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Sexism Is Never Okay

by Jeriel Teo

accompanying image 2One of my earliest memories of secondary school life was being sexist. If you heard the word “fag**t” being thrown around my classroom, chances were they emerged from my mouth. One of the incidents I remember was offending an entire table of girls with an offhand sexist remark and walking away pleased with myself. I remember thinking, “Girls, right?”

After two years and many apologies, I find myself sitting at a communal table at the AWARE centre. I remember nervous thoughts about girls, exams and the urgency to “become a man”. Such were the pressures of a thirteen-year-old in a boys’ school, eager to prove himself. Being 13 was to be aching to grow into a man of substance yet lacking the maturity to grow beyond the stereotypes of a man. I wasn’t particularly close to my father as he was a very aloof parent. My mother was preoccupied with responsibilities such as managing the household expenses and making sure I wasn’t slacking off at school. Thus, my idea of masculinity was almost entirely shaped by movies and I thought being a man meant:

  1.  Being muscular
  2.  Being heterosexual
  3.  Swearing
  4.  Making offhand sexist remarks

Accompanying imageThe media often portrays men as inherently sexist. It seems to send the message that men are misogynistic and can’t control their sexual impulses. Such a message is problematic as it justifies misogyny. If one were to make a sexist joke in a boys’ school, one would probably get away with a joke or two. After all, we’re guys, right? We’ve been conditioned into thinking that sexist jokes are a quintessential part of the male experience, that to be sexist is normal and excusable. Some of us know about male privilege and understand that we are complicit in patriarchal oppression. Yet no one is speaking up about male privilege or sexism in boys’ schools. By remaining silent on the issue and propping up the status quo, patriarchal oppression is justified and we shirk the responsibility for working towards change.

Patriarchy affects not just women, but men as well. It drives us to police our own behaviour. Words like “faggot” and “girl” are used as insults to enforce strict gender norms. The current superficial concept of masculinity has disappointed many. We need to reconsider the existing concept of masculinity and acknowledge our male privilege.

Jeriel imageAbout the Author: Jeriel is a Year 4 student at Raffles Institution, skilled air guitarist and full-time disappointment to his parents. He is passionate about drama and literature, and enjoys writing both fiction and nonfiction, neither of which is particularly good, though on days when his cynicism muscle is on leave, he hopes he can improve it. He believes strongly in gender equality, and that men have as much a stake in it as women. His pet peeves include writing about himself in the third person and irony. 

 

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“That’s So Gay”: A Crisis of Masculinity

by Alex Tan, Change Maker

During our brief two-week stint at AWARE, my friends and I were tasked to produce a short video on the societal construct of masculinity and the pressures it exerts on youths. We went around to different places to collect responses from male students of various secondary schools. One of our questions was “Have you ever called any of your friends ‘gay’?” Overwhelmingly, all the people surveyed said yes. We then asked what actions provoked or warranted the use of the word ‘gay’. I divided the public’s answers into three large categories.                                                 

Firstly, there were students who used the word ‘gay’ on friends whose behaviour and mannerisms were considered effeminate and unmanly. There were also students who would use the word to mean ‘homosexual’ upon seeing displays of affection or intimacy between two male friends. Then there were those who did not seem to have reflected on the true significance of the word at all, or the potential implications it might have on the people around them; they used it casually, unthinkingly.

1alexThis range of reactions simultaneously worried and angered me, stirring reflection about the deeper causes behind our careless use of the word. I realized that it had become so commonplace in my life that I had never spared it a moment’s thought. Even though I never felt the inclination myself to label other people as ‘gay’, I rarely called my friends out on it. My silence, therefore, made me equally culpable and complicit in the oppression.

The way the word ‘gay’ is hurled tactlessly as an insult at others is indicative of continuing homophobic attitudes. Nowadays, it almost seems to be interchangeable with ‘bad’ when people criticize things as being “so gay”. Its negative connotations imply that homosexuality is incorrect, somehow less valid than the norm of heterosexuality.

Also, when people use the word ‘gay’ against actions that are deemed unbecoming of a man or uncharacteristic of how a man should behave, it reveals a flawed assumption that being gay is equivalent to being un-masculine. Such a conflation of sexual orientation with gender identity is a sweeping generalisation, uninformed by logic or science.

It is even more problematic because it suggests that society’s conception of what a man “should” be is fixed and immutable, and that deviating from that standard is wrong. We end up policing our own gender identities, and stifling our diversity. It is sad that society’s gendered expectations have become so normalized that we never take a step back to see the bigger picture or think of how we have been consumed by the system.

