Tag: Women’s Rights

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For The Young Men Who Love Women

By Robert Bivouac, Change Maker

Don’t be that guy. You know, the guy who hangs around women, doing things for them, because they’re pretty and he’d like to go out with them. The guy who holds doors open, offers to do homework, always ends his texts with a “☺” or “;)” or “hahahaha lol” because that’s not nice, that’s just creepy. Doesn’t mean you can’t be nice to people; don’t be daft. Just don’t be nice to them because you want to have sex with them.

Don’t be that guy. You might’ve seen him before, the guy who doesn’t put any effort into his presentation and wonders why women don’t like him. Also, don’t be that other guy. I’m talking about that guy who goes to the gym, who drinks several different kinds of shake every day, even though he’d rather be at home or doing something else, just to look attractive to women. Look, you have every right to dress the way you want to. You can do whatever you want with your body. You can keep a neckbeard if you want to. You can get ridiculously bulked up if you want to. If you’re doing it for yourself, that’s fine. If you want to look attractive to women, that’s also fine. Nobody gets to judge you. Don’t feel like you have to look attractive, or that you ought to be attractive regardless of what you look like, though. You don’t deserve a partner, and you don’t need one. Get comfortable with your body. Do what you want to.

Don’t be that guy. As in, that guy who looks for tricks to pick women up. Yes, it’s tempting to think some dude has things figured out, that he understands women better than you do and knows how to get them to have sex with you. It’s reassuring to have something to fall back on, to blame your failure on not being skilled enough at the “game” instead of not being attractive, but when the “game” involves harassing and assaulting women it’s not something you should be training to do. Besides, women aren’t simple. Nobody’s that simple. Understand people, as a whole and as individuals.

Don’t be that guy. Like, that guy who doesn’t take no for an answer. The guy who calls at women in public places, on public transport, and gets mad when they don’t respond the way he wants them to. The guy who doesn’t want to hear “no”, and so waits until his target is too drunk, or high, to say “no”. The guy who keeps pushing until “no” becomes “yes”. Respect the “no”, and move on. Everything must be built on consent.

And lastly, don’t be that guy. Don’t be that guy who believes his main goal in life is to get into a relationship, or have sex with as many women as possible. The guy who wants a happy ending, who maybe watched too many movies as a kid and thinks his life is a fairytale, who feels like he needs to be in love or having sex. No, you don’t. Love is fun, sex is fun, but it’s not necessary. People don’t exist to be loved. They don’t exist to have sex. They just exist. That goes for you, and it goes for everyone else too. Get a hobby, find some friends.

For the young men who love women: don’t be those guys.

About the Author: Robert Bivouac is a 20-year-old writer and spoken word poet from Singapore. He enjoys Singaporean food, music and literature, and lives mostly on the internet where he pretends to be cool.

This article was edited on 23 June 2017.

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The scourge of cyber harassment

By Kimberly Lim, Change Maker

According to the Pew Research Center, 73% of adults had witnessed some form of cyber harassment in 2014 alone. Widespread cyber harassment has prompted individuals like Monica Lewinsky to commit themselves to ending cyber bullying. However, the issue of cyber harassment is multifaceted and women are disproportionately the victims of cyber-harassment.huffpost

1.  Stalking

Perhaps one of the most well-known forms of cyber harassment is stalking. Today, personal information like email addresses and photographs is easily accessible online. It is also possible to obtain private information illegally through hacking, as seen from the recent leak of nude celebrity photographs on the imageboard 4chan. But more than often, it is not celebrities, but ordinary people who are targeted—one of the most famous cases is that of Randi Barber in the 1990s, whose stalker revealed her home address on sex chat lines and online advertisements, putting her in danger. Such stories are no longer uncommon in today’s context, as seen from movies like “Cyber Stalker”, where protagonist Aiden Ashley’s online stalker broke into her home.

