Tag: gender equality

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The Friend Zone

by Kimberly Jow, Change Maker

Just Friends posterYou hear stories of the Friend Zone all the time. Guy is friends with girl, guy falls for girl, he is rejected and they remain friends, though he is often resentful and upset at this turn of events. The story follows Guy and his adventures in dealing with heartbreak, and often a happy ending is when he finally manages to get the girl. This sounds like a great movie pitch, and I would send it into Hollywood, who is on my speed dial, but it’s already been done.

The pity attached to the phrase “the Friend Zone” is automatic; the man’s rejected advances are to be mourned, and the girl is immediately at fault. Her friendship is taken as a consolation prize, as a hurtful and unintelligent thing to offer in response to a Nice Guy who just wants to ask her out. Her friendship is not enough, and it is laughable that she thinks of him as “just” a good friend. She is seen to be blind, to be picky, and to have terrible taste in men.

I have heard many people say that the Friend Zone is without negative connotation. The “women who put them in the friend zone” is merely a category of women who have rejected their romances and now are friends. I don’t think that holds true. First off, the specificity of this category is problematic. Is a woman’s friendship after a rejection different from the friend zone memenormal friendships? If there were no negative connotations, why does it have to be in this special category of friendships? It almost seems as if the Friend Zone is an excuse to shame those women by putting them in a box and giving them a generalised name, attached to a series of traits they are expected to have.

Secondly, the fact that the phrase “the friend zone” mostly comes in a sentence like “Amy put me in the friend zone” suggests a fair amount of blame. Despite the fact that a person’s liking for Amy was unrequited, she is still the one playing the active role in “putting” him in this zone. You don’t hear people say, “I put myself in the friend zone with Amy”, because Hypothetical Amy is the one perceived to be at fault in this situation.

My main question would be, “Why?”. What is the purpose of this specificity, of this blame? I am not denying that having one’s affections rejected is painful, but the whole Friend Zone seems like one huge guilt trip. One feels entitled to a woman, and uses the all-mighty Friend Zone to shame her for exercising her right to choose. It’s sexist, and also heteronormative. One assumes that a man who has a female friend automatically wants to have a romantic relationship with her. Assuming otherwise is an insult to his masculinity, and it assumes his heterosexuality.

Daniel Radcliffe on the friend zoneMore worryingly, however, the strong need for men to shame women into having relationships with them seems to stem from some kind of patriarchal expectation. There is a strong pressure from Singaporean families to get married and have children, which explains a desire to have a romantic relationship in order to prove their relevance and membership in society. For many people, a relationship is seen as a mark of success, a flag of victory. What many don’t see is that this illusion of the perfect relationship is not essential in one’s emotional and psychological well-being. The Friend Zone can be seen as a harmful and sexist attack on women’s rights, but it can also be the product of incessant pressures to be “with someone” and harsh patriarchal rules.

I cannot pretend to be able to solve this deeply complex issue. I acknowledge its tangled and deeply seated place in the large mass of sexism, and realise that my solutions could only scratch the surface. This will not stop me from trying. It is time we see a relationship for what it is – two people liking each other and both getting what they want from it, instead of an item on a checklist to be a functioning member of society. It is time that we fully understand the term “Friend Zone” in all its harmfulness, and stop using it in day-to-day life. And maybe it is time to admit that our society has exaggerated the healing properties of a relationship, and reassure ourselves that it is fine to get into relationships only when we are ready, instead of using harmful tools to get our way.

About the Author: Kimberly is a somewhat ambitious NUS undergraduate who has always dreamed of writing her own About the Author section. She retains much hope for eventual equality, and is willing to fight the currents to get there.

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You get to choose what kind of guy you are.

“Be a man.” “Man up.” “Grow a pair.” Young men are constantly reminded that there is a definition of “manliness” they are expected to live up to and grow into. This year, We Can! wants to talk about that.

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We want to start honest conversations about the men we are, the men in our lives, and the different ways that they choose to be men. We want to talk about how young men are boxed in, silenced, and forced to conform. We want to talk about masculinity, and how in its prescribed, prepackaged form, it has had a toxic effect on lives.

“Secondary school made me question my identity and existence. Secondary school gave me a look into how a culture of masculinity breaks down special individuals with unique personalities little by little, day by day. …I could not believe that this was how the world was meant to be. We are more than just printed lists of personality traits that fit neatly into prescribed boxes.” – Alvin

We want to talk about about how people are taught that being a man means being “not feminine” and how that makes femininity bad and shameful. We want to talk about how men are taught to see women and how slowly, those lessons are passed onto others.

