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Purple-haired slut

Written by Tammy Lim, Change Maker

1I always aspired to be a purple-haired unicorn once I was done with Junior College. It was only after A-levels that I could reclaim my body as an individual, since the idea of ridiculously strict dress codes will not apply in my life (for the time being). After highlighting my hair a brilliant purple (I wanted to dye my whole head purple but my parents said it would be ‘weird’), I was then still called ‘weird’ by several of my male classmates. I casually brushed the comments off, until it escalated to the point that it became slut-shaming.

One day, when my brother’s friends were over, I joined them for dinner. My brother, one of the few people who thought my purple hair was cool, excitedly told his friends that I had dyed my hair. That friend of his commented, “Well, at least you’re not like the other girls who dye their hair.” That statement raised a red flag in my mind, so in response, I prompted, “What do you mean by ‘the other girls’?”. To which he replied in a strangely matter-of-fact way, “They’re sluts.” That answer caused an eruption of laughter among my brother and his friends, while it left my mouth hanging open, blood boiling and very appalled.

It seemed like an incredibly innocuous incident that girls with dyed hair would encounter, but I found it extremely disturbing instead.

It was disconcerting to me when my brother’s friends were laughing at how other girls with dyed hair were called ‘sluts’, because it reinforced the notion that it was perfectly acceptable and even  hilarious to call girls derogatory terms for their own pleasure, even though it made no sense. Also, them laughing stems from self-righteous behaviour: knowing that labelling others ‘sluts’ places themselves on a pedestal above girls who have many sexual partners (although it is truly alright to have many sexual partners). However, this present an ironic double standard as boys are celebrated for being sexual, since it is a sign of their supposed masculinity.

It was also strange that my brother’s friends made a mysterious correlation between having brightly coloured hair and being a slut – how does such brilliantly colourful hair even relate to a person having loads of sex? To me, they were being illogical and anyway, it is no one’s business to know if a person has loads of sex and much less condemn it. Though them spouting the common rhetoric that I’m “not like the other girls” was only said to make me feel like I’m the ‘special one’ who is exempted from the brutal ‘slut’ label, it does not make them any less offensive, because it is still sexist.

From this incident, I realized that slut-shaming has grown from bad to worse. It used to be an insult to girls who have sexual agency, but now, it has evolved to a derogatory umbrella term used to punish girls who deviate from the eye-pleasing and feminine ideal of a girl, even when it is completely unrelated to their sexuality. Imposing such an ideal on girls is not only harsh but also dehumanizing, as girls are expected to be sexy, but not sexual, which in itself is contradictory.

Since the incident, I have been trying to think of ways that I could have countered their misogynistic ways. It dawned upon me that it is much more difficult that simply telling them off: how was I supposed to educate a group of males who enjoyed degrading women in the most ridiculous ways? I still struggle to answer this question till today, but I believe the key is to show that feminism is not meant to police and oppress men (and women also), but rather that feminism liberates and benefits everyone, regardless of gender, through its inclusive nature.

To show others such problematic behaviour that is entrenched in their beliefs is akin to presenting themselves with a mirror and pointing out their flaws – something that is incredibly painful for them to recognise and change.

Slut-shaming is a pervasive form of sexist behaviour that should be eliminated. We all ought to think twice before we scream ‘slut’ at a girl who is simply choosing to take ownership of her body – we should simply respect that.

2About the Writer: Tammy is a recent A level graduate who occasionally writes about feminism and enjoys learning more about gender equality advocacy work, how to fight the patriarchy and being a better feminist. She is constantly with E.T pointing at a new horizon that is bright and full of gender equality.

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My Virginity is a Withering Flower

[Trigger warning for sensitive content]

Momma told me a girl’s virginity is like a flower
A precious possession worth more than any fame and power
You give it away to one, and only one
A grown woman once the deed is done

Papa told me a girl’s virginity is like a flower
Untouched but protected by the grower
Once you pluck it from its soil
That’s it, it is foil

If that’s the case, then what is mine?

Mine would be that of a flower that withers
Not that it really matters
Not the faces that look at me with judgment
Nor the faces that glance at me with disagreement

But the shame and guilt my heart feels

The innocence that is stolen cruelly
The naïve mind that believes in others truly
Darkness came in the day and engulf me
Before I knew it, I’m no longer who I used to be

“What have you done? What have I done?”

