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Aged 15-29? Tell YouthfulCities what you think about Singapore!

YouthfulCities is a global organization that ranks the world’s top cities from a youth perspective, amplifying the voice of 15-29 year old urban youth globally while inspiring change locally.

They’re currently running a worldwide survey to find out what youth think of their cities and voice your perspectives on what matters to you. Check out their write up below and tell them you heard it from us!

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Our GLOBAL URBAN YOUTH SURVEY asks youth to rate what’s important to them in their city. It also gives them the opportunity to express how their city is doing in 16 categories across the LIVE, WORK, and PLAY spectrum.

This year we are launching the Survey in 62 cities worldwide in 23 languages, and are expanding our reach with the goal of 50,000 respondents by July 31st 2014!

To do so, we’re asking anyone from the ages of 15-29 to fill out the 9 minute Survey in order to voice their perspectives on what matters most to youth in cities worldwide.

We want to include more youth in the conversation. Do you have a few minutes to fill out the survey?

Click here to fill out the world’s largest urban youth survey:  http://bit.ly/ReVmO2

Also it would be very helpful if you could promote the Survey by sharing it with your friends, colleagues, professional networks, social networks, classmates and so on.

Send it out on social media, over email, and tell your friends to get involved. For filling out this year’s Survey, we will share your city’s Survey results with you after July 31st.

The Survey is now available in 16 languages and counting. Click on your language below to share your voice and fill out the Survey:

English  I  Français  I  Español  I  رسیدن  I  Português  I  polski  I  Русский  I  Tagalog  I  العربية  I  Italian  I  日本語  I  Türkçe  I  Nederlands  I  Bahasa Indonesia   I   한국의

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Women’s right to refuse

by Kokila Annamalai

On May 23, Elliot Rodger went on a killing spree in Isla Vista, California, that was motivated by the desire to punish women for rejecting him.

While many in the international community have condemned his actions, some men on social media responded with empathy for Rodger and a certain understanding of his sentiments.

A group of men went further to start a Facebook group to hero-worship Rodger.

On June 16, University of Washington student Keshav Bhide was arrested for claiming to be “the next Elliot Rodger” and threatening to murder women.

He claimed everything Rodger did was justified and publicly praised the latter’s actions. These men not only defend Rodger’s actions, but relate to his anger towards women who rejected him.

Their anger in response to sexual rejection hints at a perceived right to have sex with the women they desire and a denial of women’s right to refuse.

10462925_775293269172273_4951615495759693325_nWhile some have blamed Rodger’s mental health issues for his actions, it is clear from the support of some men and the many such stories of men’s violence in reaction to women’s sexual rejection — collected by online campaign When Women Refuse — that Rodger’s attitude towards women is not a psychological problem, but a social one.

Women around the world experience violence when they reject men’s sexual advances. Why?

A recent United Nations survey of 10,000 men in Asia and the Pacific found that nearly half of the men interviewed reported using physical or sexual violence against a female partner and nearly a quarter admitted to rape.

The most common motivation that men cited for rape was sexual entitlement — a belief that they have a right to sex with women regardless of consent. In short, women are seen as not having the right to say no to sex.

Singapore, too, has seen incidents of women being attacked for rejecting men.

Recently, a man reportedly threw alcohol and smashed a glass into the face of a woman who ignored his advances at a club in Clarke Quay.

Readers’ comments in response to news reports of the incident included those that said the victim must have been out in Clarke Quay because she was desperate for sex and that she should have “use (sic) more EQ if she intend (sic) to reject him”.

When women are raped or sexually assaulted, they are often told they should have said no more assertively or fought off the perpetrator. They are blamed for sending mixed signals or not doing enough to stop the rape.

Yet, when women are attacked for rejecting sexual advances, they are told they should have been more polite or tactful about it.

This is a clear case of “damned if you do, damned if you don’t”. These victim-blaming attitudes excuse men’s sexual violence as uncontrollable, reinforcing their sense of sexual entitlement.

Right to choose

Male sexual entitlement is perpetuated through mainstream media, where men are regularly shown responding to women’s rejection with anger and violence.

In Singapore, it is also perpetuated through the law, which gives men immunity when they force their wives to have sex, unless the couple are living apart or a Personal Protection Order has been started or obtained prior to the incident.

The masculine rhetoric of sex as conquest, rather than as an experience shared by two consenting adults, diminishes women’s right to say no.

IMG_8235When male sexual aggression is portrayed as an acceptable way of flirting or engaging in sex, rather than as harassment or violence, women are not safe when they reject men.

