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Step off your pedestals, men

by Vincent Pak, Change Maker

The problem with gender today is that we don’t realise there is one. We don’t notice the things we say or do: did you tell someone to “stop being a girl” or decide on a Barbie doll set for your adolescent niece just because she’s a girl? It’s true that gender equality in Singapore is more practiced than other countries around the world, but should we settle for the status quo? Sexism isn’t discernible all the time; it’s often the ignorance of our actions that perpetuate violence against women. When we are not aware of the underlying sexism that accompanies our language and actions, we unwittingly encourage it.

Feminism begins with awareness, and here’s how men can demonstrate that they care about gender equality and become better allies.

Recognise your privileges as men

UntitledAs men, we are given privileges that many women around the world are denied. We are generally physically stronger; we are linguistically favoured (e.g. ‘mankind’, ‘freshmen’); we are socially and culturally preferred (male babies are more popular in many cultures, even in Singapore); our salaries are fatter (in Singapore, women earn 77 cents for every dollar men earn); our sexual freedom is celebrated (‘stud’ vs ‘slut’); we are overrepresented in almost every institution, including politics, media, religion and business. The inexhaustible list goes on.

These privileges are often overlooked, but recognising them is the first step to realising the imbalance of power as a result of gender. Know that these privileges are awarded to us simply because we are men, and they are denied to women, simply because they are women; only then can we start to understand sexism. Denying them is akin to denying the woman’s experience, something we should seek to learn about.

Watch your language

1I’ve heard men tell me they aren’t sexist when I talk about gender issues. The same men who call other men “pussies” and tell them to “man up”. I suppose they don’t realise it, but it is no excuse that we utter and echo misogynistic language because we don’t know better. We communicate more than just words when we speak; we convey emotions and intentions that can marginalise and objectify women. Before you make an association between weakness and femininity, before you slut-shame a girl because she has numerous male friends or sexual partners, before you call someone a ‘lady doctor’ or a ‘woman lawyer’, think twice. Opt for gender-neutral language like ‘chairperson’ and ‘firefighter’, and respect women’s lived experiences, choices and liberties.

Chivalry is, in its most literal sense, medieval

It’s 2014. We are Singaporeans, not Knights of the Chauvinistic Gentlemen Order. There is no need to take it upon yourself to protect the damsel from, ironically, the harms of other men. You don’t have to bring home the bacon whilst keeping your wife at home in an attempt to take care of her. Don’t take ownership of a woman because you feel that’s your responsibility as a man. Women deserve, and have repeatedly proven, their economic and political independence. Look at Ho Ching! The next time you hold the door open for someone, do it out of goodness from your heart, not because she’s “easy on the eyes”.

Cease the censorship

10155289_10203719654859712_7225947257474577733_n We teach and expect girls to cross their legs, to hide their bra straps, to conceal their sanitary pads in a “feminine hygiene carrier”. We cringe at women who discuss their sexual habits, and police them by telling them to shave parts of their bodies to look appealing. As men, we need to ask ourselves: why do we teach girls shame for the same things that we celebrate in boys? If you believe in equality, stop imposing double standards. Realise that they can and should live without censorship, like many men do.

 

Feminism isn’t about men

3If you recall the recent #NotAllMen saga where men who felt attacked by women calling out misogyny and violence against women in society hijacked the issue and made it about them, that’s a clear example of what not to do. It really isn’t about how feminist outcries hurt men who don’t rape or mistreat women, because defending yourself in a conversation about sexism silences women. We are all part of the problem that is gender – join the discussion instead of exempting yourself while you continue to enjoy your male privilege.

These are five ways to demonstrate you believe in gender equality as men, but don’t just stop there. It is a gradual effort to eradicate sexism, and we can start by altering our daily habits as we interact with each other. There is much to unlearn, but that makes learning a whole lot easier.

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About the author: Someone once told Vincent that liking pink as a favourite colour was perfectly fine. That was enough reason for him to subscribe to feminism, because it allowed him to drink strawberry milk with confidence. Still serving his National Service, Vincent enjoys the occasional fantasy that sexism is dead in the military, but stalwartly trusts that he won’t be in denial someday. He is passionate about naps, and prefers baby blue over pink now.
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How I Coped With Dating Violence

A recount of struggles with dating violence and getting through it by Nicole Laurens, Change Maker

You can watch Nicole read her speech here!

Let me start by asking you this – how many dating violence cases have you heard of? A few? There are many more – some just choose to tell only those they ‘trust’. Which sometimes aren’t exactly the people who will help them get out of the current situation. Some are afraid of the consequences of coming out with their story. I was one of them, but I have turned that fear into something positive to encourage people to realize their self-worth as well as know their rights to live as a human being, not under anyone else. I don’t share my story for any other reason, than to make this group of people realize that they are not alone in their battles.

G44A0914Let me move on to describing what I see as abuse and show you why people take it really lightly. When you think of abuse, you think of… blood? Bruises? Scars? Well dating abuse comes in many forms, mainly physical, emotional and psychological. Violence, in the physical abuse sense, doesn’t just occur on its own. Whatever physical abuse you see or hear about has a much bigger abuse story behind it.

