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How I Coped With Dating Violence

A recount of struggles with dating violence and getting through it by Nicole Laurens, Change Maker

You can watch Nicole read her speech here!

Let me start by asking you this – how many dating violence cases have you heard of? A few? There are many more – some just choose to tell only those they ‘trust’. Which sometimes aren’t exactly the people who will help them get out of the current situation. Some are afraid of the consequences of coming out with their story. I was one of them, but I have turned that fear into something positive to encourage people to realize their self-worth as well as know their rights to live as a human being, not under anyone else. I don’t share my story for any other reason, than to make this group of people realize that they are not alone in their battles.

G44A0914Let me move on to describing what I see as abuse and show you why people take it really lightly. When you think of abuse, you think of… blood? Bruises? Scars? Well dating abuse comes in many forms, mainly physical, emotional and psychological. Violence, in the physical abuse sense, doesn’t just occur on its own. Whatever physical abuse you see or hear about has a much bigger abuse story behind it.

How do these people get into such relationships? Most of the time it starts with low self-esteem, having the habit of giving in and overlooking major flaws instead of rectifying the flaws. Why do they stay? The same reasons, and most commonly, fear. How mine started was with low self esteem. A school jock actually asked me out on a date and I was like, whoa, who me? Nobody was interested in knowing me, not that I was bothered but it was a big thing for me when he asked me out. He used this to his advantage, constantly reminding me later into the relationship that because of him, I was brought up to a higher social status and everyone knew me. Before he came around, I was a nobody. He reminded me of this several times and me, I felt like I owed it to him.

So it starts with these unhealthy thoughts, not respecting yourself and knowing your self worth enough. In other words, not loving yourself. When you start of with these things, you tend to overlook many occasions that disrespect yourself as a human being. I received my first slap a few months into the relationship because I wanted to leave him. Apart from not being allowed to call him by name, to walk away from a heated argument was considering rude instead of mature and not using up all my energy to apologise for something was considered little effort on my part.

So slowly it turned into fights in public areas, during my A level examination period, during work etc. Pulling of hair, pushing, getting screamed at, getting bruises from his really strong grip became norms. I’m not saying I’m an angel, yes, in self defence I learnt that being violent back got us ‘even’. Whenever I cried about getting hit, he’d say, ‘you hit me back the other day’. How did I ever think that was okay? So I got used to it, and I was so afraid to do so many things. Asking for a breakup was a ticket to getting into an emotionally exhausting argument that could last for days and sleepless nights. If he asked for a breakup and I didn’t disagree, I would be accused of being a liar, and getting called many degrading names also became a norm. Fat, ugly, dirty, smelly – if I didn’t date you, you think anyone else would? If you don’t lose weight, don’t be with me. I cried almost everyday until I woke up every single morning planning my day just so I don’t get him angry. If I did something wrong, I had to beg him for forgiveness. This snowballed into something so psychologically abusive that I turned into a completely different person and lost almost all my friends. I graduated with a handful of friends, mostly my classmates. The rest gave up on me, and they asked, ‘Why is she so stupid to stay with him?’ That’s how it snowballed, from a simple mistake on my part – not respecting myself enough. He kept saying, ‘You are the only one who will ever tolerate my attitude and the way I treat you. So when the day comes that I become better, you will be the only one who deserves me at my best.’ Constant forgiveness leads to you waiting for…. Practically nothing.

My colleague lodged a report for me, but my family dropped the charges, why? I wanted a better future for myself and I wanted him to change himself for his future and not ruin it. I wasn’t going to stoop to his level, trying to destroy someone else’s future. I’m better than that.

However, the question asked is such a common question – Why does she stay with someone like that? Or in other cases even, Why is he still with her when she abuses him? I feel that that shouldn’t be the first question on anyone’s mind when they hear about an abuse case. Shouldn’t they be asking instead – Why is he or she abusive? Why does he or she think they have the right to do that? Why does he or she event think that the victim is deserving of all of this? The same concept as when it comes to rape – instead of saying, Don’t get raped, people should be saying, Don’t rape. The antagonist in the situation shouldn’t be made to think that he or she has the right to continue doing what they want as they like.