“I was never one of the boys. I was never allowed to express how I felt — emotion equals vulnerability, equals femininity. I was told to bury those emotions and hide them from plain sight, to confine myself to a psychological prison. Because if a man sheds a single tear, he is no longer that. He is feminised. He is less than.” – Kelvin

And, most importantly, we want to talk about the assets men have and the difference they can make. Because we know men who do this every day. Men who can and want to change the rules of the game and carve out spaces where we can talk to each other about how to create a freer, safer society for everyone. Men who are allies, men who empathise with women and non-binary folks’ struggles, men who are inclusive and accepting of men who are different from them.

“Don’t be that guy. Like, that guy who doesn’t take no for an answer. The guy who calls at women in public places, on public transport, and gets mad when they don’t respond the way he wants them to. The guy who doesn’t want to hear “no”, and so waits until his target is too drunk, or high, to say “no”. The guy who keeps pushing until “no” becomes “yes”. Respect the “no”, and move on.” – Robert

It starts with you – your stories, your experiences, your thoughts on how we can start talking, listening, and making change. What does “being a man” mean in a society that tells us it is the same thing as dominance, aggression and power? What kind of masculinity do you want for yourself, your friends, your brothers? How can men use their strengths and position in society to boost the status of men who are less privileged, of women and people of other genders?

Tell us, by:

1. Joining our focus group for young men

Through our focus group, we hope to identify some of the key experiences and issues that young men in Singapore face today and explore how we can make positive change to redefine masculinity. You will also get to meet other male Change Makers to have a dialogue on gender, identity and change-making.

2. Sharing your own story on our blog

3. Starting your own Change Maker project

Or just write to [email protected] to find out more!
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Ask Before Touching

By Sahar Pirzada, Change Maker. This piece was originally posted on Beyond The Hijab

*Content Note: Post discusses rape and marital rape

It is common practice to ask before touching something that is not yours. The same rule applies to bodies. A husband does not own his wife or her body and must ask before touching it. She is the sole owner of her body and has the right to decide who can touch it, how, when and for how long.

hijabThis concept seems to have been lost on not only some Islamist groups such as Hizbut Tahrir in Malaysia, but some Muslim people in general who do not believe that marital rape exists in Islam. Rape is rape. Whether it is between strangers, friends, a dating couple or a married couple – the action of forcing a person have sex with them without their consent (or forced consent due to emotional coercion) is rape.

As a Muslim woman, I believe the rights granted to me by my religion are just and fair. I, therefore, have a vested interest in proving marital rape is forbidden in Islam because if it weren’t, then what does that mean about the worth of my sexual agency in a marriage? My passion to educate women about their sexual and reproductive rights became much more important to me several months back, when I conducted a workshop for Muslim women in Singapore.

One of the aunties approached me after my talk and asked “Can I really say no if he wants to have sex? Won’t the angels curse at me if I say no?” My heart broke as she went on to explain to me how she would ask her husband every night before going to bed if he wanted anything from her sexually, but she was rarely in the mood and was asking merely out of obligation as his wife. The conversation raised many questions about physical intimacy, sexual rights and consent in the context of Muslim marriages. The assumption in the room was that by signing the Islamic marriage contract, a woman has legally consented to engaging in sexual activity with her partner any time he demanded it. In the case of the aunty, she consented, even when she did not want to have sex, out of fear of a spiritual punishment. The question then remains- is this willful and informed consent? Making sense of this situation requires us to take a closer look at interpretations of religious texts and judgements about the expectation of women to have sex with their husbands.

First, there are certain hadiths one can refer to that are used to justify the requirement for women to say yes to her husband’s sexual requests. In Sahih Muslim, The Book of Marriage (Kitab al-Nikah), 3368, Abu Huraira (may Allah pleased with him) reported Allah’s Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying:

When a man invites his wife to his bed and she does not come, and he (the husband) spends the sight being angry with her, the angels curse her until morning.];

Secondly, there are influential figures such as Ustaz Abdul Hakim Othman of HTM, who believe and openly decree that marriage legalises a Muslim to have sexual relations with a woman. “Your body is to be used by your husband, to put it crudely. When you marry a woman, there’s no need to get consent [for sex], no need at all,” he said.

It is easy to see how these messages can be read negatively by both men and women. For men, they may believe their wives should submit to their sexual requests. For women, they may believe that it is their religious obligation as wives to say yes.

rrrrrrrThere are, however, alternative understandings of Islam that support a woman’s right to consent to all forms of sexual activity within a marriage. Dr. Ahmad Farouk Musa of the Islamic Renaissance Front is one such individual who is speaking out against the patriarchal interpretations of Islam. He is quoted in MalayMail Online having said “Any imposition without her consent is basically an assault on her rights as an independent human being. If this imposition without consent is termed marital rape, then marital rape it is.”

Shaykh Muhammad Adeyinka Mendes during a lecture for Sacred Path of Love explicitly denounced marital rape and also noted that the hadith about angels cursing women was in reference to women who use sex as a tool to manipulate and control their husbands.