Blood stains the bed sheets
Tears stain my pale cheeks
No longer a child but not yet an adult
Not ready to bear this fault

She was but a child, you know

That day, my sky turned black
Everything I had, I now lack
I search for a single drop of light
No one understands my plight

“Whore… Cheap… Slut… Easy…”

Stabbing words ring in my mind
Distasteful eyes watching me from behind
The places I used to go, I now avoid
I wander alone, friends I am now devoid

But how am I different from who I used to be?

I still love the way words dance around my fingers
I still love the way songs make me tingle
I still love pink, the ocean, and the trees
I still love to run and pretend I’m free

How has my lack of virginity make me a worse person?

Would a worse person pick up art
And draw with all her heart
Would a worse person top her class
And ignore snide comments as they pass

You know, momma and papa, you’re wrong

My virginity is a withering flower
It drops its petals like a shower
Its pollen and seeds scatter
But that is not the end of it however

New flowers will always grow in this soil

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A statistical approach to ‘She cried rape’

by Min, Change Maker

article-new-thumbnail-ehow-images-a07-of-7f-out-police-interrogation-800x800-2A scantily-clad woman with a black dress, high heels, red lipstick and smoky eye make-up approaches the officer. The officer stares at her, scrutinising her from head to toe. He shakes his head.

“So, you say you’ve been raped?” he asks.

The woman nods. Despite her strong and confident outer appearance, inside, she is scared. She is trying not to think about it, but she is deeply traumatised.

“Really? But you followed him back to his apartment willingly,” he questions her skeptically. Glancing at the documents, he adds, “Besides, you have a very active sex life. 100 men in a year, I hear.”

She sighs. They don’t believe her.

Her case is not uncommon in Singapore. In fact, until 2012, Section 157(d) of the Evidence Act made it possible to discredit a victim of sexual assault based on her sexual history. This means that if a victim is known to be a very sexually active person, the judges are less likely to believe that she has been sexually assaulted or raped.

There are several reasons why people would think a woman would cry rape. The reasons ranges from revenge to regretting a one night’s stand.

However, how many of rape accusations are really false allegations?

The percentage of false rape allegations cases are few, even insignificant

The numbers may be shocking to some. In the United States, 8% of rape allegations are false. In other countries, it ranges from between 1.5% to 10%. Research by National Center for the Prosecution of Violence Against Women reports through research that 2 to 8% of rape allegations are false.

This means that when a woman claims to be raped, often times than not, she is telling the truth.

Besides, false rape allegations are also unlikely to happen because of stigma attached to having been raped

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Society has a wide range of negative responses to someone who’s been raped. Victim-blaming is common, blaming them for dressing too inappropriately and/or simply ‘asking for it’. Society might look down upon them, and perceive them as ‘cheap’ and ‘used’, because they are no longer ‘innocent’. Other times, they will be told to keep silent, because being raped is disgraceful.

Hence, it is even more unlikely that a woman would risk all that just to pretend to be a rape victim.

In fact, many cases of rape or sexual assault go unreported

In Singapore, 90% of sexual crimes are not reported. A survey has also shown that 75% of physical and sexual violence cases are unreported.

As friends and family, we should do our best to be understanding and supportive whenever our loved ones confide in us about a sexual assault or rape. Being judgmental or brushing the topic aside only risks denying justice to those who experience rape or sexual assault.

Conclusions

imagesI strongly believe we, not just as a society but as family and friends of someone who’s been raped, should listen attentively whenever someone confides in us instead of jumping to conclusions straightaway. I have never had any friends who have been raped, but I do know that if I had one, I would listen to their story and support them all the way. After all, what is a friend if they won’t believe your side of the story?

I think society should also be more mindful when making assumptions about a person. It does not mean a woman is lying about rape just because she was sexually active, may have agreed to be alone with the man and/or had said initially yes to a sexual advance.

Rape can happen to anyone.

About the author: Min is someone who is not afraid to speak out if she believes that something needs to be said or done. Many a times, her strong passion and faith in her beliefs lead to little changes being done. She hopes that others will do the same.