How do these people get into such relationships? Most of the time it starts with low self-esteem, having the habit of giving in and overlooking major flaws instead of rectifying the flaws. Why do they stay? The same reasons, and most commonly, fear. How mine started was with low self esteem. A school jock actually asked me out on a date and I was like, whoa, who me? Nobody was interested in knowing me, not that I was bothered but it was a big thing for me when he asked me out. He used this to his advantage, constantly reminding me later into the relationship that because of him, I was brought up to a higher social status and everyone knew me. Before he came around, I was a nobody. He reminded me of this several times and me, I felt like I owed it to him.

So it starts with these unhealthy thoughts, not respecting yourself and knowing your self worth enough. In other words, not loving yourself. When you start of with these things, you tend to overlook many occasions that disrespect yourself as a human being. I received my first slap a few months into the relationship because I wanted to leave him. Apart from not being allowed to call him by name, to walk away from a heated argument was considering rude instead of mature and not using up all my energy to apologise for something was considered little effort on my part.

So slowly it turned into fights in public areas, during my A level examination period, during work etc. Pulling of hair, pushing, getting screamed at, getting bruises from his really strong grip became norms. I’m not saying I’m an angel, yes, in self defence I learnt that being violent back got us ‘even’. Whenever I cried about getting hit, he’d say, ‘you hit me back the other day’. How did I ever think that was okay? So I got used to it, and I was so afraid to do so many things. Asking for a breakup was a ticket to getting into an emotionally exhausting argument that could last for days and sleepless nights. If he asked for a breakup and I didn’t disagree, I would be accused of being a liar, and getting called many degrading names also became a norm. Fat, ugly, dirty, smelly – if I didn’t date you, you think anyone else would? If you don’t lose weight, don’t be with me. I cried almost everyday until I woke up every single morning planning my day just so I don’t get him angry. If I did something wrong, I had to beg him for forgiveness. This snowballed into something so psychologically abusive that I turned into a completely different person and lost almost all my friends. I graduated with a handful of friends, mostly my classmates. The rest gave up on me, and they asked, ‘Why is she so stupid to stay with him?’ That’s how it snowballed, from a simple mistake on my part – not respecting myself enough. He kept saying, ‘You are the only one who will ever tolerate my attitude and the way I treat you. So when the day comes that I become better, you will be the only one who deserves me at my best.’ Constant forgiveness leads to you waiting for…. Practically nothing.

My colleague lodged a report for me, but my family dropped the charges, why? I wanted a better future for myself and I wanted him to change himself for his future and not ruin it. I wasn’t going to stoop to his level, trying to destroy someone else’s future. I’m better than that.

However, the question asked is such a common question – Why does she stay with someone like that? Or in other cases even, Why is he still with her when she abuses him? I feel that that shouldn’t be the first question on anyone’s mind when they hear about an abuse case. Shouldn’t they be asking instead – Why is he or she abusive? Why does he or she think they have the right to do that? Why does he or she event think that the victim is deserving of all of this? The same concept as when it comes to rape – instead of saying, Don’t get raped, people should be saying, Don’t rape. The antagonist in the situation shouldn’t be made to think that he or she has the right to continue doing what they want as they like.

For me, I knew that I had stop being afraid of all the threats and blackmails he dared to impose on me. I took the risk finally, left, and suffered consequences you cannot imagine. Threats given were carried out, my worst fears. He always said, ‘if you hurt me once, I’ll give you back ten fold’ and guess what, he meant it. I was distraught and my parents were disappointed because he got them involved. I couldn’t leave my house without being afraid that he might pop up somewhere unexpected and give chase. Which happened, of course. I spent my days running, not being able to live my life in peace. I hurt my parents so badly, the people who truly loved me, because of someone who had no clue what love was. Losing friends was hard but losing my parents, even for a week, was unimaginable.

Let me be honest, I was at my lowest – at my weakest. I took pills, a lot of them. I tried pills with alcohol. I took cough syrup. Which I realized, after talking to some people, was something a lot of people were actually taking to forget their problems. Yes I had complications with my body but none enough to end everything. So what I did was write a list of things I would miss, and the list of people who might miss me. Since I had nobody, I tried to get up myself and start talking to friends I lost. I’m glad to say, I got some of them back. It wasn’t easy, definitely. But I did it. I got these friends to support me. It wasn’t easy getting friends who genuinely wanted to help. Some people are just there to judge you, trust me. I’ve met too many of them. All they want to do is get into your life, know your story, then talk about it to their friends. Biggest mistake.

G44A0653I will not let my experience sink into me and affect what I have ahead of me but I will definitely put it into good, positive use. Since my downfall and my struggle to get back up, I have joined AWARE as a Change Maker, mainly because I want to raise awareness of dating violence and abuse as a whole. I plan to attend more workshops and hopefully eventually come up with my own because it irks me that people are in such situations, thinking they have insufficient support or that they’re too weak to step out of it.