Sex education must focus on the importance of consent and the right of everyone to say no without fear of repercussion.

Language such as “giving in” or “putting out” in reference to women consenting to intercourse reduces their role in sex to submission, rather than active participation.

All of us have a right to choose whom we have sex with. Women’s sexual desires and choices are as important as men’s.

Fixating on Rodger’s psyche or that of the men who commit violence against women draws attention away from underlying social norms and power structures that contribute to such violence.

Men should not have to prove their masculinity by committing violence against women, while women should have the right to say no to sex without fear of repercussion.

Only then can women be equal participants in private and public life, able to exercise their choice with intimate partners or a stranger at a club.

253373_582646388436963_347306196_nAbout the author: Kokila Annamalai (pictured, left) is the campaign coordinator for We Can! End All Violence Against Women (Singapore chapter), a global movement against gender violence.

This opinion piece was first published in TODAY on 26 June 2014.

 

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Busting Rape Myths

1: Rapists are usually strangers.

In Singapore and around the world, most sexual assault is committed by someone known to the victim. Sexual assault can be committed by a date, friends, family members, intimate partners or spouses. Around the world, acquaintance rape is much more common than stranger rape, and makes up close to 80% of all rape cases1.

Rubbed Wrong Way

2: Women say “no” to sex when they actually mean “yes”.

When someone says no, always take it to mean no. Trust that they know best, and take them at face value. Only treat an active, enthusiastic “yes” as consent to sexual activity. It is better to forego sex than to potentially molest or rape someone.

3: Women often “cry rape” – i.e. make false reports of rape to seek attention, take revenge on men or because they are in denial that they consented to sex.

False allegations of rape are statistically insignificant2 and are no more common than false reports of any other crime. Rape is the most under-reported crime in the world3. Feelings of shame and self-doubt, as well as fear of stigma and not being believed, often prevent victims from coming forward. To encourage more victims to report, we must debunk this myth.

4: Someone who’s drunk can’t say no to sex, so it’s not rape to perform sexual acts on them.

Someone who is drunk can’t say yes to sex! Silence or submission is not consent. The individual must be able and willing to give informed consent to sex. Sexual activity with someone whose judgment is impaired by intoxicants, or who is unconscious, is sexual assault.

5: A woman who flirts with a man, goes back to his apartment, makes out with him or shares a bed with him cannot claim rape.

These circumstances, and others, do not excuse rape. Neither do they make rape the woman’s fault. Consent has to be explicit and sought for each stage of intimacy. It can also be withdrawn at any point. Whenever someone asks to stop, others must respect that choice. Continuing or coercing the person makes it assault. Blaming the victim because of the way she was dressed, because she has been intimate with the man before, or because she trusted and felt comfortable with the man prior to the assault, shows a denial of women’s right to choose with whom and when they have sex. It also excuses rapists and perpetuates sexual violence in society.

6: Rape happens because men can’t control their sexual urges.

Studies show that men rape because they feel a sense of sexual entitlement4. In other words, men rape because they can get away with it. Rape is a violent act that involves taking agency away from someone and exerting control over them – it is a crime of power. People of all genders have sexual urges, and they all also have the power to control them.

7: It’s only rape if the woman struggled and tried to fight it off physically. If there are no bruises or blood, it can’t be rape.

Sexual assault is not just physical coercion, but psychological coercion. In cases of psychological coercion (e.g. the victim is blackmailed or pressurised) or where the woman is afraid or unable to resist (e.g. the victim is drunk, unconscious, tired or too terrified), there is seldom physical violence or force. An assault can occur without visible evidence of force or resistance. Faced with the threat of rape, victims of assault may freeze or surrender, as they believe (and it’s often true) that this minimises harm and pain5. Submission is not  consent, and doesn’t make what happened less of a rape.

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8: Sex workers or women who are very sexually active shouldn’t be taken seriously when they report rape.

Any sexual activity without consent is sexual assault, no matter who the people involved are or what their relationship is. Similarly, a person’s sexual history or experience of sex work does not mean that they cannot be assaulted. As long as they didn’t consent to that instance of sex with that person, it is rape.

9: Men cannot be sexually assaulted.

While most rapes occur against women, men can also be victims of sexual assault. Although Singapore’s Penal Code narrowly defines ‘rape’ as a crime that cannot be committed by a woman against a man, there is also the crime of ‘sexual penetration’ which carries the same penalties and criminalises non-consensual penetration of men. However, social stigma remains a serious barrier toward male victims seeking help. This isn’t helped by popular culture treating the rape of male prisoners as a joke or a perverse form of “justice”.