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What I learnt from my cyber-bullying experience

by Hazel Que Miaoye, Change Maker

I had always examined cyber-bullying from an outsider’s perspective, with a considerable degree of detachment. Even after engaging in extensive class discussions and readings, subconsciously, I safely assumed that I would never become a victim of online harassment.

cyber-bullyingI wasn’t until one year ago that I realized how wrong I was. Back then, I was involved in a project that aims to promote internship opportunities across high schools in Singapore. To understand the extent of student participation in internships and analyze the types of internships undertaken, my team crafted a detailed set of survey questions for high schoolers to answer. I posted the survey on my Facebook timeline, and among all the responses – responses that should be academic, professional and unrelated to sex at all – one made the exception and overwhelmed me with horrifying disbelief – under please describe the internship you’ve participated in, ‘F*ck Miaoye’ was the title, while sexually explicit scenes filled the space below details of your internship. As if that’s not insulting enough, the respondent bombarded me with slut-shaming slurs at the end, with all the steps done anonymously. Only my friends in real life had access to my Facebook account. So who did it? Why did he/she direct such threatening messages to me, when I did not even do anything that deserved it? I was clueless. It was betrayal, disrespect and hurt all rolled into one – a distasteful combination I could barely digest.

Fortunately, the initial phase of anxiety and bitter disappointment did not last long. As my emotions took a backseat to reason, I turned to my peers for support and advice. However, after listening to my encounter, they conveniently brushed me off with casual remarks such as “Maybe it’s just a prank”. One member even suggested deleting that particular survey response, so that those words would not reappear while I was collecting other results and I could “forget about it and move on”.

I was genuinely disturbed by their words, which reflected the (unfortunately still) widespread belief that sexual oppression towards girls is common and should not be taken seriously; that victims are supposed to deal with everything, while the wrongdoers are free from responsibility, condemnation and guilt. It is precisely this dangerous tendency to trivialize physical and/or psychological harm that’s silencing women and perpetuating sexism and gender-related violence. I never felt as compelled to make a meaningful difference through my actions, however insignificant they might seem to be.

My first instinct was to confront the perpetrator, telling him/her outright that how much a loser he/she is (I’m not going to make assumptions about the person’s gender, but whether the person is a male or not, my experience is a sobering reminder that sexual harassment is disproportionately aimed at women), which was completely impractical due to the anonymity. I even considered posting a Facebook message addressed to him/her as a warning, but the plan was soon dismissed because I thought it would not be effective. Is there any other way I could connect to them at all? No.

think beforeThe most I could do was to prepare for what I felt was the worst-case scenario. For that, I looked for my Economics teacher (who’s more like a friend) the next day. She was outraged by the insensitive act and promised to protect me if the person attempts to hurt me in real life. The ugly episode brought the feminist out of both of us. We talked about how some boys are perpetuating chauvinism (and other ‘-ism’s as they translate masculinity into superiority) in class, and how the others – especially the girls, who are more affected by gender inequality – should never hesitate to challenge sexism manifested in every facet of our daily lives.

The conversation became the inspiration for me to continue to promote awareness of feminist issues, even after the incident faded away. The person’s identity and intentions, though still a mystery, no longer concern me anymore; I only think about how to reduce, if not eradicate the injustice, prejudices and harm that are inflicted on women and men alike, as a result of gender inequality and gender stereotypes. So, in the spirit of feminism, I have a few tips regarding cyber-bullying to offer (which may seem like common sense, but are often forgotten in the cases of real harassment):

  •  If you are a victim, it is natural to be afraid. However, if you feel like you are able to do so safely and are comfortable in doing so, you should speak up about your experiences.
  • If you are a friend of a victim, show some care and empathy; it’s never too much to offer your friends love and protection during their tough times.
  • If you intend to cause harm, or have bullied, harassed or abused someone online for whatever reason, acknowledge and own your actions. It’s not too late to change yet. Think about how your casual actions are ruining someone’s life, and how you would hate to be in that someone’s position; apologize if you can. It’s really not that hard to make a meaningful difference.

IMG_6094 2About the author: Hazel is proudly bisexual, unwaveringly feminist and almost turned completely anarchist after reading Noam Chomsky’s book. She seems to defy all your stereotypes about China girls, but well, stereotypes are stupid anyway.