After finding less than satisfying interpretations of the angels cursing hadith online, I consulted with local Indonesian scholar Dr. Nur Rofiah who explained how the hadith can not be understood in a vaccuum. It should be understood as a part of a collection of verses from the Quran and other hadiths that discuss marital relations. In the Quran, you have a verse that notes husbands and wives being garments of each other – this indicates an equal relationship between them. She went on to explain that the hadith about the angels cursing women refers to instances where the husband is inviting the wife politely but the wife refuses arrogantly to have sex with him. Marriage allows men and women to have sex with each other but forbids cruel treatment and consent should be obtained actively and not assumed.

Another shaykha from the US provided me with a similar explanation of the hadith:

“It is her legal right to refuse and accept any physical relationship. If she uses her right abusively ( to manipulate him and use his sexual needs as a tool against him to get what she wants or out of a desire to punish him) the husband still has no right to force her. Rather, the hadith admonishes her and warns her of her punishment with Allah and His angels. If a woman is tired or sick or just doesn’t want to engage in relations and she is not using her refusal as a means to hurt her husband, there is no negative spiritual consequence to her refusal. Such a woman would refuse in a kind way (as opposed to abusive) and whether her husband understands or not, is not on her once she has communicated to him with ihsan. The hadith is meant for women who cheapen the marital bond and relations to a weapon they can use against their husbands. Even then, the hadith reminds them that they may have the worldly right to refuse in an abusive way, but they don’t have the ethical right.”

Her explanation presents a far more nuanced understanding of the hadith, as opposed to the literal reading that people are so keen to adopt, and therein lies the key difference.

In understanding any religious obligation, we are often confronted with numerous conflicting passages of the Quran and hadith, all of which are rooted in very specific contexts. We must constantly challenge ourselves to think the best of our religion and question interpretations of religious texts that promote injustice. If there is ever a situation where an individual is being physically, emotionally or spiritually harmed in the name of Islam, we need to not just brush it off as “those aren’t Muslims who say that” but work to understand their perspective and offer positive alternative perspectives. When in doubt – refer back to the character of the Prophet (S) and the core teachings of Islam that simply put, ask us all to do good in this world. In my Islam, emotional blackmail, coercion and rape are not part of those teachings.

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Crossdressing: Blurring the lines between genders

by Ming Gui, Change Maker

Generally, in Singapore, the idea of crossdressing is not widely accepted. Some people view crossdressers as weird or “gay”, insulting them online or offline.

0Why is society not receptive to crossdressing? Why can’t a man wear skirts and have long hair without people glancing at him judgmentally? Why can’t a woman have super short hair without people calling her a tomboy?

Perhaps speaking to a couple of crossdressers can provide a new perspective on crossdressing and societal views towards it.

Rain* is a woman who presents as a man every day for more than a year now. Most people are surprised and confused on how ‘convincingly male’ she can look. She was assigned to the female gender at birth, but feels that her gender identity can range from agender to male, and often confuses people in the way she looks. She feels that her women’s clothes are more like a costume and feels like she is a man crossdressing as a woman whenever she wears women’s clothes. When interviewed and asked about her view of crossdressing, she answered:

“The idea of cross dressing is largely defined by society. It is society that has decided what is male clothing and is female clothing, and it is society that has decided to view your gender according to your biology. Obviously I don’t agree that guys /girls must look a certain way. There are female bodybuilders and there are plenty of guys with long hair. The only reason why they are not common here is because of NS and reservice regulations. The subject of cross dressing gets a little more complicated when it comes to personal gender identity. If you identify as a girl despite having male biology, you will think of dresses as normal wear – something you should be wearing anyway, and not “cross dressing””

Dotz* is another crossdresser, who can look really convincing when he puts on his wigs and make-up. Reactions from others about his crossdressing hobby ranges from positivity to curiousity. He says:

“Regardless of the reasons, I think society generally don’t take too well to crossdressers. This bad rep is probably gotten from cases we see in the news (like that recent report of the guy who crossdressed to peep at girls in the toilet) or from the negative assumption that transgender folk are usually streetwalkers, ergo, crossdressers are too. Nevertheless, I think our society is slowly becoming more open towards crossdressers. I think fashion today is also blurring the gender divide as the style of clothing is becoming more androgynous. Then there is also the deluge of the Korean wave with male artists donning eye liner, make up and all that to perform (Visual Kei too, but I guess that isn’t as mainstream). So these are some of the factors that I feel are slowly influencing society to see crossdressing as a form of self-expression or perhaps even as a fashion choice rather than seeing it for negative things.”