References:

1. Bureau of Justice Statistics. (1995). National Crime Victimization Survey.

2. Lonsway, K., Archambault, J., & Lisak, D. (2009) False Reports: Moving Beyond the Issue to Successfully Investigate and Prosecute Non-Stranger Sexual Assault. The National Center for the Prosecution of Violence Against Women.

3. Justice Department. (2008-2012). National Crime Victimization Survey.

4. Jewkes, R., Fulu, E., Roselli, T., Garcia-Moreno, C. (2013). Prevalence of and factors associated with non-partner rape perpetration: findings from the UN Multi-country Cross-sectional Study on Men and Violence in Asia and the Pacific. The Lancet Global Health.

5. Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and Recovery. Basic Books.

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A Parent Making Change

The We Can! team spoke to Norliza Hamidon, a passionate Change Maker and parent to 13 year-old Irfan, on her approach to parenting and engaging her son on gender issues.
By Ashley Tan.

As children grow up in a heavily gendered world, it seems almost unavoidable that their perception of body and self be constantly skewed with unrealistic and unhealthy ideals normalized in popular media. From early on, children are exposed to gender roles, norms and the unequal power men and women have in society. From the toys and clothes that many children are given, to the playmates and extracurricular activities their parents choose for them, children are put in a certain mould based on their assigned gender at birth.

10403930_775856025778020_4532904083281234053_oParenting has one of the most powerful roles to play in the ideas children develop about themselves and the world around them. Conscious, gender-neutral parenting can help children reject damaging notions about gender and instead explore their own individuality. Actively teaching gender equality to children from a young age, demonstrating equal relationships and educating them on gender diversity and consent can go a long way in shaping children’s perspectives.

Creating a safe space at home where they can ask questions about their body or discuss the messages they come across in the media or outside of the home can also help children form healthy attitudes about gender and become agents of change.

The We Can! team spoke to Norliza Hamidon, a passionate Change Maker and parent to 13 year-old Irfan, on her approach to parenting and engaging her son on gender issues.

“I share with him articles about discrimination faced by women and lead conversations about different gender issues,” she says.

She reminds him particularly of the importance of respecting girls and women, as she is concerned about the prevalent notions of masculinity that teach aggression and trivialise women’s roles and voices.

Norliza thinks parenting can play a crucial role in reducing bullying and overcoming gender stereotypes.

“If adult role models display positive attitudes and actions, such socially-aware behaviour will naturally translate to youth and children,” she says.

Her son, Irfan, 13, recently attended a Youth Change Maker workshop upon his mother’s encouragement. He contributed to our conversation and showed a sensitivity to gender issues and violence that surprised us, for a boy his age.

“Boys don’t always need to be masculine and ‘tough’. Muscles only show that you are physically strong but you might not be mentally or emotionally strong. Boys can also do housework and roles should not be decided by gender.”

Gender divisions and the disproportionate violence that women and girls face are glaring to Irfan. Still, he has hopes for his generation, and suggests that learning about harmful attitudes early can help eliminate the gender gap.

We were inspired by Norliza’s efforts to show Irfan he can make a difference. She encourages Irfan to stand up for his friends who might be bullied in school and calls him out when he exhibits discriminatory attitudes. She asserts that “it is better to stand up for what is right than be silent.”

Norliza recounts a time when she was disappointed in Irfan for refusing to include a particular girl in his circle of friends because she was “fat”. Through talking about it openly, she managed to get him to see how such behaviour was unfair and hurtful. She probed him to be more accepting of people’s differences, whether in appearance or otherwise.

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Norliza notes that it is challenging to ensure children develop healthy, inclusive and gender-equal views because of the many competing influences in society, many of which work to reinforce sexist attitudes and behaviours.

When asked what she would like to see in society, Norliza envisions “a society of men and women respecting each other, working with each other, having equal opportunities, roles and incomes; a violence-free society”.

Norliza and Irfan have each other on their journey towards eliminating prejudice and violence in their own lives and influencing others around them to do the same. They choose to have honest conversations about change rather accepting things as they are.

We hope that sharing their story will encourage other parents and families to think about everyday actions they can take to promote gender equality in the home and outside of it.

If you would like to share your story with us, write to [email protected].

A big thank you to Norliza and Irfan for taking the time to talk to us!