2.  Slut-shaming

know your memeIncreasingly, the proliferation of social media and the ability to hide behind anonymity have fuelled malicious attacks on individuals perceived as sexually promiscuous. In 2013, the hashtag #slanegirl was particularly infamous, as Twitter users collectively denounced a girl caught performing oral sex at a concert venue, with some even going to the extent of publishing her full name and age on online public spaces. More recently, schools in USA are facing protests after humiliating students who were perceived to be inappropriately dressed by forcing them to wear loose fitting “shame suits”. Such behavior, however, irresponsibly perpetuates the damaging outlook that victims are responsible for their own plight, while removing responsibility from perpetrators.

3.  Revenge “Porn”

The non-consensual distribution of sexual images has also become worryingly common. This usually occurs after a breakup, where intimate pictures or videos are posted as a form of retaliation. According to the Cyber Civil Rights Initiative, 1 in 10 have threatened to post explicit material implicating their former partners, while 93% of victims have undergone extreme emotional distress. Only recently have lawmakers begun to formulate specific legislation tackling revenge porn; under California’s new anti-revenge porn laws, Noe Iniguez was the first to be sentenced in December 2014.

4.  Rape Videos

telegraphThe glorification of rape has also, unfortunately, emerged as part of the culture of violence online. Underscoring the popular hashtag #Jadapose is the cruel mockery of 16 year old Jada, whose rapists posted pictures of her online. In Russia, with intolerance towards the LGBT community on the rise, videos featuring vigilantes humiliating and physically hurting homosexuals have become widespread as well.

Underscoring all forms of cyber harassment is the common theme of violence, lack of empathy and the erosion of human dignity. In Singapore, we have recently proposed new anti-harassment laws, encompassed in the Protection from Harassment Act. However, the extent to which legislation can combat entrenched anti-social behaviour remains to be fully seen. Nonetheless, we can remain optimistic that with recognition from the law that cyber harassment is undesirable, social paradigms may likewise shift in a more positive direction as well.

About the Author:

Kimberly is a recent junior college graduate. She has a fascination for history and an unhealthy obsession over fluffy things. Currently, she is enjoying her life after the A Levels and is trying her hand at felt knitting, constantly leaving traces of wool in her wake, much to the chagrin to her friends and family.

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Of boundaries, consent and respect

by Delia Toh, Change Maker

If it were up to me to design a sexuality education class for students, I’d put “respect” on my list of learning objectives. I believe that if Singaporeans aren’t having quality relationships, it’s because we’ve not been taught to respect each other.

I was from a girls’ school, and I vividly remember our teacher telling us during health education classes not to dress in revealing clothes or go out late at night, among other things. Bearing in mind that the majority of rapes are committed by someone the victim knows, this advice is ineffective. What people really need to learn about is consent and respecting another person’s boundaries.

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Here, I’ll debunk 4 myths about relationships and dating. However, instead of assuming how people of different genders are “wired” to behave, I will focus on ensuring individual respect

MYTH #1: Men are visual, women are emotional. Men give love to get sex, women give sex to get love. Men are X, women are Y. Stereotypes, stereotypes, stereotypes!

FACT: We ought to unlearn everything we’ve been taught about the “opposite” gender (and of course recognise the existence of other genders). Individuals should be recognised as people with their own desires that have nothing to do with their gender. One dangerous manifestation of these beliefs (that so many of my peers believe) is the misconception that “women only like bad boys, they don’t want nice guys”. Men like Julien Blanc (whose promotion of sexual assault as a “pick-up technique” has gotten him banned from several countries, including Singapore) believe in such harmful rhetoric, and encourage other men to dominate and abuse women to “attract” them.

MYTH #2: If a man persists in the pursuit of a woman who is not interested, she will eventually give in.

FACT: This is a dangerous variation of the assumption that “when a woman says ‘no’, she really means ‘yes’ or ‘convince me’”. The media tends to portray unwanted romantic pursuit as “sweet”, but in real life the experience can be downright scary for women as it may sometimes escalate into stalking or other potentially violent situations. We should remember that women are people with their own agency and they have a right to say no. They do not exist solely as romantic prizes to be won.

If she continuously rebuffs you, it’s a cue for you to move on. Only continue if she responds positively (i.e. gives consent).