To sum up, I lived a little over three years of my life believing that this was the only way to be strong – to hold on and not give up. To accept that there was no other way to save my life. Since I broke free from this prison, I had a few girls come to me telling me their issues. And these girls – they have no idea how to step out of it. I’m pretty sure there are a lot of girls and guys going through this. We think it’s love but love is not about possession or getting your way. Efforts do not mean you have to chase your partner for hours just to show it, or leave them 60 missed calls to prove you’re apologetic.

And you need to realize this.

Abuse, is not about blood, bruises and cuts only. Dating abuse is about how your life is affected by a relationship. Mine was extremely unhealthy but there are a lot of unhealthy relationships out there, no matter how mild you think it is. Step out of it. I allowed myself to let mine snowball into the unthinkable. It was very hard for me to recover. I had nightmares every single week due to my anxiety. When I tried moving on, I had the biggest fears that chased people I just met away.

Find people to speak to. Professionals, or people with experience who will provide that strength for you. You are NOT alone. Find help because some of us are more vulnerable than others. Fear is temporary. The loss of self-respect is extremely detrimental – I learnt that the hard way. There will be people who understand you, but of course you need to know who exactly. No matter what, life goes on. Love yourself before anyone else because when all else fails, only you are gonna there for you.

If you know of anybody going through any form of abusive relationship, please know that whatever you see happening, is only a tenth of what the victim goes through.

Of late, I have been providing support for a few girls who have come to talk to me since I reached out with my story.  Inspired by the event where I was being abused in school and not a single person came to stop it, I am also currently working on a dating abuse awareness campaign to hold in my university, hopefully early 2015.

Thank you.

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Redefining Masculinity

A recount of the struggles of navigating and defining masculinity and what it means to be a “Real Man”
by Robert Bivouac

When I was 7, I had an operation done on my left ear. I couldn’t eat at all for 12 hours before that and I told myself I would never go hungry again. Back then I didn’t know what calories were and I got a dollar a day in allowance, just enough to buy a bowl of lor mai kai for recess. I knew it made me feel full, so I think I ate that at least twice a week, and on the other days I ate things like pork bao and those chicken-flavoured Petit Brunch crackers.

When I was 8 and our class was held back for recess I cried. I remember the teacher’s name. I think it was Mr Wong, or Mr Fong, or something. I don’t actually remember the teacher’s name but I remember what he did. He went over to my desk and looked me in the eye. He had this habit of puffing his cheeks up before he spoke. I don’t remember why I remember that but I remember what he told me. He told me that I was a boy, and boys don’t cry. I was a boy, and I was going to be a man in a few years, and men don’t cry either. I tried to stop crying and after I did, and he let us go for recess, some kid came up to me and told me I didn’t need to eat recess anyway. That was the first time I realised I was fat, and it was only the first time.

G44A0821In hindsight it was mostly the boys who bullied me, and in hindsight I should’ve known it was going to get worse in my all-boys secondary school. Literally the second week of class in Sec 1 someone had already broken my stuff. I think it was a pen, but eventually someone smashed my calculator. There was this thing going on where they’d take my stuff and run around with it because they knew I was fat and slow and I couldn’t catch up and when I couldn’t catch up they called me names. I remember being called a bunch of slurs strung together the way someone who doesn’t really know what they mean would use them. I remember my classmates pinning me down or slamming me into walls. I remember I was so physically weak that hitting back became an excuse for them to hit way harder. Someone threw a chair at me once and then someone threw me into a chair, and then into a table, and then into the lockers at the back of the class. I didn’t cry.

I didn’t cry, but I was short, I was soft and I was physically weak, and to top it off I was in choir. I spoke a lot in class, did better than every single person who came at me and went up every week to challenge the principal during assembly. I didn’t know my place, apparently. In a school full of boys I was not a man, and I didn’t know my place, so that was all the excuse they needed. When the school counsellor and house head were brought in to investigate they told me what they’d heard. My “friends” thought they were training me to be a real man, as if all the insults, stealing and hitting could “fix” me; as if I needed to be “fixed”.

10458342_775298422505091_3667291884959981461_nThe thing about being “fixed” is that if you need fixing, that means you’re broken, as if not being a “real man” means you’re broken. See, if you’re a man, but not a “real man”, it seems you’re doing something wrong and if you’re doing something wrong, you need to be taught a lesson. It’s not just kids who do this. Like, turn on the television some time and you’ll see a bunch of “real men”, doing really manly things. “Real men” are strong and violent. “Real men” work hard and protect their families (which, of course, they want). “Real men” are attractive, or else “real men” are heroic, and “real men” always get the woman (and it’s always a woman), even though sometimes they really shouldn’t. It’s not all the time, but the implication is this: this is what a “real man” looks like, this is what he does and this is how he does it.

Guys, we’ve been caught. We’re told by these so-called “real men” to “be a man” when we’re hurting, when we’re sick, when there’s nothing else you can do but they want us to do it anyway. We’re told that if we don’t look or act like “real men”, we don’t deserve to be men at all. We’re something less than men if we aren’t “real men”, something they have permission to dominate, to hurt and to exploit. Frankly, guys, I’m tired.