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Letter to my Unborn Child

A fictional letter from a fictional parent to their fictional unborn child about growing up in a gendered world. By Kokila Annamalai, We Can! Coordinator and Chelsea Jones, Change Maker.

Dear Baby,

I’m excited to meet you.

I can’t wait to read to you, to bring you to parks (will you share my fear of bees?) and to see you grow up. I can’t wait to see all the ways in which you’ll change and learn as you grow. Maybe you’ll like drawing or have a great singing voice, maybe you’ll build rockets in your room, and maybe you’ll work out IKEA diagrams better than I can. Maybe you’ll be all of this at the same time, or something completely different. I can’t wait to find out.

Want to hear something funny? Everyone wants to know if you’re a boy or a girl. They say they need to know so that they can choose an appropriate gift, and get a better sense of what to expect when you come into the world. They think your gender is a very big part of you, and of their relationship with you.

But I’m not telling them, because I don’t want to encourage their assumptions. I don’t want them to decide what you should be like, or feel a certain way about you, before you get a chance to show them.

Once you’re born, many of them will look at whether you have a penis or a vagina and come to many conclusions about you and your future. (Yes, I know it sounds crazy. And what if you don’t have the kind of penis or vagina they expect, or you have both? Some babies are born intersexed, you know.)

I’ll try to encourage them to stay open, to wait patiently and learn from you instead. I know you will teach us all many things, if we let you. I promise to be a good student, to watch closely and listen keenly. I will pay attention to your laughter and your cries, and to the twinkle in your eyes, and gather as much information as I can about your needs and preferences.

As you grow older, you will realise that people will treat you differently based on your gender. They will give you different toys, ask you different questions and (dis)allow you to do different things. Most of these people don’t mean to limit you. Many of them probably love you and want the best for you. They just think about the world a certain way, and are eager to teach you about that world.

But my love, I want to tell you that you can change the world. When people tell you what you can or cannot do, who you can or cannot be, I hope you won’t listen. Instead, listen to yourself, to your body, to your heart. Seek your happiness wherever it may be.

Dress the way you fancy, study whatever you like in school, read the books that fascinate you and do the sports and arts that excite you. Love whomever you will.

Know that you don’t have to be the same always. As you grow, you might change in unexpected ways. That’s fine. You might not want the same things anymore. That’s fine too.

I know that you will always know best. And I will stay right here, while you discover the world and yourself, all at once. I will stay, so you can come back with questions and confusions. I will stay till you find answers and clarity.

I will tell you about all the beautiful things in the world, as well as the inequality, injustice and pain in it. I will tell you stories of how people have tried to make things better, and how they continue to try, so that you know it can change. I will talk to you about my strengths and my struggles, so you know it is okay to have both. I will let you see my vulnerability, so you know you don’t have to hide yours. I will share my experiences without expecting you to follow the paths I have.

When you’re little, I will try to protect you from the people who might hurt you for the choices you make. As you get older, I will teach you to protect yourself from them. I will tell you every day that I love you in all of your selves, so that if someone tries to tell you to be different, you’ll know they’re wrong.

I will try my best to help you ignore the “shoulds” and “musts” that society is likely to impose on you.

I will share my safe spaces with you and get everyone I love involved in the work of loving you, so that you always have a community of people who validate you and affirm your choices. I will open my arms and our home to everyone you love and respect, so that this community grows bigger.

While I want you to be yourself in every way, I do have some hopes for you.

When you meet people who are different from you, I hope you will show them acceptance and respect. When you lead, I hope you will be inclusive. When you follow, I hope you will be of independent mind. When you make decisions, I hope they are honest.

When you get to know someone, I hope that you respect their boundaries and draw your own. When you form relationships, I hope they are equal. When you love, I hope it will be without shame.

When you cry, I hope it is never because someone made you feel inadequate. When you get angry, I hope it is frequently at injustice.

When you see someone getting hurt, I hope you will step in after making sure it is safe to do so. (Otherwise, call me!) When you see someone stand up for what’s right, I hope you will stand with them.

When someone in your life is abusive or oppressive, I hope you will know that it is okay to walk away.

You won’t be born into a perfect world but I hope you will always have safe spaces where you can seek comfort, understanding and recuperation.

I hope you will always be at home with yourself.

Till we meet, and with lots of love already,
Me!

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Mass masculinity: Society, stereotypes and self-identity

by Lim Wei Klinsmann, Change Maker

Ask anyone what qualities are ideal in a man, and you’re likely to get the same answer repeatedly: confident, chivalrous, muscular, intelligent, rich. Every man – regardless of his personality, preferences or culture – is expected by mainstream society to meet this ideal of masculinity.