MYTH #3: If he’s nasty to a woman, it means he likes her.

FACT: A woman has the right to be treated civilly. If someone else’s behavior is hurting her, then that someone needs to learn to express themselves in a healthy way. Insulting someone else is never “cute” and women are not obliged to feel flattered or complimented if it makes them uncomfortable. This applies to cat-calling and street harassment, too.

MYTH #4: Men are just being friendly when they harass women online and on the street. Women should not be annoyed by it.

FACT: Sometimes, the reason women are bothered by these unwanted interactions has nothing to do with the other party’s intentions, but rather how it makes them feel. I once had a guy add me on Facebook when I’d only met him once, but then he started looking through all my Facebook photos and commenting on the way I smiled and my weight, while saying I was too opinionated and that I could not swear. I don’t know what his intentions were, but I felt like he thought I existed purely for his gratification. I later blocked him. We are not obliged to give anyone our attention if we don’t want to just because we exist.

When we interact with our friends, we’re all aware of the social boundaries that we shouldn’t cross. We should also recognise these boundaries when interacting with women. We can all have better and safer relationships if we all treated each other with respect.

deliaAbout the author: Delia is a second year Chemical Engineering undergraduate at University College London. She has enjoyed blogging since her secondary school days. She would now like to move on from raving about school work to raising awareness through her writing. She strongly believes people are more different than similar, and that individuals ought to be valued for who they are inside.

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Breakthrough: WCAF 2014 – Making art, building community


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“They said… But I…” was the caption accompanying each of these photos, prompting individuals to speak up about their own stories of breaking free from stereotypes

The second We Can! Arts Fest, Breakthrough, put together by volunteer Change Makers, looked at the gender-based issues that affect youth. In celebration of diversity and an inclusive youth culture, this much-anticipated event attracted over 200 attendees. The audience, largely made up of youngsters, were treated to an array of activities including interactive installations and booths, performances put up by talented youth artists as well as a series of workshops and discussion panels. Most of the artists, panelists, performers and volunteers were youth, and this was a space for them to speak up about their experiences and have their views heard.

Taking place at Singapore Management University, the event had a casual, upbeat and positive vibe. Whether it was art, music, dance, theatre or personal sharings, every segment was thought-provoking, creative and engaging.

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One interactive installation, the Breakthrough board, was designed and built to tie in with the event’s slogan. Participants were encouraged to write media-inflicted body stereotypes they wished to break free from on balloons before throwing them against the board of nails and “bursting” the expectation, so to speak.

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Other activities at Breakthrough: T-shirt stenciling, Stepping Stones installation, Handprints Against Violence and Pretty Ugly.

Other booths at the event included T-shirt stencilling with empowering slogans like “I’m a size awesome”, a photo booth linked to our newly launched Instagram page and an installation marked with colourful handprints and individual pledges against gender-based violence. The Stepping Stones installation invited attendees to build a path to a gender-equal society through writing or drawing their ideas for positive change on pebbles and adding them to the growing collection. The University Lounge was bustling with activities and spirits were high.

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There were also performances specially produced and staged for this event by youth, including a queer feminist band from Kuala Lumpur, Shh…Diam!, an applied theatre collective, Shoes Theatre as well as dance performances by Change Makers from UWC Tampines’ campus group, Because I’m A Girl. One of the highlights was a spoken word performance by participants of Body/Language, a creative writing workshop series run by We Can! and Etiquette SG over the last few months. Another high point was the multimedia performance + installation put up by Interrobang, a group of mainly 16 year-olds who wanted to show how daily microaggressions contributed to a culture of violence. The different pieces by the youth groups explored important topics like masculinity, bullying, dating violence and slut shaming.