I’m tired of this “real man” crap. All men are “real men”. We are men simply because we choose to identify as such, and nobody gets to decide otherwise. Not your parents, not your friends and certainly not anybody who thinks taking your stuff and hitting you is a good idea. We need an understanding of manhood that doesn’t exclude people who don’t fit the traditional idea of a man. We need to acknowledge that men who can’t or don’t want to find a partner, who aren’t straight, who were told they were something other than men at birth but consider themselves men, are real men. And yet, we also need to acknowledge that the men who do bad things? The men who hurt other people? The men who hurt me? Are real men too.

If we want a more inclusive understanding of manhood, we need to accept it’s for everyone, not just the good guys, and we need to do our part, as men, to fix it. Real men still do bad things, but good men stop them. and you, every single one of you boys and men in the crowd, can be a good man.

If you see a man who’s angry because he can’t get laid, tell him he’s got a problem. Tell him his problem is not that he can’t get laid, but that he believes he needs to get laid to be a real man. Tell him that he’s already a real man, and that no matter what he does, he will never deserve to get laid. Tell him that maybe he’ll find someone, or maybe he won’t, but either way it’ll be alright. He’ll still be a real man.

Youth at the event came up with different gender stereotypes they'd like to break. Warning: images in this mirror might be distorted by socially constructed notions of beauty.If you see a man going off about women, saying they’re the cause of all his problems, tell him he’s going in the wrong direction, and maybe ask him why he feels that way. Take his rage and point it at whoever told him women were to blame, because they’re lying. Tell him that’s who he needs to be mad at. He needs to be mad at everyone who told him being a man meant getting his way, meant automatically getting more respect than women, meant not being told he’s wrong. That’s who he needs to be mad at.

If you see a man harassing someone else by being sexist, homophobic or sexually aggressive, tell him to back off. Tell him he needs to back off, and that he doesn’t have the right to demand they shut up or do things just because he’s a man. Tell him being a man doesn’t make him more correct than anyone else, and that he really needs to stop. Say it firmly and with conviction and maybe the threat to report him to his teachers, or his superiors at work, or, if there really is no choice, the police.

Your voice is a vote, guys, and these are only some of the issues. All men can, and all men should, work together to make being a man something less aggressive, less exclusive, less sexist, and more proactive. We need to save our brothers from this myth that only some men are real, and other men are less real, and women are perhaps even less than that. We can play our part to help end violence by and against men, but only if we try. And we really have to try.

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Aged 15-29? Tell YouthfulCities what you think about Singapore!

YouthfulCities is a global organization that ranks the world’s top cities from a youth perspective, amplifying the voice of 15-29 year old urban youth globally while inspiring change locally.

They’re currently running a worldwide survey to find out what youth think of their cities and voice your perspectives on what matters to you. Check out their write up below and tell them you heard it from us!

YC_faces

Our GLOBAL URBAN YOUTH SURVEY asks youth to rate what’s important to them in their city. It also gives them the opportunity to express how their city is doing in 16 categories across the LIVE, WORK, and PLAY spectrum.

This year we are launching the Survey in 62 cities worldwide in 23 languages, and are expanding our reach with the goal of 50,000 respondents by July 31st 2014!

To do so, we’re asking anyone from the ages of 15-29 to fill out the 9 minute Survey in order to voice their perspectives on what matters most to youth in cities worldwide.

We want to include more youth in the conversation. Do you have a few minutes to fill out the survey?

Click here to fill out the world’s largest urban youth survey:  http://bit.ly/ReVmO2

Also it would be very helpful if you could promote the Survey by sharing it with your friends, colleagues, professional networks, social networks, classmates and so on.

Send it out on social media, over email, and tell your friends to get involved. For filling out this year’s Survey, we will share your city’s Survey results with you after July 31st.

The Survey is now available in 16 languages and counting. Click on your language below to share your voice and fill out the Survey:

English  I  Français  I  Español  I  رسیدن  I  Português  I  polski  I  Русский  I  Tagalog  I  العربية  I  Italian  I  日本語  I  Türkçe  I  Nederlands  I  Bahasa Indonesia   I   한국의

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Women’s right to refuse

by Kokila Annamalai

On May 23, Elliot Rodger went on a killing spree in Isla Vista, California, that was motivated by the desire to punish women for rejecting him.

While many in the international community have condemned his actions, some men on social media responded with empathy for Rodger and a certain understanding of his sentiments.

A group of men went further to start a Facebook group to hero-worship Rodger.

On June 16, University of Washington student Keshav Bhide was arrested for claiming to be “the next Elliot Rodger” and threatening to murder women.

He claimed everything Rodger did was justified and publicly praised the latter’s actions. These men not only defend Rodger’s actions, but relate to his anger towards women who rejected him.

Their anger in response to sexual rejection hints at a perceived right to have sex with the women they desire and a denial of women’s right to refuse.