2alexRecently I saw a scribbling that read: “Argue less about the language of oppression / argue more about the material basis of oppression / or just do something about it.” Peppering our speech with such words may seem inconsequential in comparison to the material struggles against oppression, but our world views are arguably influenced by linguistics.

In my opinion, being more aware of how our remarks could victimize others – whether intentionally or not – increases the likelihood of a shift in our thoughts and actions, which could pave the way for greater social change. Altering how we speak and, by logical extension, how we think does constitute “doing something” about oppression. A project founded on a similar basis is the “Spread the Word to End the Word” movement, which aims to end people’s use of the word “retarded”.

 4alexI write about homophobia and gay rights because it is closely linked to gender equality, which adopts inclusiveness and intersectionality. These are issues marginalised groups struggle with in the face of discrimination and oppression. As Leow Hui Min writes in her recent blog post, the support for the LGBTQIA+ movement “emerges from the recognition that it is not only cisgender and heterosexual women affected by anti-woman sexism, from the understanding that many oppressions overlap, and from the principle of solidarity that should be at work in all progressive movements.”

More relevantly, I feel that it is a crisis of masculinity and the struggle to conform to what it means to “be a man” that leads to the power imbalance and gender inequality in our society. Partly it is through establishing dominance over women – traditionally regarded as the “weaker sex” – that enables men to gain an inflated sense of identity. Violence against women, sexism and misogyny can therefore all be said to be encouraged and perpetuated by the crisis of masculinity in our society.

3alexWe often feel inadequate and paralyzed after reading about sexism, misogyny, homophobia and other forms of oppression. We imagine that our efforts will be limited and therefore ineffective. But our actions need not be measured by how wide an impact they produce, as long as we are sincere in our intentions and tactful in our execution. To quote the closing line of David Mitchell’s ‘Cloud Atlas’, one of my favourite books: “What is any ocean but a multitude of drops?”

 

 

alexblogpicAbout the Author: Alex likes many things, like Virginia Woolf, Welcome to Night Vale, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Arcade Fire, blogs that criticize what’s problematic in pop culture, articles about the tensions of postcoloniality, any form of media that subverts narrative tropes and long words (e.g. omphaloskepsis) that he probably will only ever use once in a pretentious poem that he has yet to write. Oh, and he is also a feminist. 

 

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On My Unrequited Love for India

By Kokila Annamalai, We Can! Singapore Campaign Coordinator

I just finished the book ’Shame’, which is about forced marriage, honour killings and domestic violence in the South Asian diaspora of Britain. The author is a Sikh woman from Derby who survived very brutal oppression and violence by her family and community, and has spent her life supporting and advocating for other South Asian women and girls in Britain, mostly of Pakistani origin, who’re affected by the same conditions she was in.

What struck me about the book, apart from the horrifying experiences of some women, is the author’s evident pride in her South Asian identity, though she consistently refers to the South Asian community – its culture, norms, traditions and practices – as a site of inequality, discrimination and very violent crimes against women.

Like the author, I too identify deeply with South Asia and South Asian culture, especially India. Though I was born in Singapore and have spent most of my life here, my family is from India and has always taught me that India is home. Since I can remember, we went back to India every year for annual holidays. I’ve spent three of my adult years in Tamil Nadu and had quite a few other stints in different parts of India.

I have always loved India dearly, but because of my own experiences and the overpowering narratives of violence and oppression that is the reality of many South Asian women, it is a very difficult relationship – full of contradictions, shame, confusion and even guilt. But the feeling that has been strongest since reading ‘Shame’ is a very personal kind of pain and anger. It’s the same kind of pain and anger I feel every time I read or hear someone say that India is one of the worst countries in the world for women to live, and say it as though it is the most important thing about Indian society, notwithstanding everything else that is beautiful or remarkable about the place or the people.

I get angry not because they’re wrong, overgeneralising or reductionist in their accusations, but because they’re right. I recently came across an organisation called No Country For Women, which fights against gender-based violence in India, and I was taken aback by the truth in that name. It forced me to confront the fact that the love I have for India, at least for now, is unrequited.

Because the place I love is also a place in which I feel very unsafe; because many of the films in my language are deeply misogynistic and promote rape; because when I was sixteen, I was sent away to India where my relatives pretty much kept me under house arrest for six months because I was suspected to be dating a boy in Singapore; because many of the people I worked with in rural India and adore only respect me because I cover up around them and don’t share many parts of who I am or what I believe in with them.