For me, I knew that I had stop being afraid of all the threats and blackmails he dared to impose on me. I took the risk finally, left, and suffered consequences you cannot imagine. Threats given were carried out, my worst fears. He always said, ‘if you hurt me once, I’ll give you back ten fold’ and guess what, he meant it. I was distraught and my parents were disappointed because he got them involved. I couldn’t leave my house without being afraid that he might pop up somewhere unexpected and give chase. Which happened, of course. I spent my days running, not being able to live my life in peace. I hurt my parents so badly, the people who truly loved me, because of someone who had no clue what love was. Losing friends was hard but losing my parents, even for a week, was unimaginable.

Let me be honest, I was at my lowest – at my weakest. I took pills, a lot of them. I tried pills with alcohol. I took cough syrup. Which I realized, after talking to some people, was something a lot of people were actually taking to forget their problems. Yes I had complications with my body but none enough to end everything. So what I did was write a list of things I would miss, and the list of people who might miss me. Since I had nobody, I tried to get up myself and start talking to friends I lost. I’m glad to say, I got some of them back. It wasn’t easy, definitely. But I did it. I got these friends to support me. It wasn’t easy getting friends who genuinely wanted to help. Some people are just there to judge you, trust me. I’ve met too many of them. All they want to do is get into your life, know your story, then talk about it to their friends. Biggest mistake.

G44A0653I will not let my experience sink into me and affect what I have ahead of me but I will definitely put it into good, positive use. Since my downfall and my struggle to get back up, I have joined AWARE as a Change Maker, mainly because I want to raise awareness of dating violence and abuse as a whole. I plan to attend more workshops and hopefully eventually come up with my own because it irks me that people are in such situations, thinking they have insufficient support or that they’re too weak to step out of it.

To sum up, I lived a little over three years of my life believing that this was the only way to be strong – to hold on and not give up. To accept that there was no other way to save my life. Since I broke free from this prison, I had a few girls come to me telling me their issues. And these girls – they have no idea how to step out of it. I’m pretty sure there are a lot of girls and guys going through this. We think it’s love but love is not about possession or getting your way. Efforts do not mean you have to chase your partner for hours just to show it, or leave them 60 missed calls to prove you’re apologetic.

And you need to realize this.

Abuse, is not about blood, bruises and cuts only. Dating abuse is about how your life is affected by a relationship. Mine was extremely unhealthy but there are a lot of unhealthy relationships out there, no matter how mild you think it is. Step out of it. I allowed myself to let mine snowball into the unthinkable. It was very hard for me to recover. I had nightmares every single week due to my anxiety. When I tried moving on, I had the biggest fears that chased people I just met away.

Find people to speak to. Professionals, or people with experience who will provide that strength for you. You are NOT alone. Find help because some of us are more vulnerable than others. Fear is temporary. The loss of self-respect is extremely detrimental – I learnt that the hard way. There will be people who understand you, but of course you need to know who exactly. No matter what, life goes on. Love yourself before anyone else because when all else fails, only you are gonna there for you.

If you know of anybody going through any form of abusive relationship, please know that whatever you see happening, is only a tenth of what the victim goes through.

Of late, I have been providing support for a few girls who have come to talk to me since I reached out with my story.  Inspired by the event where I was being abused in school and not a single person came to stop it, I am also currently working on a dating abuse awareness campaign to hold in my university, hopefully early 2015.

Thank you.

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A Parent Making Change

The We Can! team spoke to Norliza Hamidon, a passionate Change Maker and parent to 13 year-old Irfan, on her approach to parenting and engaging her son on gender issues.
By Ashley Tan.

As children grow up in a heavily gendered world, it seems almost unavoidable that their perception of body and self be constantly skewed with unrealistic and unhealthy ideals normalized in popular media. From early on, children are exposed to gender roles, norms and the unequal power men and women have in society. From the toys and clothes that many children are given, to the playmates and extracurricular activities their parents choose for them, children are put in a certain mould based on their assigned gender at birth.

10403930_775856025778020_4532904083281234053_oParenting has one of the most powerful roles to play in the ideas children develop about themselves and the world around them. Conscious, gender-neutral parenting can help children reject damaging notions about gender and instead explore their own individuality. Actively teaching gender equality to children from a young age, demonstrating equal relationships and educating them on gender diversity and consent can go a long way in shaping children’s perspectives.

Creating a safe space at home where they can ask questions about their body or discuss the messages they come across in the media or outside of the home can also help children form healthy attitudes about gender and become agents of change.