10462925_775293269172273_4951615495759693325_nWhile some have blamed Rodger’s mental health issues for his actions, it is clear from the support of some men and the many such stories of men’s violence in reaction to women’s sexual rejection — collected by online campaign When Women Refuse — that Rodger’s attitude towards women is not a psychological problem, but a social one.

Women around the world experience violence when they reject men’s sexual advances. Why?

A recent United Nations survey of 10,000 men in Asia and the Pacific found that nearly half of the men interviewed reported using physical or sexual violence against a female partner and nearly a quarter admitted to rape.

The most common motivation that men cited for rape was sexual entitlement — a belief that they have a right to sex with women regardless of consent. In short, women are seen as not having the right to say no to sex.

Singapore, too, has seen incidents of women being attacked for rejecting men.

Recently, a man reportedly threw alcohol and smashed a glass into the face of a woman who ignored his advances at a club in Clarke Quay.

Readers’ comments in response to news reports of the incident included those that said the victim must have been out in Clarke Quay because she was desperate for sex and that she should have “use (sic) more EQ if she intend (sic) to reject him”.

When women are raped or sexually assaulted, they are often told they should have said no more assertively or fought off the perpetrator. They are blamed for sending mixed signals or not doing enough to stop the rape.

Yet, when women are attacked for rejecting sexual advances, they are told they should have been more polite or tactful about it.

This is a clear case of “damned if you do, damned if you don’t”. These victim-blaming attitudes excuse men’s sexual violence as uncontrollable, reinforcing their sense of sexual entitlement.

Right to choose

Male sexual entitlement is perpetuated through mainstream media, where men are regularly shown responding to women’s rejection with anger and violence.

In Singapore, it is also perpetuated through the law, which gives men immunity when they force their wives to have sex, unless the couple are living apart or a Personal Protection Order has been started or obtained prior to the incident.

The masculine rhetoric of sex as conquest, rather than as an experience shared by two consenting adults, diminishes women’s right to say no.

IMG_8235When male sexual aggression is portrayed as an acceptable way of flirting or engaging in sex, rather than as harassment or violence, women are not safe when they reject men.

Sex education must focus on the importance of consent and the right of everyone to say no without fear of repercussion.

Language such as “giving in” or “putting out” in reference to women consenting to intercourse reduces their role in sex to submission, rather than active participation.

All of us have a right to choose whom we have sex with. Women’s sexual desires and choices are as important as men’s.

Fixating on Rodger’s psyche or that of the men who commit violence against women draws attention away from underlying social norms and power structures that contribute to such violence.

Men should not have to prove their masculinity by committing violence against women, while women should have the right to say no to sex without fear of repercussion.

Only then can women be equal participants in private and public life, able to exercise their choice with intimate partners or a stranger at a club.

253373_582646388436963_347306196_nAbout the author: Kokila Annamalai (pictured, left) is the campaign coordinator for We Can! End All Violence Against Women (Singapore chapter), a global movement against gender violence.

This opinion piece was first published in TODAY on 26 June 2014.

 

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Busting Rape Myths

1: Rapists are usually strangers.

In Singapore and around the world, most sexual assault is committed by someone known to the victim. Sexual assault can be committed by a date, friends, family members, intimate partners or spouses. Around the world, acquaintance rape is much more common than stranger rape, and makes up close to 80% of all rape cases1.

Rubbed Wrong Way

2: Women say “no” to sex when they actually mean “yes”.

When someone says no, always take it to mean no. Trust that they know best, and take them at face value. Only treat an active, enthusiastic “yes” as consent to sexual activity. It is better to forego sex than to potentially molest or rape someone.

3: Women often “cry rape” – i.e. make false reports of rape to seek attention, take revenge on men or because they are in denial that they consented to sex.

False allegations of rape are statistically insignificant2 and are no more common than false reports of any other crime. Rape is the most under-reported crime in the world3. Feelings of shame and self-doubt, as well as fear of stigma and not being believed, often prevent victims from coming forward. To encourage more victims to report, we must debunk this myth.

4: Someone who’s drunk can’t say no to sex, so it’s not rape to perform sexual acts on them.

Someone who is drunk can’t say yes to sex! Silence or submission is not consent. The individual must be able and willing to give informed consent to sex. Sexual activity with someone whose judgment is impaired by intoxicants, or who is unconscious, is sexual assault.

5: A woman who flirts with a man, goes back to his apartment, makes out with him or shares a bed with him cannot claim rape.

These circumstances, and others, do not excuse rape. Neither do they make rape the woman’s fault. Consent has to be explicit and sought for each stage of intimacy. It can also be withdrawn at any point. Whenever someone asks to stop, others must respect that choice. Continuing or coercing the person makes it assault. Blaming the victim because of the way she was dressed, because she has been intimate with the man before, or because she trusted and felt comfortable with the man prior to the assault, shows a denial of women’s right to choose with whom and when they have sex. It also excuses rapists and perpetuates sexual violence in society.