My own community, both here and in India, accepts dowry, tolerates domestic abuse, forces women into marriage, and some people in my family still rebuke women who dare to call their husbands by their name.

Some of the oppressive practices in South Asia have a stronger hold on diasporic communities like mine, which cling on to them as a source of comfort, security and identity in foreign lands; but for me, growing up with other influences, opportunities and identities in Singapore has allowed me to reject those practices and those who impose them on me.

A part of me has always wanted to live in India and contribute to the feminist movement there. And having met my partner there, I’ve had to consider more seriously the possibility of moving there in the next few years to live with him, but I’m finding that it’s such a difficult decision to make. Because of our families (which are conservative), communities (which are punitive), socioeconomic status (not being able to afford the luxuries of private transport makes things even more restrictive and unsafe for women), jobs and other factors, I’m fearful that we cannot live the lives we choose, and that I will be forced to give up some of the things I believe in.

But here is the reality check – these compromises and restrictions are meagre compared to the situation of many women who can’t choose to stay away, who don’t have allies, who can’t support themselves financially, whose rapes and murders don’t make it to the news – hell, they don’t even make it out of their homes – who don’t have the power to reject the oppressive conditions they are in or be heard.

This is the reality check that makes me want to go and not want to go, at the same time.

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About the author: Kokila Annamalai (pictured, left) is the campaign coordinator for We Can! End All Violence Against Women (Singapore chapter), a global movement against gender violence.

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Step In The Right Direction

By Akshita Vaidyanathan, Change Maker

“Yes, I kick like a girl, and I swim like a girl and I wake up in the morning because I am a girl and that is not something I should be ashamed of” – Always #LikeAGirl advertisement

Why is it that the phrase “Like a girl” is an insult?

The new viral advertisement by Always speaks to this negative stereotype in quite a heartfelt and touching manner. Always brought together a group of people, both male and female, and told them to do things like ‘run like a girl’, ‘fight like a girl’, or ‘throw like a girl.’ All the older participants’ portrayals, male and female alike, were comic caricatures of what they thought that phrase meant. They didn’t run nor fight like a normal girl would. Their portrayals showed something that is deeply ingrained into society – a notion that if you do anything like a girl, you are weak, and the phrase “like a girl”, as one of the participants states, is said as if “someone is trying to humiliate you.”

Gender stereotypes and insults are strongest when they are most subtle. And because “like a girl” has such a strong negative connotation, we’re inherently saying that one gender is better than the other and perpetuating gender inequality at an extremely young age.

disturbing-life-lessons-learned-from-disney-movies2135738640-jan-31-2014-1-600x400Disney movies are another good example of gender stereotypes that young children, notably young girls, are exposed to. Cinderella teaches girls that they aren’t worthy of a prince unless they look beautiful, but also have all the domestic skills a women must have. This stereotype is reinforced in Snow White, as Snow stays at home to cook and clean while the dwarves go off to do “the real work.” I wouldn’t be the first person to note how Beauty and the Beast normalizes the existence of domestic abuse and violence within relationships.

And it’s not just Disney Movies. These stereotypes are widespread throughout the media, as voiced in the 2011 documentary “Miss Representation.” This documentary, directed by Jennifer Siebel Newsom, illustrates the inaccurate representations of women in mainstream media. It discusses how media often fails to represent women in power in a favorable light, but very often represents women in a trivial, disparaging fashion. As we all know, we live in a world where media presence is so ubiquitous that this disparate portrayal of women has an extremely negative effect.

tumblr_mbcareFTtI1rfir01o1_500When a force, especially one that has as much social power as the media does, labels women with these stereotypes, they are perceived as real and can translate into real life environments. Women encounter the consequences of these stereotypes at the workplace, as they confront the glass ceiling while men glide up the glass escalator. They encounter these consequences in their own home, if they aren’t as domestic as they are “supposed to be”, or are unmarried, or don’t have children. In arguably one of the most violent ways, women encounter the consequences when they are blamed for their rape or assault because of the way they dress, or the way they act – because it wouldn’t have happened to them if they had done something differently, if they had somehow turned into the fictional women everyone sees on the media.