The We Can! team spoke to Norliza Hamidon, a passionate Change Maker and parent to 13 year-old Irfan, on her approach to parenting and engaging her son on gender issues.

“I share with him articles about discrimination faced by women and lead conversations about different gender issues,” she says.

She reminds him particularly of the importance of respecting girls and women, as she is concerned about the prevalent notions of masculinity that teach aggression and trivialise women’s roles and voices.

Norliza thinks parenting can play a crucial role in reducing bullying and overcoming gender stereotypes.

“If adult role models display positive attitudes and actions, such socially-aware behaviour will naturally translate to youth and children,” she says.

Her son, Irfan, 13, recently attended a Youth Change Maker workshop upon his mother’s encouragement. He contributed to our conversation and showed a sensitivity to gender issues and violence that surprised us, for a boy his age.

“Boys don’t always need to be masculine and ‘tough’. Muscles only show that you are physically strong but you might not be mentally or emotionally strong. Boys can also do housework and roles should not be decided by gender.”

Gender divisions and the disproportionate violence that women and girls face are glaring to Irfan. Still, he has hopes for his generation, and suggests that learning about harmful attitudes early can help eliminate the gender gap.

We were inspired by Norliza’s efforts to show Irfan he can make a difference. She encourages Irfan to stand up for his friends who might be bullied in school and calls him out when he exhibits discriminatory attitudes. She asserts that “it is better to stand up for what is right than be silent.”

Norliza recounts a time when she was disappointed in Irfan for refusing to include a particular girl in his circle of friends because she was “fat”. Through talking about it openly, she managed to get him to see how such behaviour was unfair and hurtful. She probed him to be more accepting of people’s differences, whether in appearance or otherwise.

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Norliza notes that it is challenging to ensure children develop healthy, inclusive and gender-equal views because of the many competing influences in society, many of which work to reinforce sexist attitudes and behaviours.

When asked what she would like to see in society, Norliza envisions “a society of men and women respecting each other, working with each other, having equal opportunities, roles and incomes; a violence-free society”.

Norliza and Irfan have each other on their journey towards eliminating prejudice and violence in their own lives and influencing others around them to do the same. They choose to have honest conversations about change rather accepting things as they are.

We hope that sharing their story will encourage other parents and families to think about everyday actions they can take to promote gender equality in the home and outside of it.

If you would like to share your story with us, write to [email protected].

A big thank you to Norliza and Irfan for taking the time to talk to us!

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I SURVIVED VIOLENCE

Rachel Chung is a We Can! Change Maker, volunteer and spokesperson. Rachel speaks publicly about her experience to show support to victims and challenge the social attitudes that silence them. by Rachel Chung, Change Maker

Rachel

At first it was verbal: insults, accusations, mockery. After our first child was born, he sniped at me about my weight gain. When I said he was insensitive, he retaliated with a vicious barrage of Hokkien vulgarities.

This continued whenever I “stepped out of line”. I downplayed it at first. But when his verbal admonishments were not keeping me “in rein”, he started shoving me. It got worse – slapping, punching – especially when I earned more than he did. The abuse eventually got so bad that I ended up in the hospital.

Turning to Family

My in-laws were very traditional. They saw the husband as head of the household. My ex mother-in-law advised me to “not answer back”. His siblings also chose to ignore the “embarrassment”. At a family dinner they ignored my bruises,and instead talked about their business and recent holiday to London.

My family encouraged me to divorce him, but they did not offer to let my children and I move in with them. Without that assurance, I felt so insecure, like I was left all alone to fend for my children and myself.

“But Think of the Children!”

Many pressures bind women to violent relationships. Her partner might manipulate her into thinking she is inadequate and worthless; without support from family, friends and society, it is difficult to find the confidence to leave.

Financially, leaving can have serious consequences on the victim and her family, especially if her partner controls her finances or jeopardises her employment. Moreover, the stigma of being a divorcee remains strong in our society.

I faced some of this. Some church members felt I should stay “as long as the kids are not touched”. This made me feel ignored and dehumanised. It wasn’t in the children’s best interests either. What about the trauma it caused them to witness violence at home, or the risk to their safety? The breaking point came one night when my daughter, awakened by the noise of our fighting, came to my defence. He shoved her away. I fought back, and later filed for divorce.