When asked whether he believes in the unspoken rule that only men can wear men’s clothes and only women can wear women’s clothes, he says:

 “Since I am a crossdresser, I definitely don’t think that. But I think it is rather difficult for the standard male body to be able to pull off most female fashion nicely. If you ask me why, I will have difficulties answering why I feel this way. Perhaps it’s an effect of being influenced by society since young? Or maybe it’s evolutionary? Anyway, as I mentioned, fashion is gradually blurring the gender divide. Also, what wrong has a boy committed if he simply wears a dress? And of course, I think most people would probably give you the example of the Scottish kilt worn by guys. I think most people have their own preconceived notion of what others should wear, which I think is really selfish. I for one, am offended by people who wear sandals with socks, but who am I to judge right?”

Mihiko*, a male crossdresser who loves Lolita fashion, crossdresses both in private and at gatherings and events. He views crossdressing as a form of art and appreciation of ‘your other side’. He comments:

“My mom knows about my crossdressing and she discourages me from it. However, others such as those who are into subculture scene see me dressed pretty at events, compliment my dress up and hoped I could dress up more frequently. The will be objections to crossdressing, given a majority of conservative people in a conservative society here in Singapore. There are such a wide range of crossdressers that it is almost impossible to stereotype them as homosexual people. Some of them did it for role-playing (getting into the another gender role as similar to the character), and they have their own ethics or principles to draw the line between free love with the same sex. Therefore people assuming all crossdressers as ‘homosexuals’ are pretty ignorant, biased and downright disrespectful, and I hope that more can be done to change that.”

All in all, it all boils down to societal norms. It is society that tells you what a man should wear and what a woman should wear. It is society that tells you that girls wear pink and dresses, and boys wear blue and pants. It is society that lay out such rules. Even in schools, girls wear skirts while boys wear pants.

When someone wears an article of clothing that does not immediately correspond to their gender, it raises eyebrows.

a6b66e5c034416f231e127329636d2bcdb4c30a5Fortunately, the world is getting more and more accepting: there has been a rise in the number of people, regardless of their gender, trying out new types of fashion. There are many other people like Rain and Dotz, who crossdress and feel happy about it, regardless of what others may think. Indeed, the line between gender-appropriate fashions is blurring.

I leave an apt quote from Rain:

“I think everyone should be allowed to wear whatever the heck they want without getting judged.”

*Names have been changed to protect identity

About the Author: Min is bisexual, and will openly admit it if anyone asks about her sexuality. However, she likes dressing like fairy princess. Her fashion style gains her judgmental stares whenever she walks down the street, but she does not care. She feels happier dressing that way.

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I was never one of those boys

 by Kelvin Ng Jiawin, Change Maker

Note: This was a spoken word poem I recently penned; it deals with my experience with the concept of masculinity growing up, and my sense of alienation from traditionally masculine activities and spaces led me to my conviction in feminism. My belief in feminism stems from the fact that a lot of men, like me, are hurt and restricted by the patriarchy and traditional gender stereotypes. It should be acknowledged, however, that cisgender males still hold an immense amount of privilege, and while men are oppressed by the patriarchy, it is hardly equal in scale to the oppression women and trans people face. 

girls night outGrow a pair. Don’t cry. Be strong. Use force. Be a man.

I was never one of the boys. I was always the sissy, the bapok, the chao ahgua, the niangniangqiang, the sei geilou, cornered as my male classmates discussed the EPL, the NBA, the NFL and a bunch of other three-letter acronyms I didn’t care for, as they threw slurs in two Chinese dialects, three regional variations of English, four of Singapore’s national languages.

I was always the work-in-progress, the interim, the blank canvas waiting for Men’s Health to superimpose Chris Hemsworth’s biceps and Zac Efron’s abs onto, for Maxim to quantify in numerical terms: muscle mass, bodily fat composition, penis size.

I was always the flaming homosexual, the gay propagandist, the one out to get your children, simply for being into theatre and fashion and cooking — because obviously Rodger and Hammerstein and Stephen Sondheim and Ralph Lauren and Gordon Ramsay don’t exist, and gosh, aren’t those for girls?

I was never allowed to express how I felt — emotion equals vulnerability, equals femininity. I was told to bury those emotions and hide them from plain sight, to confine myself to a psychological prison. Because if a man sheds a single tear, he is no longer that. He is feminised. He is less than.

Top-Toy-boy-playing-with-doll1Feminism offered me a parole.

But wait — feminism? But fem means female, so obviously they’re a bunch of man-hating misandrists who want to oppress men and taking away your rights and oh did I mention they hate men? Do you hate yourself?

It was ridiculous, really, how egregiously misunderstood feminism as an ideology is. But I found the language to articulate the hurt I felt, for deviating from established gender roles. I found the freedom to flip my finger to traditional gender systems. I found clarity, to realise how fucked-up it is that I should be expected to live up to arbitrary ideals, that I should be deemed inferior for even being different, that I should laugh in casual nonchalance and mask my ideology in the face of a sandwich joke just to fit in.