On the flipside, mass media has recently taken a step in the right direction. Television shows like  “Orange is the New Black,” “Orphan Black”, “American Horror Story: Coven”, “Girls,” and “Veep” reject such stereotypes of women, and have strong female leads. They aren’t beauty and romance-centric, something that is a definite change in the representation of women in the media. Although a few movies in Hollywood have strong female leads, we have yet to see this become widespread throughout the movie industry.

Website “Mic.com,” recently posted an article titled “23 Women Show Us Their Favorite Position,” using a pun on the innuendo in a much more empowering way. It shows women holding up their favorite positions on placards: reading “CEO,” “President,” “Engineer.”

Position

Of course, the Always advertisement does something very similar. In the second half of ad, we’re shown something that you don’t often see in advertising – something truthful. The younger female participants in the group are told the same things that the older participants were, but these girls don’t run comically. They run as fast as they can, they fight with grace and with strength and they throw their hardest. These young girls, run like themselves, fight like themselves, and show the strength than any girl has. As they should.

I urge you all to watch Always’ #LikeAGirl and help to rewrite what it means to be a girl.

imageAbout the Author: Akshita is currently an undergraduate student at Tufts University in Boston studying Psychology and English. She was born in India, but grew up in Singapore for most of her life and attended UWCSEA Dover. She has a keen interest for gender equality and women’s and hopes to play her part in bridging the gap in gender equality, both here in Singapore and worldwide. In her free time she loves reading, spending time with her friends, binge watching television, writing (both creatively and not), and her favourite pastime – reading curious articles and about interesting studies on the internet.  

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Step off your pedestals, men

by Vincent Pak, Change Maker

The problem with gender today is that we don’t realise there is one. We don’t notice the things we say or do: did you tell someone to “stop being a girl” or decide on a Barbie doll set for your adolescent niece just because she’s a girl? It’s true that gender equality in Singapore is more practiced than other countries around the world, but should we settle for the status quo? Sexism isn’t discernible all the time; it’s often the ignorance of our actions that perpetuate violence against women. When we are not aware of the underlying sexism that accompanies our language and actions, we unwittingly encourage it.

Feminism begins with awareness, and here’s how men can demonstrate that they care about gender equality and become better allies.

Recognise your privileges as men

UntitledAs men, we are given privileges that many women around the world are denied. We are generally physically stronger; we are linguistically favoured (e.g. ‘mankind’, ‘freshmen’); we are socially and culturally preferred (male babies are more popular in many cultures, even in Singapore); our salaries are fatter (in Singapore, women earn 77 cents for every dollar men earn); our sexual freedom is celebrated (‘stud’ vs ‘slut’); we are overrepresented in almost every institution, including politics, media, religion and business. The inexhaustible list goes on.

These privileges are often overlooked, but recognising them is the first step to realising the imbalance of power as a result of gender. Know that these privileges are awarded to us simply because we are men, and they are denied to women, simply because they are women; only then can we start to understand sexism. Denying them is akin to denying the woman’s experience, something we should seek to learn about.

Watch your language

1I’ve heard men tell me they aren’t sexist when I talk about gender issues. The same men who call other men “pussies” and tell them to “man up”. I suppose they don’t realise it, but it is no excuse that we utter and echo misogynistic language because we don’t know better. We communicate more than just words when we speak; we convey emotions and intentions that can marginalise and objectify women. Before you make an association between weakness and femininity, before you slut-shame a girl because she has numerous male friends or sexual partners, before you call someone a ‘lady doctor’ or a ‘woman lawyer’, think twice. Opt for gender-neutral language like ‘chairperson’ and ‘firefighter’, and respect women’s lived experiences, choices and liberties.

Chivalry is, in its most literal sense, medieval

It’s 2014. We are Singaporeans, not Knights of the Chauvinistic Gentlemen Order. There is no need to take it upon yourself to protect the damsel from, ironically, the harms of other men. You don’t have to bring home the bacon whilst keeping your wife at home in an attempt to take care of her. Don’t take ownership of a woman because you feel that’s your responsibility as a man. Women deserve, and have repeatedly proven, their economic and political independence. Look at Ho Ching! The next time you hold the door open for someone, do it out of goodness from your heart, not because she’s “easy on the eyes”.

Cease the censorship

10155289_10203719654859712_7225947257474577733_n We teach and expect girls to cross their legs, to hide their bra straps, to conceal their sanitary pads in a “feminine hygiene carrier”. We cringe at women who discuss their sexual habits, and police them by telling them to shave parts of their bodies to look appealing. As men, we need to ask ourselves: why do we teach girls shame for the same things that we celebrate in boys? If you believe in equality, stop imposing double standards. Realise that they can and should live without censorship, like many men do.