Leaving: New Battles and New Beginnings

The damage to my morale and self-worth from the emotional abuse I had endured was no less harmful than the physical injuries. Violence isn’t always visible. It isn’t always black and blue. We need to recognise and reject all forms of violence around us.

Some women feel ashamed. I’ve been through it. “Was I abused because I wasn’t good enough as a woman or a wife?” Gender biases in families and society perpetuate these beliefs, and we internalise them. We feel like we somehow, “asked for it.”

But it is not our fault. We did not bring this upon ourselves, and I refuse to feel guilty or embarrassed. I want to get this message to abused women out there: it is not your fault and you should not be ashamed in any way.

 More resources on seeking help can be found here.

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Conformity ≠ cool. Are you ready to SHATTER gender stereotypes?

shatter

Come celebrate individuality and the freedom to be you. SHATTER will feature local artists, performers and youth who are sharing personal stories of how gender stereotypes, stigma and violence affect their lives. They’re speaking up, taking a stand, breaking the box. Are you? Whoever you are, if you’re coming, come as yourself.

When? 7th June 2014 | 3.00pm – 8.00pm

Where? *SCAPE

See you there!

Programme outline

3pm – 8pm: Activity booths with community art
5pm – 8pm: Music, skits and story sessions

About We Can! Youth

We Can! Youth is the Singapore campaign’s special focus in 2014. This year, we hope to get more youth involved in taking a stand against gender-based violence in their everyday lives.

We are reaching out to young Change Makers, affirming their personal choices regarding gender and sexuality, encouraging inclusivity and starting conversations on sexual consent, rights and healthy dating relationships. Youth Change Makers are young people committed to making positive social change in their communities. Through their actions, they can help make schools, cyberspace and social events safe spaces for young people regardless of their gender or sexual expression.

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Sex ed: Not just about the mechanics, but relationships and consent

by Catharina Borchgrevink, Change Maker

Talking about sex can be uncomfortable and awkward. Some individuals find it perfectly normal to discuss sex at the dinner table, but many still think of the topic as sensitive, and are not confident talking about it with friends or families. While respecting that attitudes regarding sex differ greatly within religions, families, communities and societies, we have to recognize that children need education about sex, no matter what culture they are from.

Sexual education does not merely concern itself with anatomy and factual information about what happens during sexual acts. It can, and should, cover social issues such as healthy relationships, the importance of consent and respecting one’s partner. A pre-emptive introduction to these issues, preferably before they have their first sexual encounter, will probably make it easier for youths to make informed decisions later on.

Sooner or later, children grow up and discover sex. Children are curious, and ask questions like ‘Where do babies come from?’, or ‘Why are everyone else’s bodies changing, and not mine?’ It is unavoidable as a parent to talk about human nature with their kids, and you come across all kinds of questions related to growing up. If their curiosity is dismissed by their parents or other authority figures, they will seek answers elsewhere—from their friends, older students or online. In an age where kids get iPads before they can walk, it is inevitable that they begin exploring resources online. This is where the ease of obtaining information today can become a danger. Although plenty of good online resources about sex abound, there are countless others providing misleading, or just plain incorrect, information. It can be difficult even for adults to distinguish between reliable and untrustworthy content online—what more youths who may be far less discerning?

In addition to the wealth of (mis)information available, there appear to be many “grey areas” surrounding sex. One of these issues is the concept of consent. When someone is sleeping, intoxicated or not able to say yes or no, it is not sex but rape or sexual assault. If the person does not enthusiastically say yes, it always equates a no. Surveys conducted with Singaporeans, as well as worldwide rape statistics, tell us that there too many people who are inclined to ignore consent. If, from a young age, it is taught that sex needs to be consensual, all the time, every time, and with anyone, youths may be better prepared when it comes to either asking for or giving consent. If youths learn about consent before they start having sex, we can hopefully reduce the number of sexual assaults due to people not understanding that rape constitutes any sex where someone is unwilling to engage in the act.

Perhaps the most-often cited example of misleading sexual information is online pornography. If the majority of pornographic images and concepts are a teenager’s first encounter with sex, they are going to be both surprised and perhaps disappointed when they experience sex for themselves. A lot of pornography gives the impression that male pleasure comes first, often by imposing sexual actions on a woman who does not seem to be enjoying herself. This can lead to unrealistic, and unhealthy, sexual attitudes on both sides. Boys may expect sex to be oriented towards male pleasure, whilst girls may feel pressured to perform sexual acts they do not want. If we inform our youth about sex—not just about the physical mechanisms of sexual intercourse, but about their rights and how to respect others, then perhaps we can stop perpetuating unpleasant experiences and sexual myths.