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Alongside art and performance, Breakthrough also saw various sharing sessions, panel discussions and workshops put together by youth. The morning workshops empowered participants to use writing to recreate their worlds in gender-equal ways. The afternoon sessions aimed to create safe spaces where young people could freely express their thoughts and views about the issues that affect them. Some of the issues discussed were body image, beauty standards and eating disorders; gender identity and sexual orientation; and the representation of women and girls in local horror stories. Participants also had the opportunity to watch local films and discuss the marginalisation of sex workers and trans* people in Singapore. In the Human Library segment, they heard from a genderqueer person about the need to rethink the gender binary, discussed misogyny in the army, listened to the experiences of young domestic workers in Singapore and took in the account of a dating violence survivor. We believe that by encouraging young people to speak up and listen to each other, we can create a more reflective, thinking, and empathetic community of youth who are sensitised to issues that affect their peers and are willing to take action for positive change.

Breakthrough was a heartwarming event that raised important issues through inviting youth to share art, build community and find solidarity in each other’s experiences and struggles.

Check out the Photo Gallery for Breakthrough here!

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Sexual Assault: Jokes and Desensitisation

by Delia Toh, Change Maker


AssaultJust a few weeks ago, popular American Youtuber Sam Pepper uploaded a video of himself pinching the bottoms of women on the streets as a prank. Most women in the video expressed discomfort, but he laughed it off and insisted it was “just a prank”. Closer to home, at a social event I attended, two men enacted a rape scene on stage in an attempt to amuse the audience. Last year, men were up in arms about Ministry of Defence’s ban of a verse about a soldier threatening to gang rape his girlfriend.

As a 22 year old woman, I can attest to the fact that the fear of sexual assault is very real. From a young age, we have been told never to dress provocatively or walk home alone at night. I am fortunate to have never experienced sexual assault, but I have heard many harrowing accounts from my friends, some of whom are victims of sexual assault. The issue of sexual assault is and will always be a part of my life – when it happens to loved ones, when women subconsciously fear for our safety, when women accept taking added precautions to prevent sexual assault as part and parcel of our daily lives.

Sexual assault is a serious matter. Rapists are most likely someone the victims know and trust. Contrary to popular belief, the rapist who leaps out of bushes to rape women passing by at 2 o’clock in the morning is the rarest kind of rapist. As such, when people make light of sexual assault among friends or on social media, it normalises the idea of sexual assault. Someone who already has the intention to violate another person will only receive further validation from these jokes.

Victims of sexual assault rarely seek the help they need because of the stigma and victim blaming they have to endure if they choose to speak out about their experiences. Without a supportive environment, they would only suffer further, especially if people, even their loved ones and peers, treat their experiences as a source of entertainment. I believe people generally refrain from joking about murder victims – it is time we extended that basic respect to victims of sexual assault.

Ultimately, a joke is not merely a joke – it can reflect dangerous attitudes. It is not about whether or not the person making the joke would act on it; it is about the kind of environment we’d like our future generations to grow up in. It is time we treated sexual assault as the grave and inhumane crime that it is.

deliaAbout the author: Delia is a second year Chemical Engineering undergraduate at University College London. She has enjoyed blogging since her secondary school days. She would now like to move on from raving about school work to raising awareness through her writing. She strongly believes people are more different than similar, and that individuals ought to be valued for who they are inside.

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The Day I Became a Change Maker

by Foo Jun Kit, Change Maker

I wasn’t sure what to expect when I signed up for the Change Maker Workshop. Prior to this, I thought violence only referred to physical and sexual abuse. I expected a lecture on the severity of rape and tips on how to deal with rape cases, but walked out of the room gaining much more than that.

My initial notions on violence against women were already proven wrong right from the start. Violence is much more than physical and sexual abuse; it includes many other aspects such emotional abuse, intimidation and economic abuse.  During the workshop, we were exposed to several scenarios, demonstrating how gender-based violence can occur all around us without us being aware. Gender-based violence could happen in a workplace, a party, or even at home! It happens everywhere, and we should be able to identify them and intervene if possible.

What struck me most was learning about victim blaming. I never knew that such an issue was so relevant to me. Victim blaming, as the name suggests, refers to wrongly shifting the blame onto a victim. This makes them feel worse about what they went through when we should be offering support and assistance to them instead. After all, they have experienced something traumatic. This idea of victim blaming may sound foreign to some, but common phrases such as “why didn’t you…” or “you could have…” are examples of victim blaming.