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The scourge of cyber harassment

By Kimberly Lim, Change Maker

According to the Pew Research Center, 73% of adults had witnessed some form of cyber harassment in 2014 alone. Widespread cyber harassment has prompted individuals like Monica Lewinsky to commit themselves to ending cyber bullying. However, the issue of cyber harassment is multifaceted and women are disproportionately the victims of cyber-harassment.huffpost

1.  Stalking

Perhaps one of the most well-known forms of cyber harassment is stalking. Today, personal information like email addresses and photographs is easily accessible online. It is also possible to obtain private information illegally through hacking, as seen from the recent leak of nude celebrity photographs on the imageboard 4chan. But more than often, it is not celebrities, but ordinary people who are targeted—one of the most famous cases is that of Randi Barber in the 1990s, whose stalker revealed her home address on sex chat lines and online advertisements, putting her in danger. Such stories are no longer uncommon in today’s context, as seen from movies like “Cyber Stalker”, where protagonist Aiden Ashley’s online stalker broke into her home.

2.  Slut-shaming

know your memeIncreasingly, the proliferation of social media and the ability to hide behind anonymity have fuelled malicious attacks on individuals perceived as sexually promiscuous. In 2013, the hashtag #slanegirl was particularly infamous, as Twitter users collectively denounced a girl caught performing oral sex at a concert venue, with some even going to the extent of publishing her full name and age on online public spaces. More recently, schools in USA are facing protests after humiliating students who were perceived to be inappropriately dressed by forcing them to wear loose fitting “shame suits”. Such behavior, however, irresponsibly perpetuates the damaging outlook that victims are responsible for their own plight, while removing responsibility from perpetrators.

3.  Revenge “Porn”

The non-consensual distribution of sexual images has also become worryingly common. This usually occurs after a breakup, where intimate pictures or videos are posted as a form of retaliation. According to the Cyber Civil Rights Initiative, 1 in 10 have threatened to post explicit material implicating their former partners, while 93% of victims have undergone extreme emotional distress. Only recently have lawmakers begun to formulate specific legislation tackling revenge porn; under California’s new anti-revenge porn laws, Noe Iniguez was the first to be sentenced in December 2014.

4.  Rape Videos

telegraphThe glorification of rape has also, unfortunately, emerged as part of the culture of violence online. Underscoring the popular hashtag #Jadapose is the cruel mockery of 16 year old Jada, whose rapists posted pictures of her online. In Russia, with intolerance towards the LGBT community on the rise, videos featuring vigilantes humiliating and physically hurting homosexuals have become widespread as well.

Underscoring all forms of cyber harassment is the common theme of violence, lack of empathy and the erosion of human dignity. In Singapore, we have recently proposed new anti-harassment laws, encompassed in the Protection from Harassment Act. However, the extent to which legislation can combat entrenched anti-social behaviour remains to be fully seen. Nonetheless, we can remain optimistic that with recognition from the law that cyber harassment is undesirable, social paradigms may likewise shift in a more positive direction as well.

About the Author:

Kimberly is a recent junior college graduate. She has a fascination for history and an unhealthy obsession over fluffy things. Currently, she is enjoying her life after the A Levels and is trying her hand at felt knitting, constantly leaving traces of wool in her wake, much to the chagrin to her friends and family.

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Violence against women: Not just a women’s issue

men against violence against womenKen Lay, Chief Commissioner of Police in Victoria, Australia, has made family violence his signature issue. In this speech, he talks about how we misapprehend the nature of family violence, making ourselves feel safer by seeing violence as an internal domestic issue and assigning complicity to victims.

There are many myths about domestic violence that we perpetuate – the victim must have incited the abuse, she is guilty of bad judgement, if a woman’s life was endangered, she would simply leave.

Ken Lay seeks to broaden people’s views on domestic violence – and to reach out to one group specifically.

“Men, I want you to consider why blokes are so quiet on these issues.”

The speaker calls for action, asking men to stand up against violence and discrimination. Placing family violence in a wider culture where vulgar and violent attitudes to women are common, he wants to see a change in attitude, making all indecency against women deeply shameful among men.

“I want you to consider what twisted sense of entitlement compels a man to grab a woman in a bar or call her a slut.”

Many activists around the world are trying to involve men and the larger community in something widely seen as a “women’s issue. The anti-sexist activist Jackson Katz, whose TED talk on violence against women went viral, emphasises the importance of collective change.

“The perpetrators aren’t monsters who crawl out of the swamp and come into town to perform their nasty deeds and then retreat into the darkness.” The violence is created in our society. Katz demands change, asking powerful men to set an example in building a violence-free community. Why?

“So that future generations won’t have the level of tragedy that we deal with on a daily basis.”