 

Feminism isn’t about men

3If you recall the recent #NotAllMen saga where men who felt attacked by women calling out misogyny and violence against women in society hijacked the issue and made it about them, that’s a clear example of what not to do. It really isn’t about how feminist outcries hurt men who don’t rape or mistreat women, because defending yourself in a conversation about sexism silences women. We are all part of the problem that is gender – join the discussion instead of exempting yourself while you continue to enjoy your male privilege.

These are five ways to demonstrate you believe in gender equality as men, but don’t just stop there. It is a gradual effort to eradicate sexism, and we can start by altering our daily habits as we interact with each other. There is much to unlearn, but that makes learning a whole lot easier.

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About the author: Someone once told Vincent that liking pink as a favourite colour was perfectly fine. That was enough reason for him to subscribe to feminism, because it allowed him to drink strawberry milk with confidence. Still serving his National Service, Vincent enjoys the occasional fantasy that sexism is dead in the military, but stalwartly trusts that he won’t be in denial someday. He is passionate about naps, and prefers baby blue over pink now.
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Aged 15-29? Tell YouthfulCities what you think about Singapore!

YouthfulCities is a global organization that ranks the world’s top cities from a youth perspective, amplifying the voice of 15-29 year old urban youth globally while inspiring change locally.

They’re currently running a worldwide survey to find out what youth think of their cities and voice your perspectives on what matters to you. Check out their write up below and tell them you heard it from us!

YC_faces

Our GLOBAL URBAN YOUTH SURVEY asks youth to rate what’s important to them in their city. It also gives them the opportunity to express how their city is doing in 16 categories across the LIVE, WORK, and PLAY spectrum.

This year we are launching the Survey in 62 cities worldwide in 23 languages, and are expanding our reach with the goal of 50,000 respondents by July 31st 2014!

To do so, we’re asking anyone from the ages of 15-29 to fill out the 9 minute Survey in order to voice their perspectives on what matters most to youth in cities worldwide.

We want to include more youth in the conversation. Do you have a few minutes to fill out the survey?

Click here to fill out the world’s largest urban youth survey:  http://bit.ly/ReVmO2

Also it would be very helpful if you could promote the Survey by sharing it with your friends, colleagues, professional networks, social networks, classmates and so on.

Send it out on social media, over email, and tell your friends to get involved. For filling out this year’s Survey, we will share your city’s Survey results with you after July 31st.

The Survey is now available in 16 languages and counting. Click on your language below to share your voice and fill out the Survey:

English  I  Français  I  Español  I  رسیدن  I  Português  I  polski  I  Русский  I  Tagalog  I  العربية  I  Italian  I  日本語  I  Türkçe  I  Nederlands  I  Bahasa Indonesia   I   한국의

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Women’s right to refuse

by Kokila Annamalai

On May 23, Elliot Rodger went on a killing spree in Isla Vista, California, that was motivated by the desire to punish women for rejecting him.

While many in the international community have condemned his actions, some men on social media responded with empathy for Rodger and a certain understanding of his sentiments.

A group of men went further to start a Facebook group to hero-worship Rodger.

On June 16, University of Washington student Keshav Bhide was arrested for claiming to be “the next Elliot Rodger” and threatening to murder women.

He claimed everything Rodger did was justified and publicly praised the latter’s actions. These men not only defend Rodger’s actions, but relate to his anger towards women who rejected him.

Their anger in response to sexual rejection hints at a perceived right to have sex with the women they desire and a denial of women’s right to refuse.

10462925_775293269172273_4951615495759693325_nWhile some have blamed Rodger’s mental health issues for his actions, it is clear from the support of some men and the many such stories of men’s violence in reaction to women’s sexual rejection — collected by online campaign When Women Refuse — that Rodger’s attitude towards women is not a psychological problem, but a social one.

Women around the world experience violence when they reject men’s sexual advances. Why?

A recent United Nations survey of 10,000 men in Asia and the Pacific found that nearly half of the men interviewed reported using physical or sexual violence against a female partner and nearly a quarter admitted to rape.

The most common motivation that men cited for rape was sexual entitlement — a belief that they have a right to sex with women regardless of consent. In short, women are seen as not having the right to say no to sex.

Singapore, too, has seen incidents of women being attacked for rejecting men.

Recently, a man reportedly threw alcohol and smashed a glass into the face of a woman who ignored his advances at a club in Clarke Quay.