Sexuality programmes should incorporate healthy attitudes, instead of just biological facts.

Sexual education should even overturn toxic attitudes and language used to refer to sex. Media and pop culture portrayals of men and women who have sex show them in very different lights. Whilst males gain respect from their peers for having sex, and are praised for ‘getting some’, a girl who participates in the same acts faces social backlash. These double standards and gender stereotypes are reproduced over and over again as youths continue to learn these attitudes from older individuals and the media. Sex is frequently discussed as something that is given or taken. ‘I took her virginity’, or ‘I popped her cherry’, are well known phrases that give the impression that girls give sex and boys take sex. When we talk to children about these misconceptions, we provide them with a better understanding of what sex should be like—something that everyone involved in is interested in doing and that there is nothing shameful about it—regardless of gender.

It’s one thing to know about ‘the birds and the bees’; it’s quite another to understand how to say yes or no to a sexual request, or discuss what you want out of a relationship. Adults have difficulty enough maintaining healthy and communicative relationships—children shouldn’t have to navigate these pitfalls with the added complication of inadequate sexual education. Early sex education, hopefully before sex happens, will hopefully better equip our youth to be discerning, respectful, and well-informed in matters concerning sex and relationships.

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Oppressed Majority

In Majorite Opprimee's alternate reality, the protagonist faces gender-based aggression in all aspects of his everyday life.

by Marylyn Tan, Change Maker

What happens when the patriarchy is turned on its head? Watched the French film, Majorité Opprimée (Oppressed Majority), and you’ll get a glimpse of it. The ten-minute film went viral earlier this year, despite having come out a few years before—perhaps because feminist issues are becoming ever more relevant, especially in Europe, where abortion rights and laws regarding homosexuality have ‘taken a turn for the worse’, according to the film’s creator, Eleonore Pourriat. Majorité Opprimée may have inspired the recent slew—good or bad—of gender role reversals in the media, such as that horrendously sexist Veet advertising campaign which exhorts women not to ‘risk dudeness’.

More encouragingly, however, the role-reversal trend has also been used to illustrate the problems with the way women are portrayed in audio-visual media—such as in the photoset, ‘seDUCATIve vs. MANigale’, in which one motorcycle company parodies another’s traditional ‘model in sexually-provocative poses with equally attractive vehicle’ ad campaign by replacing the women with men. Even Jennifer Lopez’s latest single, I Luh Ya Papi, explicitly lashes out against exploitative differences in marketing male and female artistes in the music industry. What I find so powerful about Majorité Opprimée, however, is the incisive, stark fashion in which little everyday instances of gender violence are depicted.

The film isn’t meant to be wholly realistic—most films aren’t—but it does set its sights on portraying a wide slew of behaviours (all within ten minutes!) that both men and women engage in that foster a narrative of violence in everyday interactions. Unknowingly, unconsciously, we have all probably been party to reinforcing sexist attitudes at some point. The film is set in an unnamed French town where it is almost immediately—though subtly—established that the women are in charge. This is a vision of a matriarchal society, and our protagonist, Pierre, illustrates this most starkly in his interactions with the women of his everyday life.  Again, it’s the microaggressions in a sexist society that the film highlights, such as being stared at on the streets in unison by a trio of women, and unprovoked—unwanted—comments on one’s appearance such as ‘how lucky you are to have such a cute daddy!’

The assertion of matriarchy is even more subtle when the women aren’t actually interacting with the protagonist. An implied balance of power is shown by issues ingrained far more deeply into this society, such as women jogging bare-chested in public, a wife’s control and restriction over what her husband can wear or must cover up, and how most, if not all, positions in authority are depicted as being held by females. In Majorité Opprimée, the men make the coffee, have to be picked up by their wives, and are told that their ‘outfits are cute’ on them. In this hypothetical matriarchy, the men have their social status constantly, and casually, belittled, such as when the protagonist’s landlady smiles dismissively and says, ‘I should really be talking to your wife.’