Those who do not are often deemed inferior for their inability or unwillingness to act out this very narrow set of personal characteristics.

I have always wondered if the people who mock those who do not conform to these expectations realise how oppressive their actions are.

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My personal guess is that a very small proportion of the men in society naturally fulfils society’s requirement for “a real man”. As for the rest, the gap between who they are and who society expects them to be results in, at best, internal conflict, and at worst, being ridiculed and outcast by others.

It is no doubt difficult to endure ridicule or be ostracised for not ‘fitting in’. However, it’s equally difficult to pretend to be who we are not, everyday. Everyone makes different decisions when struggling with this dilemma, and experiences different consequences.

Personally, for me, there was a lot of controversy that I had to put up with when coming to terms this ‘masculine ideal’.

When I entered secondary school, I was a skinny, soft-spoken and shy boy who found it extremely difficult to befriend anyone. This made me a target for physical and psychological bullying. People would point out how I wasn’t as well-built as other guys, how I was not supposed to be flamboyant, and I was mocked for not “being a man”.

This constant barrage of reminders that I was not good enough made me question my own identity and left me at a loss. I felt helpless and worthless because I was only accepted by a handful of people, and ostracised by the majority.

Despite this, throughout my 4 years in secondary school, I never regretted being the way I was. While the bullying I faced in school was painful, the idea of being false to myself just so I could be like everyone else felt even worse. When I saw my other friends acting in stereotypically macho ways, it seemed clear to me that the behaviour was fake.

Even today, I still get the occasional comment about how I dress and carry myself. But I have come to embrace the fact that I am different. Yes, it would have been a lot easier to just give in and be like everyone else – I could have conformed to keeping up a stereotypical appearance of being ‘a real man’. But that would not have been me.

My hope is that people will eventually realise that there is no one ideal for what one half of the world’s population should be like, and always challenge this idea. It is to our collective benefit to work towards destroying the stereotypes that society holds over everyone’s heads, and instead, celebrate the unique, infinitely interesting things that make each individual special.

With that, I pose one final question to you:

“Who are you going to be?”

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The Boys’ Club

by Visakan Veerasamy

I had a few buddies in NS whom I used to smoke with. They were decent, likeable guys, a mix of people from all over the place brought together by compulsory conscription. As our time in the army drew to a close, some of the guys decided we all ought to go clubbing together to celebrate. I’d always preferred kopitiams to clubs, but I decided to give it a shot anyway.

“Eh, make sure you bring girls ah!”

“Yeah, sure thing man!”

I said I would, but I didn’t. Why? At the time, I explained it away by telling myself that bringing friends along would “complicate” things unnecessarily.

Now that I think about it, it’s obvious that I didn’t want to introduce any of my female friends to my army buddies – at a subconscious level, I didn’t feel like I could trust the boys to treat my friends with respect. I instinctively knew that these two different worlds I inhabited couldn’t be allowed to collide. It could get ugly if they did.

When I met up with my friends on the evening of our clubbing plans, everyone was already drunk; they weren’t even in the club yet! They’d bought cheap drinks from elsewhere and had commenced getting plastered while playing drinking games on public benches. There were playing cards everywhere, soaked in beer and liquor.

My friends were with other people I didn’t recognise, who all looked really, really young. I received lots of hugs from drunken strangers who could barely stand straight. The girls – I later learned they were still in Junior College – wore heavy make-up to pass the bouncers’ scrutiny, and looked visibly uncomfortable in their heels, tugging awkwardly at their mini dresses. They coughed as they smoked.

And then something happened that I will remember forever. One of my buddies gave me a sleazy smile and wink, a gesture that told me he thought of these girls as prey – and that he expected me to participate in this ploy too. “Eh, look what I just snagged,” he seemed to be saying. “Not bad, ah?” He kept pushing drinks into the girls’ hands, with insistent encouragement for them to keep drinking, cheering and laughing.

One of them said she had a boyfriend. My buddy put his arm was around her waist. Was she uncomfortable? Probably, but I couldn’t be sure. In the haze of alcohol, smoke and peer pressure, nobody really knew what was going on.

I didn’t know how to deal with the uncomfortable situation back then – what were the rules of engagement for when your friends were plying girls who were too young to drink with alcohol, and it was clear they did not have good intentions? The girls were complaining about how Project Work was silly and pointless. I joked about how it was just preparing them for the working world, which was going to be more of the same. My buddy’s solution to their complaints? “Drink more!”