Readers’ comments in response to news reports of the incident included those that said the victim must have been out in Clarke Quay because she was desperate for sex and that she should have “use (sic) more EQ if she intend (sic) to reject him”.

When women are raped or sexually assaulted, they are often told they should have said no more assertively or fought off the perpetrator. They are blamed for sending mixed signals or not doing enough to stop the rape.

Yet, when women are attacked for rejecting sexual advances, they are told they should have been more polite or tactful about it.

This is a clear case of “damned if you do, damned if you don’t”. These victim-blaming attitudes excuse men’s sexual violence as uncontrollable, reinforcing their sense of sexual entitlement.

Right to choose

Male sexual entitlement is perpetuated through mainstream media, where men are regularly shown responding to women’s rejection with anger and violence.

In Singapore, it is also perpetuated through the law, which gives men immunity when they force their wives to have sex, unless the couple are living apart or a Personal Protection Order has been started or obtained prior to the incident.

The masculine rhetoric of sex as conquest, rather than as an experience shared by two consenting adults, diminishes women’s right to say no.

IMG_8235When male sexual aggression is portrayed as an acceptable way of flirting or engaging in sex, rather than as harassment or violence, women are not safe when they reject men.

Sex education must focus on the importance of consent and the right of everyone to say no without fear of repercussion.

Language such as “giving in” or “putting out” in reference to women consenting to intercourse reduces their role in sex to submission, rather than active participation.

All of us have a right to choose whom we have sex with. Women’s sexual desires and choices are as important as men’s.

Fixating on Rodger’s psyche or that of the men who commit violence against women draws attention away from underlying social norms and power structures that contribute to such violence.

Men should not have to prove their masculinity by committing violence against women, while women should have the right to say no to sex without fear of repercussion.

Only then can women be equal participants in private and public life, able to exercise their choice with intimate partners or a stranger at a club.

253373_582646388436963_347306196_nAbout the author: Kokila Annamalai (pictured, left) is the campaign coordinator for We Can! End All Violence Against Women (Singapore chapter), a global movement against gender violence.

This opinion piece was first published in TODAY on 26 June 2014.

 

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Busting Rape Myths

1: Rapists are usually strangers.

In Singapore and around the world, most sexual assault is committed by someone known to the victim. Sexual assault can be committed by a date, friends, family members, intimate partners or spouses. Around the world, acquaintance rape is much more common than stranger rape, and makes up close to 80% of all rape cases1.

Rubbed Wrong Way

2: Women say “no” to sex when they actually mean “yes”.

When someone says no, always take it to mean no. Trust that they know best, and take them at face value. Only treat an active, enthusiastic “yes” as consent to sexual activity. It is better to forego sex than to potentially molest or rape someone.

3: Women often “cry rape” – i.e. make false reports of rape to seek attention, take revenge on men or because they are in denial that they consented to sex.

False allegations of rape are statistically insignificant2 and are no more common than false reports of any other crime. Rape is the most under-reported crime in the world3. Feelings of shame and self-doubt, as well as fear of stigma and not being believed, often prevent victims from coming forward. To encourage more victims to report, we must debunk this myth.

4: Someone who’s drunk can’t say no to sex, so it’s not rape to perform sexual acts on them.

Someone who is drunk can’t say yes to sex! Silence or submission is not consent. The individual must be able and willing to give informed consent to sex. Sexual activity with someone whose judgment is impaired by intoxicants, or who is unconscious, is sexual assault.

5: A woman who flirts with a man, goes back to his apartment, makes out with him or shares a bed with him cannot claim rape.

These circumstances, and others, do not excuse rape. Neither do they make rape the woman’s fault. Consent has to be explicit and sought for each stage of intimacy. It can also be withdrawn at any point. Whenever someone asks to stop, others must respect that choice. Continuing or coercing the person makes it assault. Blaming the victim because of the way she was dressed, because she has been intimate with the man before, or because she trusted and felt comfortable with the man prior to the assault, shows a denial of women’s right to choose with whom and when they have sex. It also excuses rapists and perpetuates sexual violence in society.

6: Rape happens because men can’t control their sexual urges.

Studies show that men rape because they feel a sense of sexual entitlement4. In other words, men rape because they can get away with it. Rape is a violent act that involves taking agency away from someone and exerting control over them – it is a crime of power. People of all genders have sexual urges, and they all also have the power to control them.