In fact, instead of additionally pressurising an already distressed victim, it is only right to help them by offering them options and respecting her decision. For example, support the rape victim’s decision not to seek professional advice. It is very easy for a bystander to tell her to make a police report, but we are often unable to fully comprehend the situation and the feelings of the victim. If we impose our opinions on the victim instead of helping her, it may cause her further emotional stress because our decisions may not be entirely suitable for her situation. Therefore, think twice before blaming a victim for an incident or instructing her on what action to take. Rather, talk to her and support her decisions.  This is crucial because the first person the victim consults impacts her decisions the most.

BSA_molest_FA_pathSome recent events also perpetuate violence against women, especially victim blaming. Just last year, the Singapore Police Force put up a poster addressing molestation with the tagline “Don’t get rubbed the wrong way.” This advertisement is a perfect example of victim blaming.  By instructing women to “have someone escort you home when it is late”, “avoid walking through dimly lit and secluded areas alone” and “shout for help and call 999, don’t be a silent victim”, molesters are absolved of   blame. The message seems to imply that it is the victim’s fault for getting molested because she did not protect herself well. This should not be the case. While these crime prevention posters have good intentions, they should really be targeting the molesters instead of telling victims to prevent sexual assault. That way, victims can be assured that being molested was not their fault.

Come spend a bit of your time to find out more about victim blaming and other pertinent gender-based violence issues such as rape culture and privilege.  Schedules for the monthly Change Maker workshops can be found at the We Can! Singapore website.  I assure you, your time will be very well spent!

jun kitAbout the Author: Jun Kit is a Year 4 student at Raffles Institution, although often mistaken to be primary school student due to his massive height.  He is an avid fan of football but enjoys playing badminton too. Maybe one day, he’ll represent Singapore at the World Cup and lead the country to glory.  Besides playing sports, he is also a fan of writing and has his own blog page, albeit filled with football content. But at the moment, he’s focused on his studies and is all pumped up for the upcoming O Level Higher Chinese Examinations. Right.

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Call out for We Can! Arts Fest 2014: Breakthrough

BREAKTHROUGHplaceholder This December, We Can! Arts Fest returns, this time celebrating diversity and the freedom to be you, with Breakthrough. And we want YOU to be involved!

Last year, we brought you the The Silence of Violence, with local artists, activists and survivors exploring the less visible forms of violence against women in our society. Attended by 300 members of the public, the event was an effort to use art, media and performance to interrogate and shift social attitudes that tolerate gender-based violence.

This year, with a focus on youth, Breakthrough is looking to feature young artists, performers, youth groups and students coming together to showcase their original art, share personal stories, and start critical discussions on gender stereotypes, stigma and the different forms of violence that affect youth in our society.

We want to use the powerful media of art, performance and conversation to challenge the expectations and pressures that youth face in their peer groups because of their gender, spark ideas for change and celebrate a youth culture that is inclusive, supportive and safe for everyone. Are you a young person or youth group passionate about change? Speak up, take a stand and break the box with us.

We invite your voice, your ideas and your art for this exciting event. Send in your proposals to [email protected]. If you don’t have a fully fleshed out proposal with everything figured out, that’s fine too! Just email us your rough ideas and we can work with you to develop it.

Date: 6 December 2014 (Saturday)
Time: 10am – 8pm
Venue: SMU (Singapore Management University), 81 Victoria Street
Theme: Breakthrough: Behave yourself. Shatter stereotypes.
Deadline for proposals: 10 October 2014

Want to send in a proposal? Click here to find out more about what you should include.

About We Can! Youth
We Can! Youth is the We Can! campaign’s special focus in 2014. This year, we hope to get more youth involved in taking a stand against gender-based violence in their everyday lives. We are reaching out to young Change Makers, learning from their personal experiences and starting conversations on gender stereotypes, sexual consent, rights and healthy dating relationships. Youth Change Makers are young people committed to making positive social change in their communities. Through their actions, they can help make schools, cyberspace and social events safe spaces for young people regardless of their gender or sexual expression.