So I did. I joined in. If I drank my share, I reasoned to myself, everybody would get that much less drunk. Truthfully, though, I really just didn’t want to be sober in a difficult situation that was making me so uncomfortable.

I wish this story had a clear black-and-white ending, but it doesn’t. I got increasingly uncomfortable and ended up breaking away from the group to find myself a spot on the dance floor, where I tried to let the music drown out my thoughts. This was supposed to be a happy, fun experience. It wasn’t for me. And I’m pretty sure it wasn’t for the girls I had just met. I think everybody went home separately that night, some of them crying and vomiting, all of them broke, but, thankfully, otherwise unharmed.

I’m glad for my story’s anticlimactic ending. The same scenario could have had so many alternative endings, which occur every day. Painting my friend as a single-minded lecherous rapist-in-waiting would be a gross misrepresentation. It was not, and rarely is, that clear-cut. I didn’t intervene that day because it didn’t seem like things were that bad. If the girls were truly upset or uncomfortable, surely they’d have said something, right? Just because my friend winked at me and put his arm around a girls’ waist didn’t mean anything, did it?

I know better now. Those young girls wouldn’t have said anything. And even if they had, they probably would’ve been mocked or ridiculed, told that they were being “sensitive” or “spoilsports”. If the guys had tried to take advantage of them, I can’t help but feel that things would have gone badly if nobody else said anything. If I didn’t say anything. All it takes for evil to triumph is for good to do nothing.

If I ever find myself in a situation like this again, I will do exactly what I should have done that day: taken them aside and asked them directly if they were okay. Or taken my friend aside and told him that what he was doing was not cool. I could have even found an alternate activity to disrupt the uncomfortable situation.

All of this was years ago. Since then, I’ve learnt that so much of sexual assault happens in the grey areas between yes and no, between fear and uncertainty, when no one – especially people who are indirectly implicated – really knows what to do or what’s going on.

I’ve learnt that it’s not something that happens to strangers. Some people really close to me have been raped or sexually harassed. And more importantly, I’ve since reached a painful realisation: I am a part of this problem. Because those who are raped are not strangers to me, but neither are those who rape. The rapists and sexual abusers aren’t monsters who emerge from the sewers, pathologically afflicted and lacking a conscience. They’re ordinary folk who live among us. We serve NS alongside them. We smoke cigarettes with them. And when we laugh at lines such as “kill the man, rape my girlfriend,” we make them feel more comfortable about treating others with disrespect.

So, no. It’s not cool, it’s not funny, and it’s definitely not okay.

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I SURVIVED VIOLENCE

Rachel Chung is a We Can! Change Maker, volunteer and spokesperson. Rachel speaks publicly about her experience to show support to victims and challenge the social attitudes that silence them. by Rachel Chung, Change Maker

Rachel

At first it was verbal: insults, accusations, mockery. After our first child was born, he sniped at me about my weight gain. When I said he was insensitive, he retaliated with a vicious barrage of Hokkien vulgarities.

This continued whenever I “stepped out of line”. I downplayed it at first. But when his verbal admonishments were not keeping me “in rein”, he started shoving me. It got worse – slapping, punching – especially when I earned more than he did. The abuse eventually got so bad that I ended up in the hospital.

Turning to Family

My in-laws were very traditional. They saw the husband as head of the household. My ex mother-in-law advised me to “not answer back”. His siblings also chose to ignore the “embarrassment”. At a family dinner they ignored my bruises,and instead talked about their business and recent holiday to London.

My family encouraged me to divorce him, but they did not offer to let my children and I move in with them. Without that assurance, I felt so insecure, like I was left all alone to fend for my children and myself.

“But Think of the Children!”

Many pressures bind women to violent relationships. Her partner might manipulate her into thinking she is inadequate and worthless; without support from family, friends and society, it is difficult to find the confidence to leave.

Financially, leaving can have serious consequences on the victim and her family, especially if her partner controls her finances or jeopardises her employment. Moreover, the stigma of being a divorcee remains strong in our society.

I faced some of this. Some church members felt I should stay “as long as the kids are not touched”. This made me feel ignored and dehumanised. It wasn’t in the children’s best interests either. What about the trauma it caused them to witness violence at home, or the risk to their safety? The breaking point came one night when my daughter, awakened by the noise of our fighting, came to my defence. He shoved her away. I fought back, and later filed for divorce.