Feminism, really, isn’t about bringing down men; it’s about bringing down traditional masculinity. It’s about allowing us — men, women, or wherever we may fall on the gender spectrum, to live our lives beyond the narrow pigeonholes of our assigned gender. To choose.

I need feminism, because I love Sylvia Plath and sketching stilettos and knowing all the lyrics to Wicked and that shouldn’t be deemed as girly or frivolous or inane.

I need feminism, because I want my nephew to be able to play with his sister’s dollhouse and she, with his basketball without their mum going all up in arms about how boys should act like boys; I need feminism, because how biological are gender differences anyway, when society makes a big fuss over boys wearing skirts and playing with kitchen sets, and reinforces heteronormativity at every opportunity it gets?

I need feminism, because I long for the freedom to be able to relieve myself of the burden of failure — of failing to live up to a construct that arbitrarily categorises us into tidy, Mars-Venus boxes and denies us our common, earthly humanity; a construct so fragile that we have to shroud it with careful caveats: metrosexual, bromance, guyliner, manbag, no homo.

I need feminism, because I want to unlearn the hyper-masculine posturing, the internalised sexism, the entitlement, the mansplaining, and to be able to acknowledge half the world’s population as equals not just in name but in actuality.

I need feminism, because I want to laugh, to cry, to hug someone, to feel vulnerable, to care, and to feel the full spectrums of emotions I’m allowed to beyond paroxysms of rage and rancour.

I need feminism, because all the issues raised by meninism, or men’s rights activism — male violence, custody battles, alimony, national service — all stem from patriarchal mindsets.They all stem from our ingrained cultural connotations of violence, emotional indifference, toughness and hilariously inadept children that we’ve grown to associate with traditional masculinity.

I need feminism, because the very people angrily tweeting #NotAllMen are the ones who routinely sweep us under the carpet, who exclude us from traditionally masculine spaces, who ignore the existence of gay men, trans men and men of colour.

I need feminism, because with 3.5 billion men in the world, there isn’t possibly one way to be a man.

I need feminism, because I want us to stop celebrating masculinity, and start celebrating men, women, cisgender or transgender, for being who they are, and me for who I am.

pic1About the Author: Kelvin Ng is a debater by training and part-time poet. His biggest accomplishment is remembering all the lyrics to Beyonce’s ***Flawless — both the original one and the Nicki Minaj remix — so that must mean something.

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When I talk about feminism, I talk about my brownness

by Drima Chakraborty, Change Maker 

Racial Harmony Day is a dreaded day of the year forappropriating sari Indian girls in local schools. It seems like everyone who is not Indian decides to “wear” (or “sushi wrap”?) a sari. Don’t get me wrong, we love it when friends to borrow a sari or actually try to learn how to put it on. But it is disrespectful when they buy a 12-foot piece of cloth, wrap it haphazardly, and call that a sari; or when cliques of Singaporean Chinese girls take pictures with their hands joined and a leg in the air in some mockery of yoga. But they don’t recognise this is racist. 

To achieve gender equality, we need to think about how racial inequality persists.  People of the same gender are not equal among one another, because of race.  Yet, when I bring up racism and how it works together with sexism and other forms of discrimination, I get told to quit being a malcontent and keep it down. 

Singapore prides itself in being post-racial – I encounter the attitude that we were colonised too and therefore can do no wrong racially. Some schoolmates even claimed to be above all this pettiness and commented that feminism and activism was great, but how my too direct, too rough approach discredited everything I did – suggesting they were unwilling to hear uncomfortable truths. 

But for non-Chinese women in Singapore, the experiences of racial discrimination and gender discrimination cannot be separated.  Upon being crowned Miss Singapore Universe, Rathi Menon of Indian origin was bombarded with hate on social media and forums, by Singaporeans who felt that she was unrepresentative of Singaporean beauty. She was brown-skinned unlike everyone’s favourite Korean pop icons or the pale East Asian women in SKII commercials. 

holi-colorsI found myself on the receiving end of this when a well-liked girl in school made an online posting using an anti-black slur, and then continued reiterating that the slur in question was not racist at all.  When I challenged this, the responses were appalling: “You’re not black, just dark brown, so why be the defender of black minorities?” “Stop trying to be the model minority, there are no black people here.”  Who gave them the permission to use these words in the absence of black people?

Many of the women and girls who defended me, who were not East Asian, were subjected to insults on our appearances – a case where sexism and racism came together. 