Majorité Opprimée, illustrates the vast range of aggressions directed at women on a daily basis (most of which aren’t even recognised as violence, but as an accepted gender dynamic). Pierre, then, might represent women as a whole, who are every day catcalled, dismissed, and assaulted all over the world. One of the film’s strongest points is its illustration of street harassment, an issue which repeatedly surfaces in today’s discussions of gender violence. To anyone who’s ever experienced any form of harassment in public—and, hopefully, to some who have not—the scenarios painted are all too real. Often, women are told that it’s not such a big deal, and even that it’s to be expected. After all, how debilitating can a single whistle by the roadside be? One catcalling comment on your appearance? A honk as a driver speeds by? These are, unfortunately, seen as unpleasant, but normal, by some people. As one of the women in the film threatens to give chase as Pierre hastens away from a junction where she’s been catcalling him, the fear for one’s own safety caused by ‘expected’ interactions is apparent. It is, to say the least, quite intolerable when one faces aggression and fear as a regular feature of daily life.

What makes Majorité Opprimée so important is the fact that violence is everywhere in popular culture, and everyday social interactions, and in various insidious ways that people who don’t usually experience it have a hard time understanding. The film takes these instances of violence and forces us to re-evaluate our understanding of what we consider ‘normal’ behaviour. Watch it. Make the people around you watch it. Perhaps some the manifold violences written into the scripts of our everyday lives will stop going unnoticed.

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How Our Classrooms are Damaging the Female Body Image

by Choo Kai Lin, Change Maker

 “Math class is tough,” said Barbie. Those were the first words this iconic blonde symbol of the femininity declared back in 1992 in a segment titled Barbie Teen Talk. Clearly, gender stereotypes are not a new concept. Obviously, the world’s most famous doll agrees with the age-old cliché of females being intellectually inferior to their male counterparts. How often do we overlook the potential damage these stereotypes do, especially in an educational setting?

 In today’s society, gender bias influences each and every individual. As members of this gendered society, we recognize and accept characteristics of femininity and masculinity, moulding our bodies and altering our body images accordingly to fit social expectations.

 These gendered attitudes are emphasized in our system of schooling, creating and maintaining gender inequalities, part of which includes society greatly emphasising and controlling the female body. Young girls in Singapore today are at an increasing risk of negative body images and low self- esteem, which may be due to social stereotyping and cultural notions of female bodies that are reinforced within their schools.

 Stereotyping girls as intellectually-inferior to their male counterparts damages their notions of self-worth, and instead overemphasizes the importance of female physical attractiveness, instead of personal traits.  Hailing from a single-sex secondary school, my schoolmates and I were commonly described as “bimbos” and “girly” by others. The identity of an entire school community was reduced to simplistic, and not-so-flattering, stereotypes of femininity, often despite its evident merit in both academics and sports. In fact, it is common practice in popular culture for schools to be ranked based on the perceived physical attractiveness of their female students. This attitude assumes a woman’s natural state as an object valued for aesthetic appeal. Her potential as a person is undermined by sending the message that women are more valued for their appearance than for their talents.  What effects will the subtle, yet large-scale, objectification of female students in schools have on their perception of themselves?

 Perhaps what is even more distressing is the school administration’s growing role in imposing unrealistic ideals of the female body. At a recent family gathering, I found out that my seven-year-old cousin has been deemed overweight and forced to join a “Health Club” at school. Apparently, in many primary schools all over the country, it is becoming increasingly common for “overweight” children to be forced to join health clubs, skipping recess and partaking in physical activity as part of an initiative to combat childhood obesity. Essentially, “Health Club”, or more commonly, TAF (Trim and Fit) clubs, are premises to enforce rigid notions of ideal body types, and, perhaps even more dangerously, equate being thin with being ‘healthy’. As a result, adolescents are body-shamed into believing that being “skinny” is the ideal body shape.

In an interview with NBC News, a primary school girl expressed that she felt “sad…to look at people [because they were] so skinny and could wear so many clothes”. At just ten years old, this little girl has already developed a distorted body image and an inferiority complex. Demanding that she forgo food during recess in favour of dribbling a basketball, as in many such clubs in the name of ‘health’, will only worsen the problem. One could argue that these school policies, designed originally with good intentions, are now creating body image problems for future generations. By policing their bodies from a young age, these girls are taught that they must live up to society’s expectations of how they should look and dress. Damagingly, this then results in females themselves learning to measure their value by their appearance.