Leaving: New Battles and New Beginnings

The damage to my morale and self-worth from the emotional abuse I had endured was no less harmful than the physical injuries. Violence isn’t always visible. It isn’t always black and blue. We need to recognise and reject all forms of violence around us.

Some women feel ashamed. I’ve been through it. “Was I abused because I wasn’t good enough as a woman or a wife?” Gender biases in families and society perpetuate these beliefs, and we internalise them. We feel like we somehow, “asked for it.”

But it is not our fault. We did not bring this upon ourselves, and I refuse to feel guilty or embarrassed. I want to get this message to abused women out there: it is not your fault and you should not be ashamed in any way.

 More resources on seeking help can be found here.

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Sex ed: Not just about the mechanics, but relationships and consent

by Catharina Borchgrevink, Change Maker

Talking about sex can be uncomfortable and awkward. Some individuals find it perfectly normal to discuss sex at the dinner table, but many still think of the topic as sensitive, and are not confident talking about it with friends or families. While respecting that attitudes regarding sex differ greatly within religions, families, communities and societies, we have to recognize that children need education about sex, no matter what culture they are from.

Sexual education does not merely concern itself with anatomy and factual information about what happens during sexual acts. It can, and should, cover social issues such as healthy relationships, the importance of consent and respecting one’s partner. A pre-emptive introduction to these issues, preferably before they have their first sexual encounter, will probably make it easier for youths to make informed decisions later on.

Sooner or later, children grow up and discover sex. Children are curious, and ask questions like ‘Where do babies come from?’, or ‘Why are everyone else’s bodies changing, and not mine?’ It is unavoidable as a parent to talk about human nature with their kids, and you come across all kinds of questions related to growing up. If their curiosity is dismissed by their parents or other authority figures, they will seek answers elsewhere—from their friends, older students or online. In an age where kids get iPads before they can walk, it is inevitable that they begin exploring resources online. This is where the ease of obtaining information today can become a danger. Although plenty of good online resources about sex abound, there are countless others providing misleading, or just plain incorrect, information. It can be difficult even for adults to distinguish between reliable and untrustworthy content online—what more youths who may be far less discerning?

In addition to the wealth of (mis)information available, there appear to be many “grey areas” surrounding sex. One of these issues is the concept of consent. When someone is sleeping, intoxicated or not able to say yes or no, it is not sex but rape or sexual assault. If the person does not enthusiastically say yes, it always equates a no. Surveys conducted with Singaporeans, as well as worldwide rape statistics, tell us that there too many people who are inclined to ignore consent. If, from a young age, it is taught that sex needs to be consensual, all the time, every time, and with anyone, youths may be better prepared when it comes to either asking for or giving consent. If youths learn about consent before they start having sex, we can hopefully reduce the number of sexual assaults due to people not understanding that rape constitutes any sex where someone is unwilling to engage in the act.

Perhaps the most-often cited example of misleading sexual information is online pornography. If the majority of pornographic images and concepts are a teenager’s first encounter with sex, they are going to be both surprised and perhaps disappointed when they experience sex for themselves. A lot of pornography gives the impression that male pleasure comes first, often by imposing sexual actions on a woman who does not seem to be enjoying herself. This can lead to unrealistic, and unhealthy, sexual attitudes on both sides. Boys may expect sex to be oriented towards male pleasure, whilst girls may feel pressured to perform sexual acts they do not want. If we inform our youth about sex—not just about the physical mechanisms of sexual intercourse, but about their rights and how to respect others, then perhaps we can stop perpetuating unpleasant experiences and sexual myths.

Sexuality programmes should incorporate healthy attitudes, instead of just biological facts.

Sexual education should even overturn toxic attitudes and language used to refer to sex. Media and pop culture portrayals of men and women who have sex show them in very different lights. Whilst males gain respect from their peers for having sex, and are praised for ‘getting some’, a girl who participates in the same acts faces social backlash. These double standards and gender stereotypes are reproduced over and over again as youths continue to learn these attitudes from older individuals and the media. Sex is frequently discussed as something that is given or taken. ‘I took her virginity’, or ‘I popped her cherry’, are well known phrases that give the impression that girls give sex and boys take sex. When we talk to children about these misconceptions, we provide them with a better understanding of what sex should be like—something that everyone involved in is interested in doing and that there is nothing shameful about it—regardless of gender.