6: Rape happens because men can’t control their sexual urges.

Studies show that men rape because they feel a sense of sexual entitlement4. In other words, men rape because they can get away with it. Rape is a violent act that involves taking agency away from someone and exerting control over them – it is a crime of power. People of all genders have sexual urges, and they all also have the power to control them.

7: It’s only rape if the woman struggled and tried to fight it off physically. If there are no bruises or blood, it can’t be rape.

Sexual assault is not just physical coercion, but psychological coercion. In cases of psychological coercion (e.g. the victim is blackmailed or pressurised) or where the woman is afraid or unable to resist (e.g. the victim is drunk, unconscious, tired or too terrified), there is seldom physical violence or force. An assault can occur without visible evidence of force or resistance. Faced with the threat of rape, victims of assault may freeze or surrender, as they believe (and it’s often true) that this minimises harm and pain5. Submission is not  consent, and doesn’t make what happened less of a rape.

dontbethatguy

8: Sex workers or women who are very sexually active shouldn’t be taken seriously when they report rape.

Any sexual activity without consent is sexual assault, no matter who the people involved are or what their relationship is. Similarly, a person’s sexual history or experience of sex work does not mean that they cannot be assaulted. As long as they didn’t consent to that instance of sex with that person, it is rape.

9: Men cannot be sexually assaulted.

While most rapes occur against women, men can also be victims of sexual assault. Although Singapore’s Penal Code narrowly defines ‘rape’ as a crime that cannot be committed by a woman against a man, there is also the crime of ‘sexual penetration’ which carries the same penalties and criminalises non-consensual penetration of men. However, social stigma remains a serious barrier toward male victims seeking help. This isn’t helped by popular culture treating the rape of male prisoners as a joke or a perverse form of “justice”.

References:

1. Bureau of Justice Statistics. (1995). National Crime Victimization Survey.

2. Lonsway, K., Archambault, J., & Lisak, D. (2009) False Reports: Moving Beyond the Issue to Successfully Investigate and Prosecute Non-Stranger Sexual Assault. The National Center for the Prosecution of Violence Against Women.

3. Justice Department. (2008-2012). National Crime Victimization Survey.

4. Jewkes, R., Fulu, E., Roselli, T., Garcia-Moreno, C. (2013). Prevalence of and factors associated with non-partner rape perpetration: findings from the UN Multi-country Cross-sectional Study on Men and Violence in Asia and the Pacific. The Lancet Global Health.

5. Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and Recovery. Basic Books.

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A Parent Making Change

The We Can! team spoke to Norliza Hamidon, a passionate Change Maker and parent to 13 year-old Irfan, on her approach to parenting and engaging her son on gender issues.
By Ashley Tan.

As children grow up in a heavily gendered world, it seems almost unavoidable that their perception of body and self be constantly skewed with unrealistic and unhealthy ideals normalized in popular media. From early on, children are exposed to gender roles, norms and the unequal power men and women have in society. From the toys and clothes that many children are given, to the playmates and extracurricular activities their parents choose for them, children are put in a certain mould based on their assigned gender at birth.

10403930_775856025778020_4532904083281234053_oParenting has one of the most powerful roles to play in the ideas children develop about themselves and the world around them. Conscious, gender-neutral parenting can help children reject damaging notions about gender and instead explore their own individuality. Actively teaching gender equality to children from a young age, demonstrating equal relationships and educating them on gender diversity and consent can go a long way in shaping children’s perspectives.

Creating a safe space at home where they can ask questions about their body or discuss the messages they come across in the media or outside of the home can also help children form healthy attitudes about gender and become agents of change.

The We Can! team spoke to Norliza Hamidon, a passionate Change Maker and parent to 13 year-old Irfan, on her approach to parenting and engaging her son on gender issues.

“I share with him articles about discrimination faced by women and lead conversations about different gender issues,” she says.

She reminds him particularly of the importance of respecting girls and women, as she is concerned about the prevalent notions of masculinity that teach aggression and trivialise women’s roles and voices.

Norliza thinks parenting can play a crucial role in reducing bullying and overcoming gender stereotypes.

“If adult role models display positive attitudes and actions, such socially-aware behaviour will naturally translate to youth and children,” she says.

Her son, Irfan, 13, recently attended a Youth Change Maker workshop upon his mother’s encouragement. He contributed to our conversation and showed a sensitivity to gender issues and violence that surprised us, for a boy his age.

“Boys don’t always need to be masculine and ‘tough’. Muscles only show that you are physically strong but you might not be mentally or emotionally strong. Boys can also do housework and roles should not be decided by gender.”

Gender divisions and the disproportionate violence that women and girls face are glaring to Irfan. Still, he has hopes for his generation, and suggests that learning about harmful attitudes early can help eliminate the gender gap.

We were inspired by Norliza’s efforts to show Irfan he can make a difference. She encourages Irfan to stand up for his friends who might be bullied in school and calls him out when he exhibits discriminatory attitudes. She asserts that “it is better to stand up for what is right than be silent.”