We need more awareness of the reality of racial discrimination in Singapore.  Too many people hear “regardless of race, language or religion” and believe that all of us are treated fairly.  Questioning this belief is taken to be racist.  “Colour-blindness” means that the racial majority does not realise that we need equity, not equality.  Equality is seeing that the scales are unbalanced and then adding equal amounts of weight to both sides, while equity is adding more weight to the lighter side to balance the two sides. To balance the scales, policies and social studies needs to be more inclusive of race, and not “blind” to it. 

We have to look beyond this façade and critically examine our micro-aggressions towards other races, firstly within activist spheres, and then within our larger community. If not, it will continue to be the case that I get racial slurs hurled at me when I discuss gender equality or sexist slurs when I discuss racial equality.  We need spaces where we can be free of both sexism and racism – also known as an intersectional approach.  Race has to be recognised as a feminist issue.

About the author: Drima is a trash-talker and brown intersectional feminist. They suggest you not wear a sari by holding it in place and spinning in a circle about twenty times.

Want to write a blog for We Can! Singapore? Email Nabilah at [email protected] with your pitch!

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The Fight for All

 

by Lee Wan Yii, Change Maker 

If you’ve been following recent celebrity news, you would have noticed the huge uproar over a portion of Patricia Arquette’s backstage speech after the Oscars (watch 2:16 to 2:36). In feminist circles, the word “intersectionality” is thrown around a lot, and this recent controversy has the brought the word into light a lot more. Everyone’s asking for intersectional feminism to be brought to the table and for us to fight for “all women”.

But just what is intersectionality? I think this is a great teachable moment for everyone about the topic, and what we should do about it.

What It Is

image 3 (1)Let’s first break down Arquette’s exact words to understand exactly why they were so controversial:

“So the truth is, even though we sort of feel like we have equal rights in America, right under the surface, there are huge issues that are applied that really do affect women. And it’s time for all the women in America and all the men that love women, and all the gay people, and all the people of color that we’ve all fought for to fight for us now.”

Arquette seems to have her heart in the right place – she’s calling out the pervasive problem of gender inequality, and is calling for people to help empower women and level the playing field (earlier on, she was addressing the specific issue of wage inequality between men and women). She’s saying loud and clear that there is a problem that needs to be fixed, because it’s not okay for men to have a systemically sexist advantage over women. Shouldn’t feminists applaud that rallying call rather than tear her down for it?

I think there are a some problems with her statement, which reveal that as she fights sexism in her own way, she still has clear misconceptions about racism and LGBTQA+ issues. Her statement suggests:

  1. That the groups “women”, “men that love women”, “gay people”, and “people of colour” are all separate categories of people, instead of possibly overlapping aspects of identities. (For one, there are many queer women of colour out there!)
  2. That the fight for “all the gay people” and “all the people of colour” is separate from and less important than the fight for women.
  3. That the former two are over or close to over, while the fight for women is not.
  4. That women have been involved in fighting for “all the gay people” and “all the people of colour”, and so the latter two groups somehow owe/are in debt to women for their progress.

Her seemingly harmless statement ignores some basic realities about people, identity, and the fight for social justice. When she says “we”, she doesn’t seem to be referring to all women – she seems to be referring to a specific group of women: namely white, heterosexual women. And so this begs the question: what about everyone else?

Here’s where intersectionality comes in!

The term refers to the connections between forms of oppression or discrimination. In every system of oppression, there is a group that is disadvantaged based on their identity (e.g. women being discriminated against because of their gender), while there is another group that is privileged based on their identity. And because people have many aspects to their identities (e.g. gender, race, sexual orientation, class, and other identity markers), each individual’s experience in society turns out to be unique.

For example, someone may identify as a female – but beyond that, she would also identify with a race, belong to a certain socioeconomic class, and fall into many other social categories and systems. She may be privileged due to how she identifies in some ways, and oppressed due to others.

Therefore, intersectionality recognises the following:

  1. Everyone has many different parts to their identities.
  2. Everyone is somehow privileged/disadvantaged by various systems of discrimination, e.g. racism, sexism, LGBTQA+ discrimination, ableism, etc., in different ways.
  3. We don’t want to make various social justice causes mutually exclusive, or reinforce some forms of oppressions while combatting others.
  4. We don’t want to force people to choose between different parts of their identity. (Would a woman of colour have to say, “Let’s pause the fight against racism to help women get equal pay!” in response to Arquette?)

And so an intersectional feminist would say, “All women of all backgrounds are victims of gender inequality, and so we’re going to fight for and with all of them, without disregarding, or worse, reinforcing, any other forms of oppression!”

image 2What to Do

Intersectionality applies to everyone, and all social justice causes should be taken up in light of it.

If we wish to strive for gender equality, then we have to acknowledge that the journey is intertwined with other goals of breaking down racism, homophobia, ableism, transphobia and more. Being a feminist means fighting for gender equality for all people. When we aim to eliminate gender-based violence, we are aiming to do so for everyone, including (if not especially) for those who suffer as a result of other forms of oppression as well.