However, gender stereotypes are harmful to all, even male students. With emphasis on masculinity in the media, more boys are under pressure to live up to society’s notions of what a “real man” is. In a study conducted on participants who had undergone penile enlargement surgery, a majority of the participants had expressed previous reservations about going into shared school showers and engaging in physical activities in school–showing once again that the negative effects of gender expectations start from early on, most often at some point in school. Many participants cited anxiety about their peers’ perception of how ‘macho’, or masculine, they were as a prime reason for undergoing such an intensive surgical procedure. More and more young boys feel increasing pressure to have an idealised male body as popularised in the media, and uphold traditionally ‘masculine’ traits like strength. These attitudes are not helped by others in their peer group reinforcing and perpetuating these pressures on the individual. Gender stereotypes and expectations, if accepted as a normal, run-of-the-mill part of our society, may predict insecurities for the male population as well.

Obviously, society’s strict adherence to gender stereotypes and body ideals can be injurious to both females, as well as males. When education systems emphasize these suffocating constraints of gender inequality, there are potentially dangerous implications for one’s perception of self. Moreover, considering the power school wields over our youth, we, as a community, have to take steps to increase awareness of the harmful gender stereotypes we see in our classrooms, and everywhere else.

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We want to hear from you!

SurveyCalling all registered Change Makers!

You’ve proven monumental in advancing the We Can! movement in Singapore and we have really appreciated your zeal for ending violence against women. We humbly ask another favour of you: to help refine our campaign’s approach to public education and community outreach!

All you have to do is complete this survey we’ve come up with in order to help improve our approach and how better to reach out to communities.

This is a community campaign, and all our Change Makers’ feedback are significant in helping to shape this campaign. This survey will be critical in helping us to further refine and improve our existing programmes and outreach.

Once again we thank you for all your continued efforts – continue being the Change Maker you pledged to be!

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Thoughts on violence against women in Singapore vs. Norway

by Catharina Borchgrevink, Change Maker

 Violence against women is very much a global problem. Although this particular We Can! campaign focuses on women in Singapore, this issue relates to women all over the world. Some issues are more relevant to Singapore as a society, but at the core we find the same harmful gender stereotypes everywhere, crossing national borders.

I am a Norwegian who recently relocated to Singapore. Norway and the other Scandinavian countries are by no means perfect societies for women. There is definitely room for improvement when it comes to workplace discrimination, sexist attitudes and behaviour, violence against women and gender stereotypes. However, gender parity in these countries is more in place on a global scale.

Many foreigners, including myself, are mostly unaware of the state of women’s rights in Singapore. On the surface, Singapore is clean, safe, and women have equal rights to education and healthcare. A closer look shows the cracks: lack of paternity leave, inequalities in the distribution of leadership positions, no benefits for single mothers and perhaps most shocking of all, the non-criminalisation of marital rape.

The latest statistics show that 1 in 10 women in Singapore will experience physical abuse by a man during their lifetime, and 6 in 10 of these women will suffer repeated abuse. These figures are not unique to Singapore. The UN states that 1 in 3 women worldwide will suffer from abuse. In Norway, it’s 1 in 10 women. Even in the most “gender equal” of societies, women are at risk, especially in their own homes. Most rapes and assaults do not take place in scary alleys and parks, they occur at home, by someone familiar or known to the victim.

One particular issue that needs to be addressed for Singapore is that marital rape is not recognised as a crime. Although rape is punishable up to 20 years, marital rape is an exception of this ruling. It should not matter what relationship the woman has to the perpetrator – after all, rape is still rape, and for many women the fact that the person committing the crime is someone they should be able to trust greatly compounds the severity of the crime. In Norway, the penal code does not make an exception for rape that occurs within a marriage or partnership—it is punishable up to 10 years in prison. However, receiving maximum penalty is rare, and even in Norway cases are often dismissed on the grounds of a lack of evidence. Underreporting is a problem both in Singapore and in Norway, and for many women, it is feelings of shame that stops them from reporting the rape. Where do these feelings come from?

Ingrained feelings of shame after a rape are common worldwide, including in Norway. One big difference however is that these feelings stem from the victim’s own emotions, and not the family of the victim. Cultural norms of keeping up appearances for the family, and family reputation, are much more common in Singapore and Asia than in Scandinavia. Upon reporting or coming out as a victim of sexual assault, the reaction from the victim’s family should be supportive and helpful, not insinuating shame or covering up the crime, which sadly often happens when families are concerned with keeping one’s reputation.