Norliza recounts a time when she was disappointed in Irfan for refusing to include a particular girl in his circle of friends because she was “fat”. Through talking about it openly, she managed to get him to see how such behaviour was unfair and hurtful. She probed him to be more accepting of people’s differences, whether in appearance or otherwise.

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Norliza notes that it is challenging to ensure children develop healthy, inclusive and gender-equal views because of the many competing influences in society, many of which work to reinforce sexist attitudes and behaviours.

When asked what she would like to see in society, Norliza envisions “a society of men and women respecting each other, working with each other, having equal opportunities, roles and incomes; a violence-free society”.

Norliza and Irfan have each other on their journey towards eliminating prejudice and violence in their own lives and influencing others around them to do the same. They choose to have honest conversations about change rather accepting things as they are.

We hope that sharing their story will encourage other parents and families to think about everyday actions they can take to promote gender equality in the home and outside of it.

If you would like to share your story with us, write to [email protected].

A big thank you to Norliza and Irfan for taking the time to talk to us!

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Blog

Letter to my Unborn Child

A fictional letter from a fictional parent to their fictional unborn child about growing up in a gendered world. By Kokila Annamalai, We Can! Coordinator and Chelsea Jones, Change Maker.

Dear Baby,

I’m excited to meet you.

I can’t wait to read to you, to bring you to parks (will you share my fear of bees?) and to see you grow up. I can’t wait to see all the ways in which you’ll change and learn as you grow. Maybe you’ll like drawing or have a great singing voice, maybe you’ll build rockets in your room, and maybe you’ll work out IKEA diagrams better than I can. Maybe you’ll be all of this at the same time, or something completely different. I can’t wait to find out.

Want to hear something funny? Everyone wants to know if you’re a boy or a girl. They say they need to know so that they can choose an appropriate gift, and get a better sense of what to expect when you come into the world. They think your gender is a very big part of you, and of their relationship with you.

But I’m not telling them, because I don’t want to encourage their assumptions. I don’t want them to decide what you should be like, or feel a certain way about you, before you get a chance to show them.

Once you’re born, many of them will look at whether you have a penis or a vagina and come to many conclusions about you and your future. (Yes, I know it sounds crazy. And what if you don’t have the kind of penis or vagina they expect, or you have both? Some babies are born intersexed, you know.)

I’ll try to encourage them to stay open, to wait patiently and learn from you instead. I know you will teach us all many things, if we let you. I promise to be a good student, to watch closely and listen keenly. I will pay attention to your laughter and your cries, and to the twinkle in your eyes, and gather as much information as I can about your needs and preferences.

As you grow older, you will realise that people will treat you differently based on your gender. They will give you different toys, ask you different questions and (dis)allow you to do different things. Most of these people don’t mean to limit you. Many of them probably love you and want the best for you. They just think about the world a certain way, and are eager to teach you about that world.

But my love, I want to tell you that you can change the world. When people tell you what you can or cannot do, who you can or cannot be, I hope you won’t listen. Instead, listen to yourself, to your body, to your heart. Seek your happiness wherever it may be.

Dress the way you fancy, study whatever you like in school, read the books that fascinate you and do the sports and arts that excite you. Love whomever you will.

Know that you don’t have to be the same always. As you grow, you might change in unexpected ways. That’s fine. You might not want the same things anymore. That’s fine too.

I know that you will always know best. And I will stay right here, while you discover the world and yourself, all at once. I will stay, so you can come back with questions and confusions. I will stay till you find answers and clarity.

I will tell you about all the beautiful things in the world, as well as the inequality, injustice and pain in it. I will tell you stories of how people have tried to make things better, and how they continue to try, so that you know it can change. I will talk to you about my strengths and my struggles, so you know it is okay to have both. I will let you see my vulnerability, so you know you don’t have to hide yours. I will share my experiences without expecting you to follow the paths I have.

When you’re little, I will try to protect you from the people who might hurt you for the choices you make. As you get older, I will teach you to protect yourself from them. I will tell you every day that I love you in all of your selves, so that if someone tries to tell you to be different, you’ll know they’re wrong.

I will try my best to help you ignore the “shoulds” and “musts” that society is likely to impose on you.

I will share my safe spaces with you and get everyone I love involved in the work of loving you, so that you always have a community of people who validate you and affirm your choices. I will open my arms and our home to everyone you love and respect, so that this community grows bigger.

While I want you to be yourself in every way, I do have some hopes for you.

When you meet people who are different from you, I hope you will show them acceptance and respect. When you lead, I hope you will be inclusive. When you follow, I hope you will be of independent mind. When you make decisions, I hope they are honest.

When you get to know someone, I hope that you respect their boundaries and draw your own. When you form relationships, I hope they are equal. When you love, I hope it will be without shame.

When you cry, I hope it is never because someone made you feel inadequate. When you get angry, I hope it is frequently at injustice.

When you see someone getting hurt, I hope you will step in after making sure it is safe to do so. (Otherwise, call me!) When you see someone stand up for what’s right, I hope you will stand with them.