It’s one thing to know about ‘the birds and the bees’; it’s quite another to understand how to say yes or no to a sexual request, or discuss what you want out of a relationship. Adults have difficulty enough maintaining healthy and communicative relationships—children shouldn’t have to navigate these pitfalls with the added complication of inadequate sexual education. Early sex education, hopefully before sex happens, will hopefully better equip our youth to be discerning, respectful, and well-informed in matters concerning sex and relationships.

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Oppressed Majority

In Majorite Opprimee's alternate reality, the protagonist faces gender-based aggression in all aspects of his everyday life.

by Marylyn Tan, Change Maker

What happens when the patriarchy is turned on its head? Watched the French film, Majorité Opprimée (Oppressed Majority), and you’ll get a glimpse of it. The ten-minute film went viral earlier this year, despite having come out a few years before—perhaps because feminist issues are becoming ever more relevant, especially in Europe, where abortion rights and laws regarding homosexuality have ‘taken a turn for the worse’, according to the film’s creator, Eleonore Pourriat. Majorité Opprimée may have inspired the recent slew—good or bad—of gender role reversals in the media, such as that horrendously sexist Veet advertising campaign which exhorts women not to ‘risk dudeness’.

More encouragingly, however, the role-reversal trend has also been used to illustrate the problems with the way women are portrayed in audio-visual media—such as in the photoset, ‘seDUCATIve vs. MANigale’, in which one motorcycle company parodies another’s traditional ‘model in sexually-provocative poses with equally attractive vehicle’ ad campaign by replacing the women with men. Even Jennifer Lopez’s latest single, I Luh Ya Papi, explicitly lashes out against exploitative differences in marketing male and female artistes in the music industry. What I find so powerful about Majorité Opprimée, however, is the incisive, stark fashion in which little everyday instances of gender violence are depicted.

The film isn’t meant to be wholly realistic—most films aren’t—but it does set its sights on portraying a wide slew of behaviours (all within ten minutes!) that both men and women engage in that foster a narrative of violence in everyday interactions. Unknowingly, unconsciously, we have all probably been party to reinforcing sexist attitudes at some point. The film is set in an unnamed French town where it is almost immediately—though subtly—established that the women are in charge. This is a vision of a matriarchal society, and our protagonist, Pierre, illustrates this most starkly in his interactions with the women of his everyday life.  Again, it’s the microaggressions in a sexist society that the film highlights, such as being stared at on the streets in unison by a trio of women, and unprovoked—unwanted—comments on one’s appearance such as ‘how lucky you are to have such a cute daddy!’

The assertion of matriarchy is even more subtle when the women aren’t actually interacting with the protagonist. An implied balance of power is shown by issues ingrained far more deeply into this society, such as women jogging bare-chested in public, a wife’s control and restriction over what her husband can wear or must cover up, and how most, if not all, positions in authority are depicted as being held by females. In Majorité Opprimée, the men make the coffee, have to be picked up by their wives, and are told that their ‘outfits are cute’ on them. In this hypothetical matriarchy, the men have their social status constantly, and casually, belittled, such as when the protagonist’s landlady smiles dismissively and says, ‘I should really be talking to your wife.’

Majorité Opprimée, illustrates the vast range of aggressions directed at women on a daily basis (most of which aren’t even recognised as violence, but as an accepted gender dynamic). Pierre, then, might represent women as a whole, who are every day catcalled, dismissed, and assaulted all over the world. One of the film’s strongest points is its illustration of street harassment, an issue which repeatedly surfaces in today’s discussions of gender violence. To anyone who’s ever experienced any form of harassment in public—and, hopefully, to some who have not—the scenarios painted are all too real. Often, women are told that it’s not such a big deal, and even that it’s to be expected. After all, how debilitating can a single whistle by the roadside be? One catcalling comment on your appearance? A honk as a driver speeds by? These are, unfortunately, seen as unpleasant, but normal, by some people. As one of the women in the film threatens to give chase as Pierre hastens away from a junction where she’s been catcalling him, the fear for one’s own safety caused by ‘expected’ interactions is apparent. It is, to say the least, quite intolerable when one faces aggression and fear as a regular feature of daily life.

What makes Majorité Opprimée so important is the fact that violence is everywhere in popular culture, and everyday social interactions, and in various insidious ways that people who don’t usually experience it have a hard time understanding. The film takes these instances of violence and forces us to re-evaluate our understanding of what we consider ‘normal’ behaviour. Watch it. Make the people around you watch it. Perhaps some the manifold violences written into the scripts of our everyday lives will stop going unnoticed.