Personally, this culture of familial shame and victim-blaming is unfamiliar, and unexpected of Singapore as a society which, on the surface, appears to be progressive in terms of gender parity. While I can relate to family reputation being important, being willing to hide a crime is quite uncommon in Norway.

Having said that, even in Norway, the tendency to blame the victim still exists. People raise questions on what the woman was wearing or if she was drunk, showing that even across cultures, violence against women is indeed a global problem.

The root causes of violence against women have to be viewed from a global perspective, as it is not contained to a Singaporean or Asian context. Cultural norms of shame and victim blaming are more complicated issues to tackle, but we should not be afraid of stepping up and speaking out against these challenges. You, too, can make a difference in your own community—start a discussion of how Singapore can become a safer place for women today!

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Victim-blaming in the media

by Ian Mak, Change Maker

We all know how the media can shape people’s ideas and perceptions. But I never really cared—perhaps, I was jaded by the avalanche of media that bombards us nowadays.

I first came across the term ‘victim-blaming’ while first working for the We Can! campaign. It refers to how victims, especially those of sexual assault, are held responsible for others’ attacks on them. Society often adopts such attitudes towards rape and sexual assault in particular, and many assume that being assaulted is, in some part, the fault of the victim.

To me, intuitively, the thought of victim-blaming was simply absurd. It is like kicking someone when they’re down, and only serves to exacerbate the pain the victim must feel. I did not expect to find such an attitude in my own country.

How wrong I was. Victim-blaming doesn’t simply just exist in Singapore; it is rampant in our daily lives, creates a toxic mentality that condones crime and manufactures an atmosphere of fear.

Check out the infamous poster from the police that pushes the responsibility of not being attacked, assaulted or targeted, to the victim.

Rubbed Wrong Way

I feel that this line of advertising is extremely problematic. In the first poster, the rapist is shrouded in shadow and his face cannot be seen clearly. In contrast, the victim is placed in the spotlight. The focus is clearly shifted from the perpetrator to the victim. It is as if the victim is the only one we are asked to focus on, in a crime that they have no control over.

This isn’t an isolated incident on the Internet. The Singapore Police Force is a well-respected public institution, which arguably holds significant authority and sway over public opinion, yet it is endorsing the message that “it’s your responsibility” to avoid being attacked.

Such advertising disempowers individuals, making people fearful of their own safety, as well as feel that they are in some way, at fault for having been assaulted. Worse still, this sends the message to potential sex criminals that their behaviour is acceptable.

More worryingly, such advertising is indicative of a wider culture of victim-blaming that exists in Singapore. Often, families with conservative values would keep hush sexual crimes that happen to family members, for fear of the loss of ‘face’ that entails. Police officers have claimed that rape cannot happen unless a girl ‘opens her legs’. In the end, the victim is unable to gain support from figures that are supposed to be in positions of trust and power to them.

This is not a problem that Singapore alone faces. In 2012, the reputed US news agency CNN reported the infamous Steubenville rape case from a sympathetic stance toward the rapists involved. CNN anchor Candy Crowley claimed it was ‘incredibly difficult’ to hear the guilty verdict as the two culprits who had ‘such promising futures, star football players, literally watched as their lives fell apart’. What they failed to mention, however, was the hurt and damage caused by such a heinous crime. By focusing bizarrely on the culprit, CNN sorely detracted from the gravity of the crime and the plight of the victim.

dontbethatguyBut we also may look overseas to find a better model in tackling rape and other crimes. In contrast to our local ‘Don’t Get Rubbed the Wrong Way’ posters, campaigns overseas such as the Canadian ‘Don’t Be That Guy’ message place the focus squarely on the perpetrator, warning people to not be the culprit. By doing so, they send out the clear message that rape is never acceptable in any circumstance, and forces people to take responsibility for their actions. In contrast to local advertisements, this is empowering.

More importantly, however, each of us needs to question how we ourselves have witnessed victim-blaming and whether we have consciously or unconsciously been guilty of condoning such attitudes. We need to make a commitment to being conscious of our own attitudes and speak out if a friend or family member expresses a sentiment that may be damaging or incorrect.