When someone in your life is abusive or oppressive, I hope you will know that it is okay to walk away.

You won’t be born into a perfect world but I hope you will always have safe spaces where you can seek comfort, understanding and recuperation.

I hope you will always be at home with yourself.

Till we meet, and with lots of love already,
Me!

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News & Updates

SHATTER- We Can! Singapore’s Youth Year Launch

Youth at the event came up with different gender stereotypes they'd like to break. Warning: images in this mirror might be distorted by socially constructed notions of beauty.
The SHATTER Sculpture was the centrepiece of the whole event. A compilation of stereotypes the youth reject, written on pieces of reflective paper, the SHATTER Sculpture is a symbol of youth shattering gender stereotypes that they face in daily life. These stereotypes include those related to body image, domestic roles, women in academia, as well as masculinity and sexuality.
 

One of the events we were most excited about this year was SHATTER, our launch event for the start of our Youth Year. SHATTER was held at the beginning of June at our partner venue, *SCAPE, and aimed to promote an inclusive youth culture through the celebration of individuality and the right to be free from shame, discrimination, bullying and violence. The event focused on shattering gender stereotypes that youth face in daily life, with various activities and performances to bring this message home.

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We had 200 youth coming by our booths and watching the speeches and performances at *Scape.
 
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Throughout the day, about 200 people participated in SHATTER, taking part in our community art booths, watching local musicians use their art to speak up against violence and youth speaking out and sharing stories of their personal experiences with bullying, shaming and violence. The name of the event centred on our SHATTER sculpture, a broken ‘mirror’ that we constructed with shards that we invited people to write on. Each shard carried a stereotype that they wanted to break. Other booths involved T-shirt stencilling and body painting with empowering slogans, a photo booth which invited free gender expression and graffiti walls marked with colourful handprints! We were also enthralled by the stories and music that was shared on the day. There was a great feeling of support and a sense of community which moved us tremendously.

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We had 200 youths coming by our booths and watching the speeches and performances at *Scape.
 
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We believe hearing the perspectives of those who came forward to share the challenges they faced as young people (such as cyber bullying, body shaming and dating violence) prompted other youth in the audience to think differently about how they view themselves and others. We hope that SHATTER got you thinking about what you can do to break out of restrictions that society places on all of us, and how you can help others be free to be themselves.

Both UN Women and SlutWalk Singapore had a booth at our event! It’s always nice to have allies.
Learn more about UN Women here: http://unwomen-nc.org.sg/
and SlutWalk here: http://slutwalksg.com/about/

Want to check out more photos from the event? Click here to go through our Photo Gallery!

Categories
Blog

Mass masculinity: Society, stereotypes and self-identity

by Lim Wei Klinsmann, Change Maker

Ask anyone what qualities are ideal in a man, and you’re likely to get the same answer repeatedly: confident, chivalrous, muscular, intelligent, rich. Every man – regardless of his personality, preferences or culture – is expected by mainstream society to meet this ideal of masculinity.

Those who do not are often deemed inferior for their inability or unwillingness to act out this very narrow set of personal characteristics.

I have always wondered if the people who mock those who do not conform to these expectations realise how oppressive their actions are.

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My personal guess is that a very small proportion of the men in society naturally fulfils society’s requirement for “a real man”. As for the rest, the gap between who they are and who society expects them to be results in, at best, internal conflict, and at worst, being ridiculed and outcast by others.

It is no doubt difficult to endure ridicule or be ostracised for not ‘fitting in’. However, it’s equally difficult to pretend to be who we are not, everyday. Everyone makes different decisions when struggling with this dilemma, and experiences different consequences.

Personally, for me, there was a lot of controversy that I had to put up with when coming to terms this ‘masculine ideal’.

When I entered secondary school, I was a skinny, soft-spoken and shy boy who found it extremely difficult to befriend anyone. This made me a target for physical and psychological bullying. People would point out how I wasn’t as well-built as other guys, how I was not supposed to be flamboyant, and I was mocked for not “being a man”.

This constant barrage of reminders that I was not good enough made me question my own identity and left me at a loss. I felt helpless and worthless because I was only accepted by a handful of people, and ostracised by the majority.

Despite this, throughout my 4 years in secondary school, I never regretted being the way I was. While the bullying I faced in school was painful, the idea of being false to myself just so I could be like everyone else felt even worse. When I saw my other friends acting in stereotypically macho ways, it seemed clear to me that the behaviour was fake.

Even today, I still get the occasional comment about how I dress and carry myself. But I have come to embrace the fact that I am different. Yes, it would have been a lot easier to just give in and be like everyone else – I could have conformed to keeping up a stereotypical appearance of being ‘a real man’. But that would not have been me.

My hope is that people will eventually realise that there is no one ideal for what one half of the world’s population should be like, and always challenge this idea. It is to our collective benefit to work towards destroying the stereotypes that society holds over everyone’s heads, and instead, celebrate the unique, infinitely interesting things that make each individual special.

With that, I pose one final question to you:

“Who are you going to be?”