About We Can! Arts Fest 2013
Missed last year’s We Can! Arts Fest? Last year, we brought together artists, activists and Change Makers to meet others who are using their voices to speak up against the less visible forms of violence. We had art installations, music performances, spoken word, film screenings, theatre and more! Read more about We Can! Arts Fest 2013: The Silence of Violence here and take a look through our photo gallery here!

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Traditional Gender Roles: A First-Hand Account

by Arvind Soundararajan

Shampoo-brand-takes-on-gender-stereotypesWhen my parents migrated to Singapore from India around 20 years ago, they were in a whole new environment. Everything was different, from the climate to the living conditions. However, one thing remained the same – the cultural norms they followed strictly. We live in a patriarchal society that views men of higher status than women. Men were the sole breadwinners and heads of the family. Meanwhile, no matter how educated the women were, they were still relegated to domestic affairs such as taking care of the house and children. This has been ingrained in our culture and our minds for generations. It has lead to many repercussions, one of which include the mistreatment and objectification of women.

I grew up hearing stories from my grandmother about the hardships she faced in pre-independence India. She felt that the hardships of being a women affected her the most during those tumultuous times. Back then, the status of Indian women was at its lowest point. My grandmother used to tell me that wives were living their lives like slaves. She couldn’t leave the house at all and was not even allowed to look out of the window; she was imprisoned in her own home. Even when she had the opportunity to leave her house, she had to wear clothes that covered her entire body to ensure no skin was exposed. This was both for her safety as well as dignity. My grandmother used to tell me of times where she would sneak out of her house just to get a breath of fresh air. Hearing these stories really impacted me deeply. I began to wonder and feel sympathetic towards the plight of women in India.

Fast forward to the time when my parents moved to Singapore, things were not as bad as they were during my grandmother’s time. However, women were still being relegated to domestic affairs only. This was the case for my mother. Even though there were many opportunities for her to go out to work and my father was completely supportive, she felt it was her duty as a woman to stay at home to take care of the children. Looking at my own mother restricted by gender norms proved to be a significant turning point in my life. Seeing that it impacts women even in the 21st century gave me an insight into how grave this situation actually was.

This form of backward thinking will lead to negative repercussions. In order for society to grow and develop, there has to be an equal treatment of both genders. Campaigns such as the We Can! Campaign have been introduced to tackle this problem. These campaigns address the harmful misconceptions that perpetuate violence. You too could become a part of this initiative by joining the We Can! Campaign as Change Maker. Every individual effort counts.

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No Excuse For Abuse

by Vincent Pak

Picture receiving an invitation card to the party of the year. You make your way there and find only one other guest with an overly-excited host. It’s a dud. You’d think to leave immediately.

Many women do not share the same sentiment when it comes to an abusive relationship. It is immensely difficult for them to do so as they have to deal with distressing emotions, fear of isolation and the lack of support and understanding from others.

Chloe was my classmate back in junior college and she had a boyfriend of two years. On top of being unfaithful, her boyfriend was abusive in multiple ways. During one incident, he locked the both of them in a car and refused to let her out until she conceded that he was correct regarding a disagreement they had. She called her mother to no avail and seriously considered reporting to the police. Chloe eventually gave up on that idea, afraid that they wouldn’t give her situation the attention it deserves. Chloe suffers silently in a dysfunctional relationship, afraid to end her relationship as she fears incurring his wrath.

AWARE conducted a survey in 2012 that showed only 2 in 10 people believe that under no circumstances should a woman remain in an abusive relationship. That also means 4 out of 5 people subscribe to the notion that violence is acceptable and tolerable in a relationship.

Assisting a victim of an abusive relationship requires you to listen with a non-judgemental ear and trust that their story is what they say it is. They are more likely to confide in a friend or a family member than to the authorities, so your encouragement and support will be significant in helping them make their own informed decisions. Both the victim and the confidante must agree that any violence in a relationship is unhealthy and cannot be condoned.

We must realise that a relationship between two people have to be based on mutual respect. Tolerating violence in any form is giving it impetus to be socially acceptable when it should not be. Being a women must no longer be synonymous with a lesser being. Let us all be a part of the fight to end all violence against women.