7: It’s only rape if the woman struggled and tried to fight it off physically. If there are no bruises or blood, it can’t be rape.

Sexual assault is not just physical coercion, but psychological coercion. In cases of psychological coercion (e.g. the victim is blackmailed or pressurised) or where the woman is afraid or unable to resist (e.g. the victim is drunk, unconscious, tired or too terrified), there is seldom physical violence or force. An assault can occur without visible evidence of force or resistance. Faced with the threat of rape, victims of assault may freeze or surrender, as they believe (and it’s often true) that this minimises harm and pain5. Submission is not  consent, and doesn’t make what happened less of a rape.

dontbethatguy

8: Sex workers or women who are very sexually active shouldn’t be taken seriously when they report rape.

Any sexual activity without consent is sexual assault, no matter who the people involved are or what their relationship is. Similarly, a person’s sexual history or experience of sex work does not mean that they cannot be assaulted. As long as they didn’t consent to that instance of sex with that person, it is rape.

9: Men cannot be sexually assaulted.

While most rapes occur against women, men can also be victims of sexual assault. Although Singapore’s Penal Code narrowly defines ‘rape’ as a crime that cannot be committed by a woman against a man, there is also the crime of ‘sexual penetration’ which carries the same penalties and criminalises non-consensual penetration of men. However, social stigma remains a serious barrier toward male victims seeking help. This isn’t helped by popular culture treating the rape of male prisoners as a joke or a perverse form of “justice”.

References:

1. Bureau of Justice Statistics. (1995). National Crime Victimization Survey.

2. Lonsway, K., Archambault, J., & Lisak, D. (2009) False Reports: Moving Beyond the Issue to Successfully Investigate and Prosecute Non-Stranger Sexual Assault. The National Center for the Prosecution of Violence Against Women.

3. Justice Department. (2008-2012). National Crime Victimization Survey.

4. Jewkes, R., Fulu, E., Roselli, T., Garcia-Moreno, C. (2013). Prevalence of and factors associated with non-partner rape perpetration: findings from the UN Multi-country Cross-sectional Study on Men and Violence in Asia and the Pacific. The Lancet Global Health.

5. Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and Recovery. Basic Books.

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Letter to my Unborn Child

A fictional letter from a fictional parent to their fictional unborn child about growing up in a gendered world. By Kokila Annamalai, We Can! Coordinator and Chelsea Jones, Change Maker.

Dear Baby,

I’m excited to meet you.

I can’t wait to read to you, to bring you to parks (will you share my fear of bees?) and to see you grow up. I can’t wait to see all the ways in which you’ll change and learn as you grow. Maybe you’ll like drawing or have a great singing voice, maybe you’ll build rockets in your room, and maybe you’ll work out IKEA diagrams better than I can. Maybe you’ll be all of this at the same time, or something completely different. I can’t wait to find out.

Want to hear something funny? Everyone wants to know if you’re a boy or a girl. They say they need to know so that they can choose an appropriate gift, and get a better sense of what to expect when you come into the world. They think your gender is a very big part of you, and of their relationship with you.

But I’m not telling them, because I don’t want to encourage their assumptions. I don’t want them to decide what you should be like, or feel a certain way about you, before you get a chance to show them.

Once you’re born, many of them will look at whether you have a penis or a vagina and come to many conclusions about you and your future. (Yes, I know it sounds crazy. And what if you don’t have the kind of penis or vagina they expect, or you have both? Some babies are born intersexed, you know.)

I’ll try to encourage them to stay open, to wait patiently and learn from you instead. I know you will teach us all many things, if we let you. I promise to be a good student, to watch closely and listen keenly. I will pay attention to your laughter and your cries, and to the twinkle in your eyes, and gather as much information as I can about your needs and preferences.

As you grow older, you will realise that people will treat you differently based on your gender. They will give you different toys, ask you different questions and (dis)allow you to do different things. Most of these people don’t mean to limit you. Many of them probably love you and want the best for you. They just think about the world a certain way, and are eager to teach you about that world.

But my love, I want to tell you that you can change the world. When people tell you what you can or cannot do, who you can or cannot be, I hope you won’t listen. Instead, listen to yourself, to your body, to your heart. Seek your happiness wherever it may be.

Dress the way you fancy, study whatever you like in school, read the books that fascinate you and do the sports and arts that excite you. Love whomever you will.

Know that you don’t have to be the same always. As you grow, you might change in unexpected ways. That’s fine. You might not want the same things anymore. That’s fine too.

