loathe. Sometimes, you can’t help but compare your body with others and start finding all sorts of flaws you’ve never realised before. Sometimes, no matter how much positivity you surround yourself with, negativity just has a way of sneaking up on you.

Today, I’m still struggling to find full acceptance for the way that my body looks, but it’s getting better. All I know is, no one else should be made to feel that way about their body. The words you say to others have more of an impact on their lives than you may think.

About the Author: Min is a psychology undergraduate at NTU. When she’s not busy drowning in assignments and deadlines, she’s busy playing games, choosing and coordinating her outfits, and volunteering for various causes.

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My Looks Don’t Need Your “Concern”

By Gwen Guo 

When I was in kindergarten, princess dresses were all the rage. I’d wear them not just for special occasions, but also on normal days. You could call me happy-go-lucky — everyday was a day to celebrate something and feel good about myself. Those were also the years when my parents enrolled me in swimming classes. The first time I felt conscious about my looks was when I was celebrating my 6th birthday, where I wore a fancy white princess dress.

Everything was great — there were presents, a cake and singing. Yet, some of the grownups felt compelled to comment about my skin, asking me why I was so tan and declaring that princesses look strange with dark skin. At that age, I didn’t think it was anything. But after looking at the developed photos of myself from that birthday party, I began to feel that something was amiss. Growing up, all images of princesses in movies, TVs and books were always fair-skinned. Maybe the grownups were onto something after all.

Eventually, I grew out of the phase of wanting to be a princess and picked up basketball in primary school. I’m fortunate that the all-girls’ school which I attended valued sports, so there wasn’t much pressure to be more “feminine”. After all, primary school is about play, fun and exploration. My friends and I even roleplayed as Amazonian queens during recess; we would climb onto rocks pretending to be scouting for enemies, or create imaginary ammunition out of pebbles. Being surrounded by children my age without interference from adults, we could aspire to be whatever we wanted to be without fear of judgement.

But things changed in secondary school, where one’s image and physical appearance holds more weight in society. Being an outdoors person, my tan skin had remained with me throughout my life, even till this stage. Even my mother was concerned about me developing freckles and blemishes, and would occasionally comment about my skin tone. At this point, I had become more conscious of other flaws like my jiggly bits, sparse eyebrows and thinning hair. I felt like I didn’t fit in for a plethora of reasons – I was socially awkward, liked sports but wasn’t particularly good at it, abysmal in my studies, shy, and hideous compared to everyone else. While everyone else was coming the streets of Orchard Road to shop for new clothes that were “in fashion”, I would wear my brother’s hand-me-downs.

Me during my secondary school days.

During this stage, I also picked up video games as a hobby. Going out to meet my all-male gaming friends in person was both exciting and terrifying. I could almost smell disappointment when these boys, who met me for the first time, realised that the “gamer girl” they’d been so eager to meet was just a tanned tomboy wearing her brother’s clothes. One even told me that my hips looked “too big” just because I was wearing bermudas.

Then, at 16, I met my first boyfriend through gaming. Having a boy like me despite the way that I looked was flattering, and I treated his opinions with great consideration. I thought he accepted me for the way I looked. Unfortunately, things didn’t turn out so rosy – my boyfriend started policing my clothes, “recommending” that I wear shorter skirts, heels and makeup. Somehow, even my thinning crown became something he had to talk about. “I’m concerned about your balding,” he’d express. I’d buy hair tonic and desperately try to thicken my hair while trying on new makeup, just to appease him. But whatever I did to my appearance was never good enough for him. The only saving grace was that I genuinely began to enjoy applying makeup, but he still managed to find an angle for criticism. “Who the hell wears blue eyeshadow during the day?” he sneered.

The final straw that broke the camel’s back was what he said to me after finding out that I had suffered second-degree burns after irresponsibly playing beach volleyball without sunblock for 3 hours. “You look like a black piece of crap,” he snipped. For the first time, I decided to stand up for myself, and told him that his words hurt me. Predictably, he brushed it off by proclaiming that it was just a joke.

Harnessing the dignity that I still had, I finally left him after enduring unreasonable expectations for months. I went on with my life, more confident with the realisation that I was in control of my own appearance and that I had the power to say no. After all, lions should never concern themselves with the opinions of sheep. In Polytechnic, I experienced so much more freedom – I wore my makeup the way I wanted to, chose the clothes that fit me instead of forcing myself to fit into modelesque clothes… That positive energy was eventually translated into the outgoing person that I am today.

Me during my Poly days.

To be honest, there are days when I still suffer from low self-esteem. I didn’t dare to walk out of the house without makeup until I was 22, and I still feel conscious about my fluctuating body fat percentage till this day. But, as I continue to grow and form a deeper and larger identity beyond the surface of my skin, I know that these low phases will become shorter.

For those of you reading this, please understand that your body choices are a personal right, and nobody can take this right away from you. Go forth and face the world, whether you are fat or skinny, made-up or bare-faced, tattooed or not, bald or hairy, firm or flabby! If people comment negatively on your appearance, a simple reply would be, “Thanks, but I don’t think my looks need your concern.”

Me today!

 

About the Author: Gwen is one of the three co-founders of IMBA Interactive, a startup which provides audio services to video game developers. Being an avid gamer and lover of internet memes, she hopes for a world where games and game communities don’t shy away from inclusivity.

 

Categories
Blog News & Updates Rape Culture Sexual Assault

We must end victim-blaming now

by Rio Hoe
The views expressed in this article are Rio’s own. The original article can be found here.