One important step everyone can take is to understand and check privilege.

I identify as female. At the same time, I enjoy Chinese and cisgender privilege in Singapore. And so, I understand that while I can empathise with the oppression women experience due to sexism in society, my experience is limited when it comes to other forms of marginalisation. While knowing this, I hope to engage everyone in feminist dialogue and listen to them when they speak rather than speaking over them when it is beyond my experience to do so. Even with a nonabrasive personality, I try to call out insensitive remarks among my peers as much as possible. And I also hope for my peers to check me whenever I do or say anything that reinforces stigma or oppression, which helps steer my path towards understanding and changing my place in society.

This leads me to my second point on empathy.

It is difficult to fully understand certain kinds of marginalisation if we are not ourselves the victims of them. Our deepest empathy has limits. But is it the attempt to put ourselves in the shoes of others and remind ourselves of the struggles of fellow human beings which allows for a broad, intersectionalist fight for all. Contrary to some misconception, understanding intersectionality helps us be more inclusive, kind, understanding, and powerful as we tread the path towards equality.

And this empathetic effort extends to everyone, including people like Arquette. Sometimes we do need to ask whether it is productive to immediately hurl vitriol at them, or point out the effects of their words and actions in an honest, effective dialogue. The latter is possible if her heart truly comes from a well-meaning place.

As I personally find out how to best combat gender inequality and gender-based violence, I am searching for the path that is most progressive, effective, and inclusive. Showing an understanding of intersectionality and acting on it is one big step along that path.

About the Author: Lee Wan Yii is a student waiting to enter university, and is now spending her free time knitting, brushing up on her French, getting her license, learning Kapap, and writing, among other things. She enjoys good music as much as she enjoys good conversation.

 

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Gender Stereotypes We’d Like To Get Rid Of

The following quotes were collected for the unpublished We Can! magazine, now published for the We Can! blog. 

I wish people would stop thinking that guys should be really into physical ability, whether in real life or in the media. Am I supposed to feel bad because I don’t want to spend as much time in the gym as others do, or because I can’t run in circles as fast as other people? I don’t want to “be a man” and hit the weights with you!

– Alvin, 21

People (usually relatives) like to ask, “Do you have a boyfriend?” When you answer in the negative, they always give you a sceptical look, or ask again teasingly. Why can’t it be that a girl has other priorities?

– Melissa, 22

A stereotype I would like to get rid of is that guys cannot participate in so-called “feminine” activities such as dancing. I think dance is a way of expressing oneself and it should not be classified as either “male” or “female.”

– Edmil, 16

There is an expectation for women to obey the “head of the household” in the family, who is usually either her father or husband. This should change as it takes away a woman’s right to make decisions on her own.

– Wan Jing, 20

The gender stereotype that I find the most annoying is how guys are expected to be emotionally stoic and “man up” when encountering difficulties – as if having or showing emotion is a bad thing.

– John, 22

I don’t like the fact that people think I am bad at cooking just because I am a boy. My relatives expect my sister to cook and do the dishes and would prefer me to be doing odd jobs around the house, but I enjoy cooking and I’m pretty good at it!

– Anand, 20

A stereotype I wish did not exist is that women don’t have to achieve as much as their male counterparts. We start to expect less of ourselves and send the message that women don’t deserve equal support and opportunities.

– Genevieve, 22

I wanted to study Literature at university, but for some reason my friends and family accused me of being “girly” because I didn’t want to go into Maths or Engineering. I went through a hard time before finally applying for English.

– Harith, 24

I hate the misconception that women are somehow more emotional than men and that we are better at coping with sentiments like love or grief. I hate it when my feelings are dismissed because I’m a girl.

– Nehmat, 19

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For The Young Men Who Love Women

By Robert Bivouac, Change Maker

Don’t be that guy. You know, the guy who hangs around women, doing things for them, because they’re pretty and he’d like to go out with them. The guy who holds doors open, offers to do homework, always ends his texts with a “☺” or “;)” or “hahahaha lol” because that’s not nice, that’s just creepy. Doesn’t mean you can’t be nice to people; don’t be daft. Just don’t be nice to them because you want to have sex with them.

Don’t be that guy. You might’ve seen him before, the guy who doesn’t put any effort into his presentation and wonders why women don’t like him. Also, don’t be that other guy. I’m talking about that guy who goes to the gym, who drinks several different kinds of shake every day, even though he’d rather be at home or doing something else, just to look attractive to women. Look, you have every right to dress the way you want to. You can do whatever you want with your body. You can keep a neckbeard if you want to. You can get ridiculously bulked up if you want to. If you’re doing it for yourself, that’s fine. If you want to look attractive to women, that’s also fine. Nobody gets to judge you. Don’t feel like you have to look attractive, or that you ought to be attractive regardless of what you look like, though. You don’t deserve a partner, and you don’t need one. Get comfortable with your body. Do what you want to.