I know that you will always know best. And I will stay right here, while you discover the world and yourself, all at once. I will stay, so you can come back with questions and confusions. I will stay till you find answers and clarity.

I will tell you about all the beautiful things in the world, as well as the inequality, injustice and pain in it. I will tell you stories of how people have tried to make things better, and how they continue to try, so that you know it can change. I will talk to you about my strengths and my struggles, so you know it is okay to have both. I will let you see my vulnerability, so you know you don’t have to hide yours. I will share my experiences without expecting you to follow the paths I have.

When you’re little, I will try to protect you from the people who might hurt you for the choices you make. As you get older, I will teach you to protect yourself from them. I will tell you every day that I love you in all of your selves, so that if someone tries to tell you to be different, you’ll know they’re wrong.

I will try my best to help you ignore the “shoulds” and “musts” that society is likely to impose on you.

I will share my safe spaces with you and get everyone I love involved in the work of loving you, so that you always have a community of people who validate you and affirm your choices. I will open my arms and our home to everyone you love and respect, so that this community grows bigger.

While I want you to be yourself in every way, I do have some hopes for you.

When you meet people who are different from you, I hope you will show them acceptance and respect. When you lead, I hope you will be inclusive. When you follow, I hope you will be of independent mind. When you make decisions, I hope they are honest.

When you get to know someone, I hope that you respect their boundaries and draw your own. When you form relationships, I hope they are equal. When you love, I hope it will be without shame.

When you cry, I hope it is never because someone made you feel inadequate. When you get angry, I hope it is frequently at injustice.

When you see someone getting hurt, I hope you will step in after making sure it is safe to do so. (Otherwise, call me!) When you see someone stand up for what’s right, I hope you will stand with them.

When someone in your life is abusive or oppressive, I hope you will know that it is okay to walk away.

You won’t be born into a perfect world but I hope you will always have safe spaces where you can seek comfort, understanding and recuperation.

I hope you will always be at home with yourself.

Till we meet, and with lots of love already,
Me!

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Mass masculinity: Society, stereotypes and self-identity

by Lim Wei Klinsmann, Change Maker

Ask anyone what qualities are ideal in a man, and you’re likely to get the same answer repeatedly: confident, chivalrous, muscular, intelligent, rich. Every man – regardless of his personality, preferences or culture – is expected by mainstream society to meet this ideal of masculinity.

Those who do not are often deemed inferior for their inability or unwillingness to act out this very narrow set of personal characteristics.

I have always wondered if the people who mock those who do not conform to these expectations realise how oppressive their actions are.

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My personal guess is that a very small proportion of the men in society naturally fulfils society’s requirement for “a real man”. As for the rest, the gap between who they are and who society expects them to be results in, at best, internal conflict, and at worst, being ridiculed and outcast by others.

It is no doubt difficult to endure ridicule or be ostracised for not ‘fitting in’. However, it’s equally difficult to pretend to be who we are not, everyday. Everyone makes different decisions when struggling with this dilemma, and experiences different consequences.

Personally, for me, there was a lot of controversy that I had to put up with when coming to terms this ‘masculine ideal’.

When I entered secondary school, I was a skinny, soft-spoken and shy boy who found it extremely difficult to befriend anyone. This made me a target for physical and psychological bullying. People would point out how I wasn’t as well-built as other guys, how I was not supposed to be flamboyant, and I was mocked for not “being a man”.

This constant barrage of reminders that I was not good enough made me question my own identity and left me at a loss. I felt helpless and worthless because I was only accepted by a handful of people, and ostracised by the majority.

Despite this, throughout my 4 years in secondary school, I never regretted being the way I was. While the bullying I faced in school was painful, the idea of being false to myself just so I could be like everyone else felt even worse. When I saw my other friends acting in stereotypically macho ways, it seemed clear to me that the behaviour was fake.

Even today, I still get the occasional comment about how I dress and carry myself. But I have come to embrace the fact that I am different. Yes, it would have been a lot easier to just give in and be like everyone else – I could have conformed to keeping up a stereotypical appearance of being ‘a real man’. But that would not have been me.

My hope is that people will eventually realise that there is no one ideal for what one half of the world’s population should be like, and always challenge this idea. It is to our collective benefit to work towards destroying the stereotypes that society holds over everyone’s heads, and instead, celebrate the unique, infinitely interesting things that make each individual special.

With that, I pose one final question to you:

“Who are you going to be?”