Victim-blaming is unacceptable. It is illogical and rests on a failure to distinguish the importance of precautions and the idea that people deserve to suffer for failing to take them. Rape is a deliberate act; the wrong always lies with the perpetrator, and never the victim.

In the context of rape, victim-blaming is unacceptable. Yet, it happens more often than we think. Take a look at some of the comments on a recent news article by ChannelNews Asia titled, ‘Man on trial for abducting and raping unconscious woman 15 years younger’ (Mar 30).

This above comment was the comment with the most ‘likes’ at time this blog entry was written. The comments section can be found here. There are more:

Rape is avoidable, if men don’t rape.

These sort of views are regressive. People who are raped do not “ask for it”. Rapists are not jailed “because she (the victim) said so”. In the context of rape, it does not “take 2 hands to clap” – in fact, that contradicts the very definition of rape as non-consensual sex. And finally, yes, rape is avoidable, if men don’t rape.

The wrong in rape is the wrong committed by the offender through a deliberate act of penetration despite the victim’s refusal, or inability to give consent. The victim commits no wrong. Even if the victim placed herself in a vulnerable position, it does not at all reduce the wrong committed by the offender. Thinking otherwise is illogical. If we blame rape victims for doing things that increase the likelihood of rape, shouldn’t we also condemn murder victims for failing to carry a weapon, or failing to end an abusive relationship, since these could have avoided a murder? Shouldn’t we also condemn people who become victims of harassment and abuse because they share political views which people dislike, since “they could have kept their mouth shut?”. We don’t, because we understand that people have a right not to be murdered, and a right to express their political views without being abused, or worse, physically harmed. So why do some people not accept that people have a right not to be raped? The fact is, victim-blaming is a problematic and illogical practice, and we should be unafraid to call people out on it, and put an end to it.

I can anticipate several responses to my claims. I will address just three of them for now.

First, one might ask: ‘does this mean we shouldn’t take precautions?’ Of course not. I do not think it is wrong to tell our friends and family to watch their drinks to prevent ‘spiking’, or to moderate their alcohol intake. But we should only do so because we are aware that the world is filled with people with bad intentions, and because we realize society is imperfect, and people do commit wrongs against women. But we should not do so because we believe that failing to take precautions puts the victim in the wrong. These are two very different attitudes to have; the latter constitutes victim-blaming, and is unacceptable.

There is a difference between reminding people to take care of themselves, and to blame them when a bad thing happens to them because they failed to do so

There is a difference between reminding people to take care of themselves, and to tell people that they are to blame when a bad thing happens to them because they failed to take care of themselves. Too many people fail to make this distinction.

Second, one might ask: in cases, such as in car accidents, the liability of the wrongdoer is reduced if the victim’s actions increased the likelihood of the wrong occurring. For example, if I ride my motorbike dangerously, or dash across the road, someone who knocks me down with his car will pay less compensation than if I had used a zebra crossing. So why should this not apply to rape? This argument is not uncommon – I encountered it in the same comments section as the comments above:

Deliberate wrongs belong to a special class of wrongs which attract condemnation despite a victims’ actions.

There is, in fact, a huge difference. In the case of motor accidents, the harm is caused (you guessed it), by accident. This changes the nature of the wrong; it is what we can call an accidental wrong. Hence, the traffic accident case is a different type of case from rape, which is a deliberate wrong. Think about it this way: if someone sets out to murder me by running me over with his car, surely I am not to be blamed for failing to use the overhead bridge, or for leaving my house in the first place. The murderer, through his/her deliberate acts, committed a wrong, and this causes my actions to ‘drop out of the picture’. Deliberate wrongs belong to a special class of wrongs which attract condemnation despite a victims’ actions. This is because the responsibility of the wrongdoer, having direct his/her free will towards causing harm, becomes the focus of our moral and legal censure.

Rapes are caused by people. They are not things that happen to people

Remember that rapes are caused by people. They are not things that happen to people. It is not like getting struck by lightning, or being crushed by a falling tree. Rape is a deliberate act, committed with the intention to harm. Hence, the wrong in rape lies solely with the rapist, never the victim.

Third, one might ask: where it is ‘easy’ to avoid rape, shouldn’t victims attract some blame if they fail to do so? In response, I argue that it is not for anyone to say what is ‘easy’ for someone else. As seen from the comments above, some victim-blamers suggest that for women, it is as ‘easy’ as, for example, not drinking, or avoiding the company of men who have previously made advances towards them.

This is wrong, and let me explain why. Women are already disadvantaged in the workplace due to sexist attitudes, and the fact that corporate leadership remains male-dominated (I recently wrote an article on this). It is unlikely that they can avoid the advancements of their male colleagues, or avoid corporate events that include alcohol, if they wish to advance their careers, since these actions may be seen by the male-led corporate leadership as being ‘unsociable’, or failing to be a ‘team-player’.

Hence, the argument that vulnerable situations are ‘easy’ to avoid ignores the unequal power structures that women have to deal with on a daily basis. In the rape case reported above, for example, it was reported that ‘the victim tolerated Ong’s (the rapist) advances so as not to jeopardise her internship at an F&B company whose owners were friends with the accused’.

I am glad that in the comments section of the above-mentioned news article, some people have called out victim-blamers for their ill-founded views. However the fact that victim-blaming comments regularly end up as the ‘top’ comments (with the most ‘likes’) demonstrate the pervasiveness of this regressive mentality in our society. I hope that my contribution will help people call out those who victim-blame, and explain to them why they are wrong, and why their attitudes must change.

R

This post was contributed by Rio Hoe of ConsensusSG.