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About the author: Someone once told Vincent that liking pink as a favourite colour was perfectly fine. That was enough reason for him to subscribe to feminism, because it allowed him to drink strawberry milk with confidence. Still serving his National Service, Vincent enjoys the occasional fantasy that sexism is dead in the military, but stalwartly trusts that he won’t be in denial someday. He is passionate about naps, and prefers baby blue over pink now.

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On My Unrequited Love for India

By Kokila Annamalai, We Can! Singapore Campaign Coordinator

I just finished the book ’Shame’, which is about forced marriage, honour killings and domestic violence in the South Asian diaspora of Britain. The author is a Sikh woman from Derby who survived very brutal oppression and violence by her family and community, and has spent her life supporting and advocating for other South Asian women and girls in Britain, mostly of Pakistani origin, who’re affected by the same conditions she was in.

What struck me about the book, apart from the horrifying experiences of some women, is the author’s evident pride in her South Asian identity, though she consistently refers to the South Asian community – its culture, norms, traditions and practices – as a site of inequality, discrimination and very violent crimes against women.

Like the author, I too identify deeply with South Asia and South Asian culture, especially India. Though I was born in Singapore and have spent most of my life here, my family is from India and has always taught me that India is home. Since I can remember, we went back to India every year for annual holidays. I’ve spent three of my adult years in Tamil Nadu and had quite a few other stints in different parts of India.

I have always loved India dearly, but because of my own experiences and the overpowering narratives of violence and oppression that is the reality of many South Asian women, it is a very difficult relationship – full of contradictions, shame, confusion and even guilt. But the feeling that has been strongest since reading ‘Shame’ is a very personal kind of pain and anger. It’s the same kind of pain and anger I feel every time I read or hear someone say that India is one of the worst countries in the world for women to live, and say it as though it is the most important thing about Indian society, notwithstanding everything else that is beautiful or remarkable about the place or the people.

I get angry not because they’re wrong, overgeneralising or reductionist in their accusations, but because they’re right. I recently came across an organisation called No Country For Women, which fights against gender-based violence in India, and I was taken aback by the truth in that name. It forced me to confront the fact that the love I have for India, at least for now, is unrequited.

Because the place I love is also a place in which I feel very unsafe; because many of the films in my language are deeply misogynistic and promote rape; because when I was sixteen, I was sent away to India where my relatives pretty much kept me under house arrest for six months because I was suspected to be dating a boy in Singapore; because many of the people I worked with in rural India and adore only respect me because I cover up around them and don’t share many parts of who I am or what I believe in with them.

My own community, both here and in India, accepts dowry, tolerates domestic abuse, forces women into marriage, and some people in my family still rebuke women who dare to call their husbands by their name.

Some of the oppressive practices in South Asia have a stronger hold on diasporic communities like mine, which cling on to them as a source of comfort, security and identity in foreign lands; but for me, growing up with other influences, opportunities and identities in Singapore has allowed me to reject those practices and those who impose them on me.

A part of me has always wanted to live in India and contribute to the feminist movement there. And having met my partner there, I’ve had to consider more seriously the possibility of moving there in the next few years to live with him, but I’m finding that it’s such a difficult decision to make. Because of our families (which are conservative), communities (which are punitive), socioeconomic status (not being able to afford the luxuries of private transport makes things even more restrictive and unsafe for women), jobs and other factors, I’m fearful that we cannot live the lives we choose, and that I will be forced to give up some of the things I believe in.

But here is the reality check – these compromises and restrictions are meagre compared to the situation of many women who can’t choose to stay away, who don’t have allies, who can’t support themselves financially, whose rapes and murders don’t make it to the news – hell, they don’t even make it out of their homes – who don’t have the power to reject the oppressive conditions they are in or be heard.

This is the reality check that makes me want to go and not want to go, at the same time.

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About the author: Kokila Annamalai (pictured, left) is the campaign coordinator for We Can! End All Violence Against Women (Singapore chapter), a global movement against gender violence.