Don’t be that guy. As in, that guy who looks for tricks to pick women up. Yes, it’s tempting to think some dude has things figured out, that he understands women better than you do and knows how to get them to have sex with you. It’s reassuring to have something to fall back on, to blame your failure on not being skilled enough at the “game” instead of not being attractive, but when the “game” involves harassing and assaulting women it’s not something you should be training to do. Besides, women aren’t simple. Nobody’s that simple. Understand people, as a whole and as individuals.

Don’t be that guy. Like, that guy who doesn’t take no for an answer. The guy who calls at women in public places, on public transport, and gets mad when they don’t respond the way he wants them to. The guy who doesn’t want to hear “no”, and so waits until his target is too drunk, or high, to say “no”. The guy who keeps pushing until “no” becomes “yes”. Respect the “no”, and move on. Everything must be built on consent.

And lastly, don’t be that guy. Don’t be that guy who believes his main goal in life is to get into a relationship, or have sex with as many women as possible. The guy who wants a happy ending, who maybe watched too many movies as a kid and thinks his life is a fairytale, who feels like he needs to be in love or having sex. No, you don’t. Love is fun, sex is fun, but it’s not necessary. People don’t exist to be loved. They don’t exist to have sex. They just exist. That goes for you, and it goes for everyone else too. Get a hobby, find some friends.

For the young men who love women: don’t be those guys.

About the Author: Robert Bivouac is a 20-year-old writer and spoken word poet from Singapore. He enjoys Singaporean food, music and literature, and lives mostly on the internet where he pretends to be cool.

This article was edited on 23 June 2017.

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Gender Stereotypes and Sexual Violence

The following article was written by a Change Maker for the unpublished We Can! magazine, now re-published for the We Can! blog. 

stereotypes Everyone laughs at jokes about PMS, Sarong Party Girls, and gu niangs. Birthday gifts to boys – trucks, trains and soldiers – come in blue, while girls are given dolls and kitchen sets wrapped in pink. A guy raking up sexual conquests under his belt is an enviable stud, yet a girl who does the same is a cheap slut.

What does any of this have to do with violence against women?

For most part, we let these stereotypes slide as jokes or convenient ways of classifying people. Yet those who accept gender stereotypes are more likely to be the perpetrators – as well as victims – of sexual violence. Why? At the heart of these stereotypes lie messages of male superiority and entitlement, and conversely those of female inferiority and subservience.

Let’s break down some examples. Trivialising a woman’s emotions, especially anger or sadness, as “just PMS” enforces the idea that women are naturally worse at decision-making than men, and conversely, that men are always level-headed and unsentimental. Calling a man who’s physically weaker a “gu niang” or “girl” reflects how we view women as weak and incompetent, such that for a man to be seen as one is to have failed. Bad-mouthing women who enjoy male attention or aren’t ashamed of their sexuality by referring to them as “SPGs” and “sluts” means agreeing that women who have sexual relations on their own terms are airheaded or debauched. Men, on the other hand, are largely able to dictate when, where and with whom sex happens without their virtue or intelligence being called into question.

Gender stereotypes inform our (mis)conceptions of masculinity and femininity. Based on these beliefs, we come to define manhood as being dominant, macho, and sexually aggressive. We define womanhood as being cautious, modest, and gentle; women who fall short of this are “bad girls” who deserve trouble.

stereotypes2These broad and often unquestioned ideas of what makes a “man” or a “woman” – some of which we may not even be aware we hold – in turn contribute to sexual violence. A boy forces himself on a girl because he has grown up learning that “real men” are forceful and always get what they want, while women don’t really know what they want or are taught not to express it. A girl who likes to drink and dance is immediately read as promiscuous, and her behaviour is taken as consent to sexual intercourse.

It is not true that men are aggressors and women victims by default: men, too, are vulnerable to abuse. Male victims face difficulties speaking out, being believed, and finding help in large part because of the expectation that men are to be stoic and strong. Women make up the bulk of victims because as a group, they are vulnerable in the same way that certain other sections of society – such as the elderly, children, ethnic minorities, and migrants – are also more susceptible to violence and exploitation. These groups are not given as loud a voice as other, more powerful groups are. Discrimination and violence, whether individual or systemic, often come from the same roots: the strong trying to control the weak.

We are socialised into gender stereotypes, not born into them. They do not have to shape the way we treat people or ourselves. By recognising that gender stereotypes box people – including ourselves – in harmful ways, we make the first steps towards equal, violence-free relationships with the people around us.